Will we ever get our house back

[Temporarilypermanently]

My MIL has sold her property to downsize and is currently residing with us temporarily while she secures a suitable local property. We are accommodating her belongings within our home, and our children are sharing a bedroom to facilitate her stay. This arrangement has introduced a degree of disruption, impacting our usual household routines. The situation would be more manageable if a moving out date were established, but she has yet to identify a preferred property. Would it be appropriate to discuss with DH a timeframe for her property search? Having a projected move date or at least a property identified would alleviate the current pressures on our household/me. I am concerned that discussing this matter with my DH may lead to some distress, I do not want him to feel that his mother is unwelcome. While I initially accepted and was happy with this as a short-term arrangement I need some reassurance that things will be moving along. It might be easier/quicker if we build an annex.

It will realistically be up to a year even if she finds a house.

This is a permanent situation, and she's happy with that.

I wouldn't put up with it: either she would be finding somewhere to rent, or I would be.

We satyed with family plan as had to decouple selling and buying - was supposed to be a week or two at most - it was 10 weeks in the end. Our stuff was in storage.

We were ringing everyone every day in end and had reached point we were about to pull out and look for rented.

We broke the chain and our sellers were going into rented - in end went through super fast so had to wait a week for our stuff to get here - then that was a farce.

So you need to talk about storage and plan for months not weeks.

The property market is very slow, there is not much coming on the market. She's in a great position to proceed once she finds something suitable. But that could take months.

DD was looking to buy her first home. She had her deposit saved up and her mortgage agreed. She just needed the right property within her budget to come along. She checked online every day and she even widened her search radius but it was still well over a year before anything suitable came on the market. It didn't matter to us because she lived here anyway, in her family home, already had her own room etc.

Your MIL could see something she likes next week, or it could be months and months. I think you do need to have the conversation with your DH and put a time limit on how long she can live with you.

You haven’t said how old she is, but I’m guess 70s if she is still helping with school runs. She’s got her feet under the table and is in no rush to leave.

Yes to storage which she pays for
Then drag her round every possible house within budget in your area, every single week until she she’s yes to one

tell her completion must be before Christmas with a chosen house by August, if not she needs to move into rented.

Sounds like she's too comfortable. At least make her pay for storing her stuff. Sounds claustrophobic with all those things, and the children may end up resenting her being there. That would be a shame.

I’m glad you were joking as I was about to point out that moving her into an annexe is you signing yourself up to be her future unpaid carer. I’m a carer and one of my main clients moved her two (at the time completely well) parents into her annexe. Within 2 years it was found dad was a secret alcoholic, had 5 falls in 3 months , 1 resulting in a brain bleed causing dementia type symptoms, and another a broken hip. Mum got diagnosed with huntingtons and went down EXTREMELY quickly, in the time I’ve had her she can no longer wash/dress/make food or drinks, can barely speak and is becoming incontinent. They’ve been moved into the main house and she’s become their full time carer on the 4 days a week she cannot afford round the clock carers. Her career and relationship is on hold and at now 40 years old her and her partner have had to make the decision to not start a family. It’s nice you’re helping your mil op, but it sounds like she’s not even attempting to help herself

The one thing about moving her stuff into storage is it could have the opposite effect - out of sight, out of mind and the house then starts to seem plenty big.

How old is she? Is it a retirement type place she is looking at?

What sort of property is she looking for? How old is she?

It might be easier/quicker if we build an annex
That is her real long term plan, she'll help out with childcare for a while & in return you'll be her servant & carer for the rest of her days.

OP, I think you are going to have to have an honest conversation with her about the fact that the house is just too small for her to live with you permanently. Unfortunately, the longer she stays, the more difficult it will be for you. I’d be doing some earnest house hunting to move things along a bit.

Time to have a chat, you only agreed to this as you thought it would be a short time but as it’s already been 6werks and she’s not offered on anywhere, realistically you are looking at August at the earliest (assuming she finds something perfect in the next week or so), most likely September or October. So can she find a short term rental property instead while she looks? Say a deadline of end of June for the dcs to have their bedrooms back?

How old are the DC? Is she doing many viewings? Where abouts are you? We all need to help find her a property 🤣

It sounds like she needs to keep some clothes and minimal personal effects with her, and put all the storage boxes and furniture into a rented storage unit.

What age/sex are the children? Are any of them studying for exams? If you have a girl, could MIL share her bedroom so that the room doesn’t become ‘grandma’s room’ by stealth?

Talk with your husband first though. If you really need her to go it might be better to push for her and her stuff to move into a rented flat. Once the stuff is gone this might be harder to achieve.

She must be making a tidy bit of interest on the proceeds of her house sale, she can afford to rent somewhere.

My god, I'd be concerned the longer she stays the furthur she gets her feet under the table. Then it becomes the norm and the convo about moving becomes harder and time goes on. "But it seems to work well with everyone, my son seems happy with the arrangement you are a troublemaker"
Worst case scenarion, next thing you know you are a carer for an aging person.
Nearly fell into that trap myself, finally got shot of exh and mil in one hit, I divorced him and pushed for sale of the house. He moved back with her and remained is still there 20 years later, is her carer and has no life of his own as she's so needy. That could have been me 😮
Take them in and they think you've adopted them.
Set a time limit and don't get swayed by tears, tantrums or sulking from mil or h for that matter. You and your kids need your home and space back yesterday.

I get the OP's discomfort, but this is so incredibly sad. I mean, that the ILs are never wanted, ever. Not a single post on here how they are thrilled that ILs moved in. We shall all become ILs one day and be never wanted by our children-in-law. Life is cruel and unattractive in this respect. The only time I was really jealous properly is when my friend's husband, on hearing that her mother became widowed in Greece and totally alone, told her 'bring her home'. The old woman was brought to the UK to live with them, not speaking a word of English, with her weird habits, etc. She never learnt English until she died, managed to have rows with her son-in-law in Greek, was interfering and also very ill in the last 6 years of her life. I heard from my friend (!) about all the problems and yet I was insanely jealous, to have seen such humanity in somebody else's family. To this day I am jealous, thinking that had either of my parents lived widowed, I doubt my dh would have done the same.

You've been played OP. They're both taking the piss and she's got no intentions of moving out. Don't worry about her or DH feeling she's unwelcome - she is unwelcome! Be honest about it, don't pussy foot around else you'll find your concerns dismissed as unimportant and be railroaded into accepting the situation indefinitely. This is your home and your life, stand up for yourself.

Definitely agree a date for moving out. As this date approaches she needs to be looking at rentals, she's not going to buy somewhere quickly enough. No arguments about how she "can't afford it" on her pension - she doesn't only have her income to live on, she has the sale price of the house and she's going to have to use some of it for rent. 6 months in the average private rental will focus her mind on buying somewhere!

As far as buying something goes, all this nonsense about "not being able to find somewhere" has to stop. She's not going to be able to find eg the conveniences of a 3 bedroom house type situation in a 1 bedroom flat. So she needs to accept reality, downsizing means things drastically changing and altering her lifestyle to fit her new circumstances.

She's inconveniencing you badly and your DC, she's putting a strain on your marriage and has filled your home with her crap. It's completely unreasonable. She never should have moved in. There's property for sale on Rightmove every single day. She's now at the point where she has to pick one. Rather than comparing them all to the cushy set up she has now or the situation she had before, finding the available properties lesser than and saying they're "unsuitable" as a result.

If she doesn't like where she's picked and can't settle there then she can move again in a few years, like everyone else has to do. If that happens don't accept her into your home again. If she sells without somewhere go to then she's going to have to rent while she looks.

Definitely don't build an annex! Unless you really want to be her old age carer. It's not fair your family should bare the brunt of that cost either and the alternative is her owning a stake in your property, if she pays for the annex to be built. Not a situation you want to get into, you'd be even more trapped.

I know of someone who moved in temporarily after her partner died and stayed 27 years. What was the agreement when she moved in?

I would happily live with family I get on with so long as there's enough room for everyone. If I had to of course we could all double up, use the living room as a bedroom but luckily I don't need to.OP's MIL has enough money to buy her own home or she could suggest everyone moving somewhere bigger. Personally when I go on holiday with family I still need my own space.
It's all a balance and easily upset.

I think the time for having a conversation and putting her stuff in storage was perhaps before she moved in. How seriously is she looking for a new home? Are her plans realistic - can she afford what she wants/needs or is she looking for something exceptional at an unrealistic price? Has she registered with local agents, is she on Rightmove every day? Is she doing viewings? Maybe she needs some active support - if she lived in her previous home for years, the thought of starting over could be daunting. Perhaps offering proactive help might be a good starting point for a discussion.

I think moving her stuff into storage would be a good start too. I can't imagine having an entire extra house of belongings in my home. Having to pay money for this storage every month might also focus her mind on the house search. Hopefully the property market is as flat near you as it seems to be generally as she could otherwise very easily find herself priced out if she didn't get a move on.

What a kind thing to do for your MIL. I had a wonderful late MIL, who was a very easy houseguest, I miss her everyday.

Things I would suggest is checking RM daily to help her search. Speak to local agents etc. If the storage is an issue, then absolutely say as longer than expected, out source storage options. Make the most on the on site babysitter and have date nights and perhaps a short break so you and DH marriage doesn’t suffer. Remember it’s temporary, and you might need her help in the future.

Good luck

Well, that isn’t true, is it?

The OP has clearly welcomed her MIL to stay with her…just not until the rapture.

The OP’s mil needs to be more proactive is all.

As others have said this needs an end date agreed in everyone’s interests. This includes your MIL. Giving up her independence is not in her best interests - I’ve seen friends have parents come and live with them because friend got the idea their parents were ‘old and frail’ but in reality they just needed a bit more support navigating finances, house repairs or healthcare. One friend ended up having to move her parent out after another baby arrived and amazingly her parent thrived having their own space again. The ‘old and frail’ parent lived for another two decades. Everyone had been doing what they thought everyone else wanted and were foregoing what they each needed to avoid cause offence.

That's lovely, but my grandparents lived with us for over 10 years and my parents have always said most emphatically that we are never to do the same for them. It broke my mum, and it had a huge impact on us as children. My GPs never made a single friend locally either, so I imagine they were pretty lonely too.