AIBU to expect 50 50 house costs with lower earning partner?

[TheSnappyHelper]

Been with partner 10 years. No kids, not married, no plans to be. But we are long-term partners and are both planning that this is hopefully the partner for life.

I am higher earner and self employed. Used to be on significantly more, now on a pretty average salary due to industry changes.

He has always been on a lower amount. He was pursuing art things (and doing quite well) and freelancing in odd jobs. For various reasons, he is not suited to an office career job (he tried).

I got on the property ladder (all my own hard work, no help from parents). I recently sold, and made a reasonable amount of money. He paid me a token amount while we lived there. (Lower than market rent). Me and my partner have now bought a house together.

Now we are both on the deeds. He is working a minimum wage job again. (He works bloody hard. He is a grafter.) He does have plans to improve his income (but it doesn't always work out).

How much should we each pay? We agreed 50/50 towards all house bills and house improvements. (Because otherwise, I would feel resentful given I have reduced my own investment to help him get on the property ladder and I want to protect myself in case we break up one day).

But, I feel guilty every time I bring up money stuff, and conscious that he's on less as I can see the stress in his face about paying. And I read a lot about how it's normal for higher earners to pay more... But I've paid more for 10 years.

YABU - you should pay more, he earns less
YANBU - your setup is fair and 50/50 is reasonable

You pay the same proportion of your salary. The monetary amount might be less, but the proportion is the same.

Did you put in a bigger deposit?

@ExtraOnions but what about if his salary is lower because he's pissed around for years...? He had a lovely quiet time whilst I was knackering myself working.

Should have said that he's a grafter NOW because he has to be because we've bought a house. He hasn't always been...

I genuinely don't see the point in a partnership with someone if you're going to treat them like a roommate. IMO all money should be shared. A situation in which one partner is doing well and the other is struggling is just madness to me - I could never ever see my DH counting pennies while I have plenty. I can't ever see that working out well - the resentment, the inequality would eat away anything good in the relationship.

I would add that if you are resentful because you feel he's lazy then that's unlikely to be an issue that will resolve itself. You really need to address it or you will end up poisoning the atmosphere between you.

@coulditbeme2323 yes a much bigger deposit.

I put in about 45%. He put in 7% (gifted from his parent).

If we break up and sell, we will each get back that percentage.

The remaining amount (48% of sale price) we will split 50/50.

Please tell me that's legally drawn up

Depends on the difference in income I think and how much each of you have left after bills ect. Personally I am in the pay proportionate to your income camp if weight is pulled evenly all around too.
Especially if 50/50 means one partner ends up with £200 a month personal spending and the other £2 😅
You could always ringfence what I assume was your deposit from the sale of your previous property?

Ring fence your deposit and pay according to your means. Essentially if you can eat lobster while your partner eats bread and water, they aren’t really a partner.

I'm not resentful - yet - because we've agreed that we are paying 50/50.

I might be resentful if I went back to paying for more.

Previously I didn't mind it as my hard work was going into paying off my own future and security.

But it was never my plan to spend the money I earn to support a second person, and if I have to spend more on paying for both of us, it restricts the options I have in my career (i.e. punting for a shorter but better quality bit of work) as I will be less able to absorb the gaps.

Well if you're actually partners for life, building a life, home and potentially a family should mean you're a team on this and you each contribute according to your earnings. If you love him and you're fully sharing your lives, why would you see him with less than you?

If you don't think he deserves it because he didn't work hard enough then that's pretty close to contempt, which leads to resentment, and that's the death knell of love. After all, he may have made the decision not to do what he could to earn well, but presumably you knew that when you made the decision to join lives with him?

In my opinion, you're treating him like a roommate rather than a life partner.
All money should be shared, or at least paid in proportion to your earnings.
If you put in a larger deposit, then you could agree to protect that, but otherwise you should be living at a couple after 10 years together.

What would you do if you got long term sick, or were made redundant, and he came the main earner - would you hope he would support you then? You are a partnership, and this should be in all aspects of life, including financial.

Yes it's legally drawn up.

And to be clear - I am v frugal. We are neither of us 'doing amazingly well' - think 25K vs 45K. We don't have holidays, we shop at Aldi (lol at lobster). Previously any extra money I had I spent on my property (plastering etc).

I've never watched him struggle and not acted - hence I've always paid for things, bought drinks, meals, etc etc.

I just said when we bought the house together that I wanted us to start being an equal partnership (and he agreed). I'm just wondering how realistic that is.

I will be honest the way you describe him is worrying.

5050. YOU BOTH AGREED THAT.

Not fair to change it now.

It's also only fair for higher earners to pay more when

1. the higher earners wants something unreasonably expensive for the lower earner and the lower earner is content within their means e.g. you want a 5 bed house and he says no, he can't afford it.
2. The other party is bringing something else to the table, like doing more chores or childcare.

Is he doing more chores? 👀🤔

My son is self-employed and had to explain to girlfriends he shared with that money he got per month wasn't all for spending or sharing - there might be periods where jobs weren't coming in and in his industry it's easy to be cancelled. I don't see why you should continue paying for this bloke. I'd think less of him if he expected you to. It would be different if he was ill and couldn't earn, but he's messed about and now wants to live the life of someone who hasn't.

I wouldn't have bought a house with him, though, if his deposit was from his mum.

What she your future plans? Woth respect, he is at least mod twenties and still on minimum wage bumbling about without a career while you're progressing and playing house. Seems like very different life stages.

You should have protected your asset and not bought jointly. He could split up with you tomorrow and walk away with half of the equity in the house.

So you are partners for life
no kids
assume no kids from previous relationships

so no direct concerns about inheritance?

so you decided to go on deeds 50/50 assuming 50/50 with costs - and he agreed to the percentage and equal costs?

So what’s changed? He was earning more? Costs have gone up? You both didn’t factor in all that is needed?

You just need to talk to him
He is stressed
You are stressed

You could either alter the ownership percentage, or you could agree to pay a bit more but he takes on more domestic work, as it’s all required contribution
You could put everything you both earn into one account and use that for all bills and living

Money enables you to do what you want to do.

If you are life long partners, no kids, can you just use your pooled money for your lives? To enjoy and both be less stressed and work earn and spend as a team?

All money should be shared, or at least paid in proportion to your earnings.

Why, though? They're not married. Why should she subsidise him so that he can do whatever he wants? His mum is clearly already doing that.

@TheSnappyHelperi think 50/50 is fair. He's already subsidised in that the mortgage would have been a lot more without your very much larger deposit. And he will get 50% of any growth in value.

It all sounds a bit cynical and clinical really. I think as long as your monies are ring fenced re. The deposit and profit share etc then who is counting? Our situation is a bit more free flowing... And I am really not keeping count. You do come across as a bit resentful even if you don't intend to.

The 'why' is that they're partners.

DH and I have been together for 24 years. In that time sometimes he's earned more, sometimes I've earned more. Regardless, even before we were married and before we had children, money was always shared.

What is the point of being with someone if you're dividing everything and accounting for everything?

I have to ask, why did you decide to buy a house with him? You sound fundamentally incompatible.

If you buy a home jointly and equally together then if you break up you get a half share.
If you buy a home as tenants in common and specified the percentage share in the property from the get go then legally you get back the percentage share that you own.
You might have agreed something verbally but I am afraid if you break up that agreement is worth the paper it is written on.

You sound as though you really don’t want to share and pool your money for you both as a couple. This pooled money should be for home, holidays and bills.
Even though you have been together for ten years.
You should pay a bit more into the pot as you earn more.

I once worked with a woman who divided up her phone bill. She worked out what she had spent and what he had spent. It was no way to be.