Will we ever get our house back

[Temporarilypermanently]

My MIL has sold her property to downsize and is currently residing with us temporarily while she secures a suitable local property. We are accommodating her belongings within our home, and our children are sharing a bedroom to facilitate her stay. This arrangement has introduced a degree of disruption, impacting our usual household routines. The situation would be more manageable if a moving out date were established, but she has yet to identify a preferred property. Would it be appropriate to discuss with DH a timeframe for her property search? Having a projected move date or at least a property identified would alleviate the current pressures on our household/me. I am concerned that discussing this matter with my DH may lead to some distress, I do not want him to feel that his mother is unwelcome. While I initially accepted and was happy with this as a short-term arrangement I need some reassurance that things will be moving along. It might be easier/quicker if we build an annex.

Good luck. I would truly suggest you and DH have a chat between you first for you as a couple to get on the same page. Then involve the MiL. If you do it the 3 of you DH may get defensive and they end up ganging up on you…. Remember YANBU at all here.

May be better coming from dh than you

but if you have spare downstairs room why did it she go in it before making kids share

She’s sold her property, and I assume at her age she’s now a cash buyer, and therefore in a strong position to secure a property and move swiftly. Housing stock in majority areas is high as most people are stalling with the current economic uncertainty. I would definitely be talking to your partner about putting say a 2 or 3 month deadline to find a property, as then you’ll need to add the conveyancing period in on top. Make sure she’s registered with all the agents in the area she’s looking at, not just relying on Rightmove, plus get a solicitor lined up (not an online one, as although they’re cheaper, they’re incredibly slow). An annex will require architectural drawings, structural engineer, planning (minimum 10 weeks) and build - 4-6 months and a whole raft of uncertainty, cost (£50k - £100k depending on spec) and stress. If she hasn’t found a property in 3 months I would be suggesting that she needs to rent/lodge somewhere. You’re not unreasonable to set a limit and she should not be unreasonable about that either.

She didn’t find anywhere she likes in 12 months of looking? I find that very hard to believe, especially as she’s downsizing. Either she has unrealistic options of what’s available and unrealistic criteria, which have reduced the available properties to zero - in which case she needs your DH’s help to find somewhere suitable - or, she never really planned to move and has unilaterally decided to move in with your permanently.

I’d give the children their bedrooms back and put MIL on a fold up bed in the lounge because that makes it clear the situation is temporary. I’d also talk to her and suggest she rents while she’s looking. I’d also arrange viewings of suitable properties in case she’s ruling things out without looking when they’d actually suit her nicely.

It sounds like she wasn’t really looking for somewhere for the last year and this was the plan all along.

Good luck OP, this would be my worst nightmare. I wouldn’t even have my own mother living with me.

Good luck with your chat tonight OP, but in that, do raise the idea that if MIL can’t find anything she wants to buy, could she rent for 6 months until the market improves?

The thing is, why on earth isn’t she embarrassed to have her grandchildren share a room and to have her son and family have to live with all her stuff lying around?

My dh, dc are in student accommodation. Parents all dead on both sides, but what I am saying is that had it been either of my parents widowed, I doubt my dh would have been as much of a human being as my friend's husband, that is all I am saying.

I know, right? Like stupidly, the other day, I equated a child crying and kicking and not wanting to go to a nursery with her not wanting to go to a nursery! Stupid me!

Exactly the same! As I said, the friend's mum was difficult, picked up fights and drove my friend demented, because her dh did not speak Greek, so it was all on her. I never said having relatives around was easy, did I? This is not the point.

As someone who also had to live with parents again age 38....my sympathies.

My mum and dad are perfect, on paper. They cook, they clean, they mind the kids. But fuck me they were ALWAYS there. Didn't have a second to myself with the kids, ever. Constantly questioning every single fucking thing I did - "is it not too early for dinner" "should he not wear the blue trousers" "don't change his diaper now". I was snapping at my mum constantly. It was awful. And my parents' take on it? That I'm burnt out and stressed and cannot handle parenting and they need to hang around longer. FML.

Never again.

Why didn’t you do this waaaay before she moved in? What was your end date to have your kids sleeping routines and rooms disrupted?
it’s common knowledge that houses take months at the very bare minimum to buy, and you first need to buy the house which takes a while.
Why wouldn’t you have this discussion before she moved in with all her stuff.

She needs to rent.

Is she actually looking for another place? Perhaps she finds it difficult. maybe you could dedicate a weekend to it booking loads of visits make a flip chart ask her what she’s looking for.

Sounds grown up and reasonable, OP. Hope the conversation goes well.

in your post you talk about how sad it is that family members are never 'wanted' enough and no one wants live with them. You speak about humanity. why didn't you want your aunt enough to tolerate living with her?

the reason you didn't want to live with your aunt is exactly what prevents others from wanting to live with their in laws. not because they lack humanity

Downstairs room is the kids playroom. I think it would be more practical in hindsight if that room becomes a temporary bedroom as the kids can play in their own rooms.

If she didn’t find somewhere in 12 months she’ll not find anywhere in 6 weeks

I think it’s going to be extremely difficult to get rid

The cynic in me is thinking that she has no intention whatsoever of moving out.

Maybe she isn’t in a rush because she thinks it’s mutually beneficial?

This is why I think you agree a stance between you and DH. Ie put some things in storage, and set a time limit of x weeks to rent somewhere.

Then you speak to MIL about what you have discussed. If you don’t agree as a couple before then the decision may get made for you.

Have the conversation just with your DH first so that you are on the same page and don't blindside him. Agree on what you two want before you present it to her.