AIBU to expect 50 50 house costs with lower earning partner?

[TheSnappyHelper]

Been with partner 10 years. No kids, not married, no plans to be. But we are long-term partners and are both planning that this is hopefully the partner for life.

I am higher earner and self employed. Used to be on significantly more, now on a pretty average salary due to industry changes.

He has always been on a lower amount. He was pursuing art things (and doing quite well) and freelancing in odd jobs. For various reasons, he is not suited to an office career job (he tried).

I got on the property ladder (all my own hard work, no help from parents). I recently sold, and made a reasonable amount of money. He paid me a token amount while we lived there. (Lower than market rent). Me and my partner have now bought a house together.

Now we are both on the deeds. He is working a minimum wage job again. (He works bloody hard. He is a grafter.) He does have plans to improve his income (but it doesn't always work out).

How much should we each pay? We agreed 50/50 towards all house bills and house improvements. (Because otherwise, I would feel resentful given I have reduced my own investment to help him get on the property ladder and I want to protect myself in case we break up one day).

But, I feel guilty every time I bring up money stuff, and conscious that he's on less as I can see the stress in his face about paying. And I read a lot about how it's normal for higher earners to pay more... But I've paid more for 10 years.

YABU - you should pay more, he earns less
YANBU - your setup is fair and 50/50 is reasonable

If he is going to own the house 50/50, then he should pay for it as such. I would also say bills should be split 50/50 as both of you are using those services.

It could work if they both put the same amount into a joint account for all household bills including mortgage, utilities, shared subscriptions, food and general household items.

They should then each put the same amount each into a savings account to pay for routine essential repairs and maintenance on the house.

They should have their own separate accounts for personal purchases, personal subscriptions, phones, clothing, family gifts, etc. and anything left over is their own to save or spend how they like.

They can then decide who pays for a holiday or a new sofa or whatever, with the person with more cash available paying a larger share.

That is how you can do 50/50 sensibly.

I think the problem is that the word "partner" got lifted over from the gay community. Its kind of a form of appropriation IMO. Partner used to be used in gay communities as the word for lifelong, long-term partnerships where marriage was not an option.
Then the straight community coopted it and IMO misuse it. Generally boyfriend/girlfriend is what is actually meant by partner these days.

Oooooh, I hate that expression "bring to the table" in dating! Triggered, lol! It's SO transactional.

I bring to the table my company, and if that's not enough, they can sod off!

this.
similar arrangement with my DP, no kids or plans to. Together 7 years, living together 4. We are tenants in common for the property and as I paid a large % of the deposit and own that %, I pay the same % of the mortgage and of property maintenance and improvements. I earn double DP, but pay more than double for the shared home (and my ownership share is more than double). We split utilities, food 50/50 because DP uses equal (if not more) of these, and I refuse to subsidise their long hot shower habit or keep them in artisanal coffee beans any more than I already do!! I was desperate for DPet and pay 90% of their costs. Neither of us are short, but sometimes I do feel a bit of a jolt when I realise I’m paying thousands more for eg plastering. But taking into account differential spending on housing and pet costs, we are left with relatively similar amounts, though i tend to pay for more weekends away and buy new clothes kore frequently. he is welcome and very able to find himself a more lucrative job (he could easily retrain in a year and work his way up in my field!) but he values his artistic side hustle and his flexible low-demand office job which allows him to do it alongside. I also feel DP benefits from living in a nicer house then they’d be able to afford with another partner earning the same as them- DP’s side hustle is the reason we upsized- so they can have a home office which allows them to make an extra. £4k per year. That’s only possible because my salary and deposit allowed us to buy a bigger home. I’d have happily stayed in our smaller house where we both had lots of surplus….
BUT before we moved, we had a huge spreadsheet to calculate affordability and tweaked the ownership proportions until it came up with a figure that worked for us both. So in practice, we live as if we’re paying proportionally to income (and have wills leaving everything to each other), but if we split I’d take away more (in line with what I’ve paid in). We both feel this setup is fair.

That changes my opinion, you made it sound like you are a high earner earning much more than your DP. In your situation I think 50/50 is fair, but if there’s bigger expenses you both want like a holiday or big house things for example then you pay proportionally to income.