Do I tell her about the affair?

[doitell8]

I’m going to put into a list as it’s going to be a very lengthy post otherwise.

DH and I own a business

Our business works closely with another business providing them with our services, we go to to corporate parties but also more intimate parties such as big wedding anniversary, special birthday etc

Other business run by another couple and their 4 sons work there as directors

One of the son’s has been married 21 years and they have 2 primary and secondary aged children, his wife is lovely and I’ve known her 8 years now, very sweet and mild mannered.

Said son has been sleeping with a girl who works for his parents for 2 years, it is widely known as they’ve been caught at work 3 times.

People who work for his parents won’t say anything due to fear of being sacked.

His parents turn a blind eye to it which makes me sick, if this was my son (god forbid!) I’d be telling him that he tells her or I tell her. They let his wife sit blissfully unaware at dinner parties with other woman and husband, parties, even popping in to the work place where he has had sex with her.

I found out about it 3 months ago via DH, both of us think it’s disgusting anyway but especially as a family business where his Mum & Dad know yet do nothing to step in and protect their daughter in law and grandchildren. I have said that I am not attending any more parties etc and have the gift of using my baby as an out of going but DH goes because it brings business in.

For 3 months this has played on my mind, it’s none of my business but I feel sick for her and I keep toying with the idea of telling her regardless of the damage it does to our business. I also don’t want to be the one to break a family up and break their children’s hearts but I’m screaming out inside that she needs to leave his disgusting self. Then I’m worried she may actually know and then I’m seen as a trouble maker!

WWYD?

YABU - Do not tell
YANBU - Do tell her

Regular user but name changed.

Keep your beak out - not your business.

Harsh

I have a feeling she knows as well. Between the open secret, vow renewal and such...
It may be that is very complicated divorcing a husband employed in the family business; so she's choosing to turn a blind eye.

This - if she already knows do you think that telling her if going to make her feel better, l don't think so.

Send her an anonymous letter

Presumably, the 60% who've voted yabu wouldn't want to know if their DH was having an affair.

Tell
It is not that you are a busy body it is that you have morals and values...make up a bogus email and send or print off a letter stating informarion of the woman.
I find the lack of informing the woman very strange..almost backwards.
I would refuse to go as well to mingle...Some of us do not do fake or sleaze well.

I would tell her. She has the right to make informed decisions about her future and her sexual health. If exposing her pig of a husband loses you business, that’s unfortunate, but if you can afford to suck it up then I think you should.

This post tickled me 😆 ‘can barely muster the energy to care if my own DH is cheating on me’

I would let her know anonymously. But in a nice letter saying that you think she's lovely and deserve better.

As someone who was cheated on by x and a work colleague, she probably has an idea . I would not say anything .

I'd write her a note and post it to her.

Would you feel the same if it was DV? Or financial abuse? Or incest? is it just knowing a woman is potentially being exposed to STD and having sec with her husband his deception that is ok with you.

some lawmakers consider having sex with somebody knowing that they wouldn’t have sex with you if they knew that you were also sleeping with someone else sexual abuse

but it seems some people out there like you think it’s absolutely fine to know that someone’s being abused and say nothing

i dont think it matters what others think about how reasonable or unreasonable it would be to tell or not to tell this poor woman shes being made a fool of.
I can understand why you feel conflicted given the bussiness connections and not knowing what this woman knows or doesnt know.
If you tell you may be shot as the messenger,disbelieved or your bussiness may suffer.
If you dont tell you live with those feelings of discomfort.
You could consider letting her know anonymously .

I simply do not care to make other peoples relationships my business, and I don’t expect anyone else to make mine theirs.

By telling her OP risks it blowing up in her face, not his. He’ll be fine - he’s employed by his parents and they will almost certainly minimize his losses in any divorce IF it happens. Op however could blow up her own relationship if her husband isn’t on side and/or their business if their current partners are connected enough to have them blacklisted. Even if they aren’t, future clients are not unlikely to be leery about working with someone they can’t trust not to stick their nose where it isn’t wanted and expose their moral transgressions.

Yes true! Maybe shes playing along as it bring out in the open might force a decision that shes not gonna like 🤔

You must know by now precisely what happens to the messenger… I know it’s awful but it really isn’t your life and you shouldn’t go tampering, it won’t end well. She might already know and be intentionally ignoring it.

Ffs. I’m so frustrated with the “don’t tell her as she probably knows” crew. Yes, probably everyone knows and she has an inkling. Probably driving herself crazy as she has no proof and is second guessing herself. If she already knows what’s the problem in telling her. If she doesn’t know, what’s the problem in telling her (esp if OP feels she can afford to the fallout).

No good deed goes unpunished, I would not risk my business over what strictly speaking isn't my business. I applaud you for your empathy and moral compass, though.

If you truly think you can deal with the aftermath and want peace of mind tell her anonymously, making sure it can't be traced back to you.

I can’t believe any woman in that situation wouldn’t know. But the fact is it really isn’t your business to tell her and you don’t know what goes on in their lives. I also think anonymous letters are very cruel and creepy.

She could know, and be quite happy living a nice life with her two kids and has decided to turn a blind idea.

Maybe she's happy he's occupied with another woman? Maybe she couldn't give a shit and has just accepted the status quo??

Who knows

I was cheated on and the worst part was knowing that everyone knew but me. I really wish I’d known because it would have changed how I lived my life (I wouldn’t have got a big joint mortgage for a start). I’d tell her in a heartbeat. I wouldn’t be protecting a cheating bastard for a single moment.

Maybe she is aware of the situation, maybe not. It is 💯 not your business, the messenger gets shot.

Mind your own business, she may already know. His parents may be hoping it will fizzle out and don’t stop going to parties with your husband. Look after your own marriage and spend time with your husband.

Don’t be the one to tell here.
So many others clearly know directly & for whatever reason have decided to say nothing.
Stick with their decisions.