Do I tell her about the affair?

[doitell8]

I’m going to put into a list as it’s going to be a very lengthy post otherwise.

DH and I own a business

Our business works closely with another business providing them with our services, we go to to corporate parties but also more intimate parties such as big wedding anniversary, special birthday etc

Other business run by another couple and their 4 sons work there as directors

One of the son’s has been married 21 years and they have 2 primary and secondary aged children, his wife is lovely and I’ve known her 8 years now, very sweet and mild mannered.

Said son has been sleeping with a girl who works for his parents for 2 years, it is widely known as they’ve been caught at work 3 times.

People who work for his parents won’t say anything due to fear of being sacked.

His parents turn a blind eye to it which makes me sick, if this was my son (god forbid!) I’d be telling him that he tells her or I tell her. They let his wife sit blissfully unaware at dinner parties with other woman and husband, parties, even popping in to the work place where he has had sex with her.

I found out about it 3 months ago via DH, both of us think it’s disgusting anyway but especially as a family business where his Mum & Dad know yet do nothing to step in and protect their daughter in law and grandchildren. I have said that I am not attending any more parties etc and have the gift of using my baby as an out of going but DH goes because it brings business in.

For 3 months this has played on my mind, it’s none of my business but I feel sick for her and I keep toying with the idea of telling her regardless of the damage it does to our business. I also don’t want to be the one to break a family up and break their children’s hearts but I’m screaming out inside that she needs to leave his disgusting self. Then I’m worried she may actually know and then I’m seen as a trouble maker!

WWYD?

YABU - Do not tell
YANBU - Do tell her

Regular user but name changed.

I was in the same boat as you OP but with a close friend.... turns out she knew all along and was turning a blind eye. Fast forward a few years, they are still together and he is still playing the field. I however lost a friend as I "knew too much".

Morally you are absolutely right to want to tell her but just beware, you could turn out to be the bad guy (even though you are not) x

Jesus, all these people saying don't tell her. Where's everyone morals.

Tell her of course. Either do it anonymously or get a friend to do it anonymously if you can't muster up the courage to do it. Or pretend you're an employee at their company or something, of you're worried about her wondering who it is, but don't give a name.

But absolutely tell her.

Wouldn't say a thing. Everywhere I've worked, there's been the odd situation like this, no interest in rocking other people's relationships or interfering in them.

I would feel differently if it were a close friend, and I knew I could support them emotionally, or it would be worth risking the friendship.

Usually in these situations, the messenger is blamed, the husband digs in and can just either deny it or they 'try again' and even if they divorce, who is to say she is going to be better off if she has young children?

I just don't mess in other people's relationships, I'm not the morality police, I know hundreds of people through work and over the years, I'm not going around telling on them if they get up to undesirable stuff.

I do think sometimes people live in active denial, one of my relatives swore blind she didn't know her husband was cheating, but he was doing it in very plain sight, everyone else had clocked and it was very obvious in terms of his behaviour, I never got to the bottom of why they weren't suspicious when he started taking holidays with another woman! Or disappearing off 'to work' on Bank Holidays.

This. As someone who has been in this position. Tell her. Many people underestimate the gaslighting, lying, confusing messages that you receive as the spouse in this situation. Whilst you are running yourself ragged, working, looking after small children, pets, co- ordinating activities and play dates, ensuring time with your DH etc you notice things that don’t add up. It’s a crescendo that messes with your head. But you don’t know. The doubt and questions, in the face of his inevitable denial, make you feel you are paranoid or insane. Tell her.
I don’t understand the contradiction on here between all the threads advising women to LTB on the basis of unconfirmed suspicions, and the don’t tell brigade.

If you don’t want to do it anonymously, could you do it in a way that you look stupid rather than involved to reduce the chance of it damaging the business?

If you said something to her like “ I’m so sorry to hear that you and DH have split up, I hope that you’re doing ok. Is there anything that I can do to help?”

If she says something like they’re not split up then look really embarrassed and confused and say “oh god, I’ve said the wrong thing, on no” a few times. And ask her if they’ve opened up the marriage.

That would open up the conversation and wouldn’t be a completely out-there thing to assume off the back of him having a girlfriend.

There is nothing concrete to say. Mind your own business as You've only heard rumours. Pretty unusual of your DH to be so interested and involved in the gossip as men usually mind their own business in these matters, does he fancy the alledged OW? Or maybe your DH is the one cheating and bizarrely testing you.

It is an awful scenario. I bet the wife probably already senses or suspects something. I'm all for telling her, I only say that because I WAS her. My exH was having an affair, his family knew, my MIL knew. Nobody thought to tell me & it was extra humilating knowing everyone knew, but said nothing.

Your OP suggests you know them because you cater for them or similar? Then later you imply you attend family dinners etc as though you're personal friends?
If the woman is a friend of yours who you have a relationship with that would exist if you were not with her in a service capacity, then that's different from a business acquaintance.
The latter requires a professionalism that would preclude involving yourself in clients personal affairs. If your morals mean you struggle with that, then you should stop working for them.

It's her husband who heard rumours from someone else like is it third hand account? If anyone who has more of a moral duty after the ones who actually caught them is surely the husband who heard the gossip, you're even further away from the rumour to take it on as your duty!!! It sounds like there is jealousy of the OW or the wife and a desire to watch them suffer.

As other posters said, you don’t have evidence and he will deny. She / They would think negative of you. You get nothing out of telling her in the end.

Op, I would tell her, but I would do it anonymously. I don’t know what any of your businesses are but I’d worry tha the husband badmouths you to other clients even if you think you can afford to lose your business from him.

I think the psychological damage of an affair is the worst thing. I’ve seen enough threads on mumsnet to know that she may have doubts and he may be gaslighting her or denying it. She might be thinking she’s mad. He might be being mean to her at home, they might be trying for a baby…

if it were me I’d want to know.

The OP doesn't have proof, though, her husband's friend says so. I wouldn't report something I'd heard, if I'd seen something it might make me feel a bit differently but even then, unless it was unequivocal, perhaps not. Passing on rumours is an odd thing to do, and I'm not sure it will be as convincing to this lady as you think.

I agree to an extent, of course, it will always happen, in the same sense that there will always be people who commit crimes, etc., etc. However, by not challenging it, you are enabling it and giving the impression that it's ok, it's not. It will happen, yes, but should they be let off the hook, no.
Knowing about it and taking your view also makes your morals and standards questionable, or does it make you an easy target for people who behave like this, like, 'oh dont worry, they'll not say or do anything about it, just carry on and take the piss out of them, they just let you because they just think it happens and its part of life, they let you get away with anythung'.
Yes, you do need to accept that this stuff happens, but you shouldn't roll over for it, you still need a backbone to let them know they are taking the piss and you won't bow down to it.

Unless you can say to her there was gossip going around we were involved in and now I am putting this gossip onto you then no i would not say anything

The OP is not a close friend and she has no idea what is actually going on in this relationship. The idea that she should send an anonymous message is horrible and totally irresponsible as who knows what effect it could have? I can understand it would be a dilemma if she was a confidante but as it stands I really find the idea that she has a “moral duty” inappropriate.

Mind your business and let them do what they need to do. Nothing to do with your moral standing and if you say something it will backfire spectacularly

This is nothing to do with you, OP. Never interfere in other people's relationships, because you have no idea of the true situation. Interference just makes you look like a gossip and an unpleasant person.

Any sensible person would put an anonymous letter straight in the bin, treating it with the contempt it deserves.

No, i absolutely wouldn't want someone to tell me, thereby demonstrating that they think they have a right to interfere in my marriage.

With so much detailed information in this post, she probably knows by now!

it’s one thing sharing information about yourself, but so much on other people can’t be a good idea (unless you have changed a lot of details).

Not everyone is so inclined to play moral crusader and take it upon themselves to ‘hold
people accountable’ for immorality (not criminality).

For those that are so inclined, it’s ridiculous to suggest that commitment to this role should override any sense of self preservation, as if the warm fuzzies from ‘doing the right thing’ are adequate compensation for blowing up your own family and business (and OP very much risks both), whilst the moral criminal you’re attempting to punish likely walks off whistling and unscathed.

Posts like these just highlight what a selfish world we live in.
Look after number one and to hell with everyone else.

This is always suggested on this kind of thread because people know telling is a thing that can backfire in many ways. If you need to stoop to doing something anonymously, it shows you know you shouldn't be doing it.

“It’s none of my business.”

Correct. There’s your answer. Keep out of it.