Do I tell her about the affair?

[doitell8]

I’m going to put into a list as it’s going to be a very lengthy post otherwise.

DH and I own a business

Our business works closely with another business providing them with our services, we go to to corporate parties but also more intimate parties such as big wedding anniversary, special birthday etc

Other business run by another couple and their 4 sons work there as directors

One of the son’s has been married 21 years and they have 2 primary and secondary aged children, his wife is lovely and I’ve known her 8 years now, very sweet and mild mannered.

Said son has been sleeping with a girl who works for his parents for 2 years, it is widely known as they’ve been caught at work 3 times.

People who work for his parents won’t say anything due to fear of being sacked.

His parents turn a blind eye to it which makes me sick, if this was my son (god forbid!) I’d be telling him that he tells her or I tell her. They let his wife sit blissfully unaware at dinner parties with other woman and husband, parties, even popping in to the work place where he has had sex with her.

I found out about it 3 months ago via DH, both of us think it’s disgusting anyway but especially as a family business where his Mum & Dad know yet do nothing to step in and protect their daughter in law and grandchildren. I have said that I am not attending any more parties etc and have the gift of using my baby as an out of going but DH goes because it brings business in.

For 3 months this has played on my mind, it’s none of my business but I feel sick for her and I keep toying with the idea of telling her regardless of the damage it does to our business. I also don’t want to be the one to break a family up and break their children’s hearts but I’m screaming out inside that she needs to leave his disgusting self. Then I’m worried she may actually know and then I’m seen as a trouble maker!

WWYD?

YABU - Do not tell
YANBU - Do tell her

Regular user but name changed.

He’s sleeping with a girl?!?! A child…?
or do you mean, a woman?

Guess.

Can your business survive not working with them.

you might not be an employee & sacked but you can be sure you won’t work with them again.

plus it’s none of your business, I’d say nothing

Id send an anonymous letter

I think she knows. For him to be so open about it and so many people being aware she must know, or she doesn't but he knows she wouldn't leave him anyway. In which case, you have nothing to gain by telling her. She may feel humiliated and embarrassed, you and you're family are likely to lose business and he just carries on having his cake and eating it.

Our business would 100% survive without them not that it’s good to lose any kind of business but I’m just having a real problem of knowing and not doing anything about it, I wish DH hadn’t of told me.

I don’t think I’d want to do it anonymously, if that were me I’d be wondering constantly who it was who told me - I’m just trying to look at it from how I would feel.

Maybe some of you are right and she already knows.

I’m not trying to be a busybody, I’m a 35 year old Mum of 2 that lives a really uncomplicated life, luckily. I hate drama and gossip but this IS playing on my mind. I guess I feel strongly about infidelity.

Thank you for all of your opinions, I definitely need to think about it and talk to DH.

Usually I'd say tell her. With your business in the mix I feel hesitant. There's so many variables, what if she knows and wants to turn a blind eye, what if she stays but your business suffers etc etc

Posted as you posted your reply up thread op sorry

I wasn’t calling her a “girl” in a derogatory way, it’s obviously not a child 🙄

So unnecessary and unhelpful

Actually the business link was the reason I voted YABU. I'm generally in favour of telling her (I've been the wife who was the only one in the dark). But I've kept quiet, many times, when work was involved.

What does DH think? If you'll really be okay without their business, how badly could they damage your other relationships if they wanted?

Sorry, but this.

It’s not a great situation, but it’s not yours. Just move on - it’s their problem to deal with.

Getting involved willl cost you so much, and for what?

She very probably knows already, if it’s so out in the open and been going on that long. You might make her very uncomfortable by telling her. You might damage your business relationship. It’s a very bad idea OP
although I understand where you’re coming from.

How well connected are these people? Because while your business would survive the loss of partnership with them, would it also be able to survive being blacklisted? If they’re in the position to, and are pissed off enough, they could poison the well for you going forward. It isn’t necessarily just going to impact your professional and personal relationships with them. This does happen, so it is something you need to consider.

Like it or not, telling her doesn’t mean that he’s going to be the one facing both professional and personal consequences. That might just be you.

Oh, and if his parents own successful businesses and are his employers, then don’t think that if she does leave, that she’ll get anything like you think she will, or should, in a divorce. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if they’ve already arranged their finances in such a way that would limit any losses, or that they wouldn’t make further changes specifically to reduce his liabilities. This also isn’t uncommon.

You may have an idea in your head of her thanking you for the information, taking him for all he’s worth in a divorce, and leaving him in ruins, but ime it very rarely plays out like that in reality.

Also interested to know what DH thinks.
I’d be the same and feel very uncomfortable in their company knowing this but wouldn’t want to blow up someone’s life.
You’d also run the risk if you tell her and she stays with him she would have to sit at the table knowing and knowing that everyone else knows too which somehow almost feels worse

I know of a few women who led comfortable lives (so could’ve divorced and not lost the family home) but didnt want to break up their family so turned a blind eye to their husband’s affairs. It is more common than you think. She may not appreciate being told.

but I agree with you, it’s not right.

Of course she knows!!!!!

Good to know the sisterhood is alive and kicking 😒

If everyone else knows, it’s likely she does OP. I wouldn’t get involved.

Honestly my sister was shagging someone who my brother and DH work with on a regular basis. He’s married with small children and it makes me feel horrible when I see her and him.

I genuinely know what you mean when you say it makes you feel sick, and honestly the best practical advice I can give you is to avoid her as much as possible. I always think I would want to be told if my husband was doing that, but then again if I found something like that out I’d flip and probably end up in a jail cell - bad outcome for all involved. Realistically there’s nothing you can do but avoid all involved as much as possible.

I agree with you though, if that was my son I’d tell him to fess up or I’ll dob him in.

How can you say that?
I didn't know, I was in this woman's shoes.

Honestly the amount of women in here happily turning a blonde eye makes my blood run cold.

not your circus, not your monkeys. I would create a little distance and focus on professional relationship only

Oh come on...so everyone knows, his parents know, people are talking...all sound loaded...of course she's turning a blind eye!!!

You absolutely don’t know that at all.

Yikes. Imagine being this man’s wife or her
mother - I would feel so so sad. I don’t know OP -
this is such a horrible situation.