Will we ever get our house back

[Temporarilypermanently]

My MIL has sold her property to downsize and is currently residing with us temporarily while she secures a suitable local property. We are accommodating her belongings within our home, and our children are sharing a bedroom to facilitate her stay. This arrangement has introduced a degree of disruption, impacting our usual household routines. The situation would be more manageable if a moving out date were established, but she has yet to identify a preferred property. Would it be appropriate to discuss with DH a timeframe for her property search? Having a projected move date or at least a property identified would alleviate the current pressures on our household/me. I am concerned that discussing this matter with my DH may lead to some distress, I do not want him to feel that his mother is unwelcome. While I initially accepted and was happy with this as a short-term arrangement I need some reassurance that things will be moving along. It might be easier/quicker if we build an annex.

@Feis123 it's not that they're unwanted as people in someone's life. It's that when a family buys a home, they do so with the attitude of buying the space they need. Not with it in mind that hypothetically 4 parents may also want to move in! It isn't practical for the in-laws or parents to move in due to space. It's the lack of space and lack of privacy that's the issue.

Many families would find it cheaper and life more easily affordable to house share a 4bed with another family than to rent/buy a 2bed but nobody ever does it because sharing sucks! People want their own space, they don't want the compromises that comes with sharing.

You move out from your parents home to get freedom, moving back in with them in either house is a PITA and curtails that freedom. In-laws moving in is even worse! They're basically just "people", acquaintances/friends, not actually blood relations with a shared history and natural bond. It's an even more awkward loss of freedom.

When people spend a significant chunk of their income housing themselves, they want to do so in a way that they can live their lives how they choose. Plenty of marriages/relationships break up because people can't live with each other and each others ways and habits - and that's someone you've chosen and loved! How much more difficult it is when it's not your partner you're living with and compromising for.

We all may or may not become parents, we may or may not become in-laws. But whether we do or don't have children and daughters/sons-in-law, we can be sure that nobody will ever want us moving into their happy home that suits them and the life they've built, putting a spanner in the works with our presence. It's ridiculous to think otherwise TBH and would just be setting ourselves up for disappointment.

She is going no where!

Agree with this. How are the kids with suddenly sharing a room?

I would definitely ask how the search is going and what help she needs etc.

I think it’s best to speak to DH early before any resentment starts to set in. Also sets expectations so he knows where you stand

I think it best I lay my cards on the table. I will suggest to DH that we all sit down tonight once the kids are asleep and have a conversation. Firstly to agree MIL's belongings (not clothes and essentials) are put in to storage. Secondly to come up with a more suitable living plan, the kids having their own bedrooms again with MIL having a bedroom downstairs (backroom) temporarily. Thirdly discussing that living with us is a temporary measure and she needs to start looking at options that are available. I hope this doesn't sour our relationship because she is a lovely woman and a fantastic MIL and Grandma. Wish me luck!

All the best. I think the fact that you all like each other means you’re half way there already.

I personally wouldn't expect to stay at my son's or daughter's unless it was very short term. The fact that its disrupted your household and impacted on your children's sleeping arrangements as well as living amongst her things, is not really helping the situation. It sounds like shes made herself comfortable there and isn't in a hurry to move out. Maybe you could have a word with her and tell her that whilst you dont mind helping her out, the living arrangements are not really suitable for your family long term.

She had a year to find a new home.

i suspect when you have this conversation that you are going to discover your MIL lives with you now.

Absolutely, it made a huge impact on their children too - they learnt Greek and are now both fluent, they learnt not to put themselves first, they learnt humanity and to see the world through the eyes of non-English speaking migrants, they realised that elderly people are precious and fragile, etc. etc. They learnt to mend and do, and most importantly, they learnt what love is. You can see I am still jealous. They would certainly not be listening what my friend told them - she told them the same - don't move us in when we are decrepit - they know what love is and what family us.

You should have ironed this out with your husband and MIL at the start.

My ex fil was forced to live with us, it started as a temporary two week stay that turned into twelve months. My dh loved it as he hadn’t lived with his dad since he was 11 ish and I was totally pushed out of my home and routine.
I issued an ultimatum in the end it was him or me and as I was also pregnant with baby no2 my ex husband knew he had to sort it out. Horrible twelve months, I’ll never ever have a parent or in law live me with again and never will I live with my adult children. The stress was awful so no I don’t think you are unreasonable to get this sorted and the sooner the conversation happens the better

Why have you equated not wanting to share a living space with not ‘wanting’ someone? It’s an interesting conflation.

Oh OP you have my sympathy. We took in my husband's elderly uncle several years ago, as he became unwell, admitted to hospital etc. The property he'd been renting for decades in London wasn't fit for purpose, so he couldn't go back. We ended up moving him in with us, in Dorset... temporarily until he was better and we could find him a property to rent. After 3 months it became apparent he was well enough to move out, but he'd made no mention of finding anywhere. In the end we had a blunt conversation, you have 3 months to find a property and move out. If we hadn't, he'd still be living with us now!!

You need a conversation with your husband about a realistic timeframe for his Mum to move out. Your MIL had her property on the market for 12 months but in that time, didn't find a single property she liked???!!!! You are absolutely correct to be concerned. She's now living in your home! She could take another 12 months, living in your home to find a property! At the very least her belongings need to be going into storage. Your husband then needs a serious conversation with his Mum, making it clear, that she needs to make an effort to find a property and we moved out within a specific timeframe. Both of you need to offer to look/go to viewings.

Never mind the interest, she can spend the bloody capital! She's the one who put herself in this situation. There's a reason people enter long house purchasing chains and don't sell their own until they've found somewhere to move into. She chose this situation, so now she needs to deal with the new situation and rent.

Interesting indeed!

It sounds like she had her feet under the table - I hope your husband would rather have his wife and children than his mother!

She has offered to pay for food and contribute to household bills but she is family so I wouldn't ever take it from her

Now that's just plain daft, she's a grown adult and family or not it's not your responsibility to buy her food.

I’m not sure moving her into her own bedroom and putting her stuff into storage signals ‘temporary’. More the opposite, I’d be careful with that.

Why did you agree to it in the first place? I wouldn’t even do that for my own mum. Couldn’t stand to have someone else living in my house. I wouldn’t even give a 6 week deadline and say that she has to find somewhere to rent by then.

She has moved in by stealth.

You may as well buy a bigger house and be done with it. That was the plan all along. You just weren't in on it.

Good luck. I hope she understands.

You are totally within your rights to discuss with hubby and be firm on needing a move out idea. My own father lived with us for a period of time whilst starting a new job and getting sorted with a home. He was with us 8 months and paid rent and regularly bought us a meal but it was still dreadful and a massive source of stress between hubby and me. I love my dad but it was so suffocating having him live with me that our own relationship suffered, we are back on good terms now he is out of my house!

Yikes - you need to get H to sort this, it’s impacting on all your family.
At the moment she has no incentive to move.
She’d be better renting - I bet she’d find somewhere to buy super quick then.

We're 6 months in from having our offer accepted on our house. She hasn't found a place in the past year. She isn't gonna find one any time soon. You've got this for a year minimum I'd expect.