Will we ever get our house back

[Temporarilypermanently]

My MIL has sold her property to downsize and is currently residing with us temporarily while she secures a suitable local property. We are accommodating her belongings within our home, and our children are sharing a bedroom to facilitate her stay. This arrangement has introduced a degree of disruption, impacting our usual household routines. The situation would be more manageable if a moving out date were established, but she has yet to identify a preferred property. Would it be appropriate to discuss with DH a timeframe for her property search? Having a projected move date or at least a property identified would alleviate the current pressures on our household/me. I am concerned that discussing this matter with my DH may lead to some distress, I do not want him to feel that his mother is unwelcome. While I initially accepted and was happy with this as a short-term arrangement I need some reassurance that things will be moving along. It might be easier/quicker if we build an annex.

Sorry I was joking about the annexe it isn't a viable option.

It's definitely a concern if she hasn't found a property that she likes more than 12 months after putting her property for sale. Is she actively viewing properties?

Are you worried that her plan was actually to move in with you permanently? Will your DH get offended if you raise this with him and accuse you of not making his mother welcome?

What is she like as a guest? Is she low-maintenance and helpful or high maintenance and difficult?

Thank you for all the replies. I think insisting on her things going in to storage is a good start. We aren't asking for any financial contribution from her whilst she is staying so I don't think it unreasonable to ask her to put her things in to storage. It will certainly be less chaotic without the countless boxes and bits of furnishings cluttering up any space.

I would look at bills though and whether an extra person is impacting this e.g. if you and DH work all day and kids are at school, is she watching TV and using more electricity?
Is she contributing to food as I assume she is eating with you, so with an extra person that might also be a bit extra?

It's been 12 months and 6 weeks. [I'm hearing Sinead O'Connor in my head right now] but realistically inflation is going to erode the value of her money long term.
She is presumably retired and could be out house-hunting every day. The market is super quiet and it's a good time to get better value and she's a cash buyer. Your kids can't share indefinitely and your home isn't a storage facility.
So practically speaking, I'd be proactively booking appointments for the three of you to view everything within a 15 mile radius every Saturday for weeks ahead.

She's moved in with you on the sly.

Does your DH actually want her to move out?

It is a bad idea to let someone move in for an unspecified period, hopefully you'll be more careful next time! But you can explain to MIL now that you haven't the space for a long term stay and she needs to move out in (say) another 6 weeks at the most, into a rental if she isn't ready to move permanently. Perfectly reasonable to say that.

@Temporarilypermanently You could always start having very loud sex - perhaps on those occasions your DCs are out but your MIL is in. 😈

is she actively looking? I’d be bothered if she wasn’t actively looking and going for viewings. Getting her stuff moved to a storage unit is definitely the way to go. How is she otherwise? Helpful? Considerate?

Perhaps put it to your husband that you wouldn't want any resentment to grow if she stayed too long. Definitely things in storage is reasonable, more than reasonable, her renting a one bedroom flat would also be reasonable. Staying whilst awaiting completion is probably most people's comfort level, the situation you have is more than generous and would test most relationships. I love my parents but I would be testing our relationship to have them move in or me in their house. It's natural to want your own space. She might be happier if she rents for a while. Good luck

Also your husband can get stressed etc, that's okay, he needs to think about all his relationships, his marriage and the needs of his children, not just his mother. He can feel uncomfortable and he can talk to her.

What happened during the house sale? Was the idea that she could sell chain free proposed then? I wonder if she has treated her house sale and new purchase as 2 entirely separate things. She sold, moved in with you, but has procrastinated about the purchase, believing she had all the time in the world. You saw it as very temporary, she viewed it as an open ended offer that meant she'd not have to rush and only buy when the perfect, Goldilocks house came onto the market.

I'd be sending her links to houses that meet her basic criteria on a daily basis. It may require you to be the driving force in the search. Also send her and discuss storage options. For someone's entire house to be inside yours for this long is very cheeky IMO. She must know her grandkids have sacrificed their separate bedrooms to accommodate her. Time's up and she needs to find somewhere. Market isn't brilliant for volume of houses but she's in a very strong bargaining position now.

She has offered to pay for food and contribute to household bills but she is family so I wouldn't ever take it from her. She has been really good helping with school runs and homework and has minded the kids so DH and I have been able to go out a few times. Writing it down it sounds like a great situation but on a practical level with kids bedrooms it isn't doable on a permanent basis.

Takes months and months to buy a house and that's when she finds one.. perhaps you shouldn't have agreed to this OP. Nice to be nice but...!

Sorry that your are going through this nightmare. I could barely last a night with mine before I’d choose to live in a tent instead.

A frank conversation and the suggestion of helping her find an interim rental may suddenly speed up her departure.

DH should be as concerned about the disruption, kids sharing, excess storage stuff as you are. Is he not?

I can't believe you and your DH kicked one of your kids out of their bedrooms for an unknown amount of time to accommodate this batshit behaviour.

MIL needs to go. Either to a rental or a hotel. Now.

I’d expect she will be there for a year or so tbh

That's awful of your husband to make everyone in the house's lives worse to pander to his mother.

He needs to set a timeline with her and your kids get their rooms back today. She can sleep on the sofa or wherever, and her stuff can go to storage where it should have gone to straight from her sold property.
She can rent or use long term AirB&Bs if it's not to her liking.

To me it sounds like she's moved in, you just don't realise it yet! If she's had a year of looking and selling her property that's a lot of opportunities she hasn't taken. I would ensure she is on all mailing lists for estate agents, if she hasn't got/doesn't use email then print them out for her, I'd do this regularly and prompt her to review. I'd also be making moves to get her to view properties too. She should also be speaking to estate agents so they know her requirements and if anything comes up they can let her know quickly. It needs to be an urgent thing, not something she does when she thinks of it - I am guessing she is far too comfortable!

I'd also talk to DH about her renting a place, if she doesn't like that because it'll be "wasting money" that will at least hurry her up. Also get her stuff into storage because your children shouldn't have to put up with that just because she can't make up her mind.

Sorry if that all sounds tough, but I'd hate having another family member and the mess of someone's stuff in my place. I'd want firm plans and dates.

So if you won't accept money, then I don't see her moving out any time soon. She will be a permanent feature which you will with continue to embrace and be pleased about her 'being family' and helping with school runs or you will get fed up of her being around. Also will she continue to be so helpful.
If she knows she can stay as long as she wants maybe that money saved for the house will start to be spent on things she enjoys so she suddenly isn't available to help out as she is doing a class, and then also doesn't have the funds to buy the house she wants when she finds it.

She has no impetus to leave whilst living rent free with you.

if she had a large amount of equity in the house she sold, presumably she is earning a good amount of interest on that. Would it cover a rental?

I think you need to have a tough talk to your DH about timelines for your kids behalf. If her house took a year to sell and she still hasn’t even found something- this could go on for years which isn’t fair on your kids right now( I know someone will say well when I was a kid but… these kids had their own room already)

With her stuff in storage I would give her 3 months to find a property and if she hasn’t found something she can rent till she finds her unicorn.

Is she being overly picky is she be realistic in her search?

Since it sounds like you all get on with her and it's not a stressful experience except for the space, I think asking her to put things in storage now is a good start and if she hasn't even identified a house in 6 months, have a sit down with her to say you don't want the kids sharing for more than a year tops, so she'll need to find somewhere very soon or start looking for a rental while she searches. But have this conversation with DH now, so you know the timeline and can relax about it.

(I have said 6 then 12 months because I assume if you invited her to stay knowing she hadn't even found a house yet, you knew it would be unlikely to be less than 6 months, and doubling that seems reasonable to me. But if you have a different "that's too much" point in mind, use that.)

Actively help her house hunt. Download details of every property in her price range and arrange viewings. Insist that she sees at least 3 properties a week. She can't stay with you long term, she must realise that. Also give her information about local storage facilities and arrange for her stuff to be removed from your house as soon as possible.