AIBU to expect 50 50 house costs with lower earning partner?

[TheSnappyHelper]

Been with partner 10 years. No kids, not married, no plans to be. But we are long-term partners and are both planning that this is hopefully the partner for life.

I am higher earner and self employed. Used to be on significantly more, now on a pretty average salary due to industry changes.

He has always been on a lower amount. He was pursuing art things (and doing quite well) and freelancing in odd jobs. For various reasons, he is not suited to an office career job (he tried).

I got on the property ladder (all my own hard work, no help from parents). I recently sold, and made a reasonable amount of money. He paid me a token amount while we lived there. (Lower than market rent). Me and my partner have now bought a house together.

Now we are both on the deeds. He is working a minimum wage job again. (He works bloody hard. He is a grafter.) He does have plans to improve his income (but it doesn't always work out).

How much should we each pay? We agreed 50/50 towards all house bills and house improvements. (Because otherwise, I would feel resentful given I have reduced my own investment to help him get on the property ladder and I want to protect myself in case we break up one day).

But, I feel guilty every time I bring up money stuff, and conscious that he's on less as I can see the stress in his face about paying. And I read a lot about how it's normal for higher earners to pay more... But I've paid more for 10 years.

YABU - you should pay more, he earns less
YANBU - your setup is fair and 50/50 is reasonable

I know lots disagree, but partners are partners and marriage is marriage.

One is more important than the other, and I won't be convinced otherwise.

If you aren't married I think you are doing the right thing.

I don't see how it's possible to share a life with someone to this extent and not have broadly equal spending power.

I also understand why it might worry you that you are putting in so much more financially, but if this is the relationship for you, you'll need to come to terms with that.

I agree with PP, if you wanted to keep seperate finances, why on earth did you give him equal shares in a house funded by your equity?

You can be equal partners in terms of house contributions if that's what you want and have agreed. But you need to accept that you won't be living equal lives because he will be struggling by the sounds of things and you won't.

You need to decide if that's how you want to live or if you think he'll manage to match it earnings to make things easier. Or if you want to enable a better life for you together by using a proportionate system.

Why did you marry and purchase a home with someone who's spent most of their life a shirker, works a minimum wage job; who you'll grow to resentment for not matching you financially?

It's not as of the writing was wasn't all over the wall.

Have you thought about the fact that he may come to resent you for expecting blood out of stone? What will he have for 'other activities' after paying for half the bills and upkeep?

This is key. And is more fundamental than who pays for what.

I'd be interested to know if, when the 50/50 agreement was made - Did you sit down and discuss your budget in any detail - did you try to work out in advance how much the elec/gas, insurances, food costs etc were going to be??

50/50 is fine - if it's based on the affordability of the lower earner. If however you either didn't work out the budget in advance, or if it was based on what you, as the higher earner, could afford then I personally dont believe its fair on the lower earner.

Perhaps your partner agreed to pay 50/50 before he realised how much that would actually be??

I think 50/50 can be really unfair when there's a large salary difference... Unless the split includes all holidays, gym membership, savings etc and the remaining money is simply for monthly bits and bobs.
You're a partnership and you knew each others situation before you bought a home together. If he'd been hiding a mountain of debt it would be different, but you could effectively be leaving him short every month while you have the ability to spend on whatever you fancy.

This is a tricky one and interesting to see the other side. I've been with my partner 9 years with a shared child. He earns £90 per hour to my £20 per hour. He also has lots in savings and is from a wealthy family. We don't share money. He pays rent (which is higher) and I pay bills (still high on a 4 bed house). I made it clear from the start i couldn't afford half. However I get a lot of anger from him. He wants me paying half of everything, working 3 X as much as he does and I do absolutely everything in the house...he spends most of the day in bed or gaming. It's hard because I have to budget to take our child on days out and he's spending his money in the pub every other day. Yet he resents I can't afford to pay exactly half.

I also get regularly shouted at and told I can leave HIS house (not his) if I ask him to help with housework. As he earns more he refuses to do anything and thinks I'm his slave.

I am worried for you. You don't sound like someone in a partnership, which is fine, but your finance are all wrapped up in each other's now. Why did you sell your last home? That seemed to be a much better situation.

What if you make your bills proportional but then the selling price proportional as well? So if you contribute 60/40 etc and the house sells for 200K - you take out the deposit and then 60/40 the remaining? So you won't feel like you're contributing to his retirement.

To be honest though the way you are talking about money, the future, and the lack of respect you have for him (fairly or not), I think you're better off disentangling yourselves sooner rather than later.

The slightly seething passive aggressive tone you use to describe him hints at resentment, I’m not convinced you’re life partners or that you should have risked buying a house together…

When I bought a house with my then partner I paid 60% towards the deposit and he paid 40%. (With a small mortgage). When we split up and sold we took 50% each. He'd done a lot of manual work on the house and I thought that should be given credit. I earned more than him as well but we never argued over money. And we're still friends now.

How can you buy a house with someone, and not have discussed and agreed the financial implications that are payable by you both beforehand?

If you've purchased the house as tenants in common, with an ownership reflecting anything other than 50/50 - then any household costs (building work etc) should reflect that split.

Day to day costs (shopping bills etc) is different and should be based on your different salaries...

I’d do 50/50 on the mortgage, because it’s an asset, and income-based percentages on the bills. Then alternate things like who pays for nights out (and he can choose cheaper options).

Gosh he sounds awful. I hope you can get some space from him. Looks like all he brings to the table is money but with lots of strings.

Is 50% of the mortgage plus bills on the house you bought together affordable on NMW full time?

this is all quite strange, as you knew he was on NMW and always would be, what were the discussions when you decided to purchase together?

PP makes a good point. Did he understand what 50/50 would cost him, if he's been used to effectively being a lodger and you handling all the bills?

Why would you remain in such a horrible relationship?

When I was part time or on mat leave or on a lower wage because my career took a battering from all that, we split our joint account in proportion with our income. Now that we're earning similar to each other and both full time, I pay more into the house pot while his stayed the same.

It doesn't have to be set exactly the same forever.

However, it does sound in some of this thread that there's some resentment about the gap in earnings because he's not been on less because of childcare for your shared kids or on less while he trained for a job that satisfied him and brings in more longer term.

I think I saw that you wanted and agreed it would be a shared 50/50 partnership once you bought the home together. In that case, you both pay in the same amount to a joint account from which the household bills come.

However, I am confused about what you thought would happen?

Why did you marry and purchase a home with someone who's spent most of their life a shirker, works a minimum wage job; who you'll grow to resentment for not matching you financially?

They are not married. From the OP 'Been with partner 10 years. No kids, not married, no plans to be.'

This is why no one should have a child until they're married. You'd be in a strong position to "leave his house" if you were.

The remaining amount (48% of sale price) we will split 50/50.

In which case he needs to pay in 50% towards mortgage and 50% on bills.

He is an able bodied man there are no children or health factors.
I wouldnt be subbing him

If he wants you paying in 75/25 then you need to update the legal terms and ownership and it needs to work such you need to get your ring fenced deposits back then remaining equity is split 75 to you 25 to him.

Why did you sign up to this, or if he's changed, what are you doing about leaving? How do you maintain a relationship with a man who gets angry at you for not paying what he knows you can't afford?
Why are you solely responsible for your child's expenses and why do you stay where you're not wanted?
A man should only need to tell you to leave once; after which you starts making plans to do exactly that.

No kids makes it extremely straightforward. However, OP you have got yourself into a bit of a mess by jointly buying a house.

Even more ridiculous that OP is in this mess.

Glad you have your huge deposit to the house ring fence and protected in case you split up

I get why you don’t want to sub him. You’ve put the money for the house. You’re not married. You don’t have children.

Sounds like he needs to earn better money because he’s literally on minimum wage so with the fact he does a second job or change his career but if he wants to be a house owner, then he needs to stop paying more into it.

It’s very one-sided at the moment and yes it’s normally the male who ends up paying more and the woman less but that’s generally when she’s dropped her career to have children.