AIBU to expect 50 50 house costs with lower earning partner?

[TheSnappyHelper]

Been with partner 10 years. No kids, not married, no plans to be. But we are long-term partners and are both planning that this is hopefully the partner for life.

I am higher earner and self employed. Used to be on significantly more, now on a pretty average salary due to industry changes.

He has always been on a lower amount. He was pursuing art things (and doing quite well) and freelancing in odd jobs. For various reasons, he is not suited to an office career job (he tried).

I got on the property ladder (all my own hard work, no help from parents). I recently sold, and made a reasonable amount of money. He paid me a token amount while we lived there. (Lower than market rent). Me and my partner have now bought a house together.

Now we are both on the deeds. He is working a minimum wage job again. (He works bloody hard. He is a grafter.) He does have plans to improve his income (but it doesn't always work out).

How much should we each pay? We agreed 50/50 towards all house bills and house improvements. (Because otherwise, I would feel resentful given I have reduced my own investment to help him get on the property ladder and I want to protect myself in case we break up one day).

But, I feel guilty every time I bring up money stuff, and conscious that he's on less as I can see the stress in his face about paying. And I read a lot about how it's normal for higher earners to pay more... But I've paid more for 10 years.

YABU - you should pay more, he earns less
YANBU - your setup is fair and 50/50 is reasonable

It would have made more sense to discuss this before buying a house with him.

Why on earth would you give up your financial independence and security and buy together with someone who you don't trust and are not compatible with and who pisses about financially.

Buying a house with a man who didn't even save his own deposit was never going to go well. I'd stick to the 50/50 agreement and let him increase his earnings (or not).

I agree but I would never have bought with my partner in these circumstances.

split mortgage 50:50 and split everything else percentage wise. Perhaps excluding your savings if you save monthly

Given what you've said about the house, he needs to be paying 50% of the mortgage & any maintenance and renovation costs if he wants 50% of the equity. Otherwise you should change the agreement to reflect that any equity that comes back on a sale is proportional to actual contributions to the house.

And make sure you have it all legally tied up in writing in a deed of trust and that you're tenants in common, not joint.

Re bills - 50% is fair as he's another adult and using half of it, or proportionate to income is also fair. There isn't really a right or wrong, but in the circumstances and where you're already feeling resentful of his lower contribution, then 50/50 seems reasonable - and if that's making him feel that he has to work harder to be able to contribute his part, that's probably a positive.

I don't really believe that adults are entitled to other, higher paying adults subsidising their basic living costs unless there are good reasons for it, such as one partner having mutually agreed time out to care for children.

My husband pays more towards our mortgage and bills because he earns more. It just makes sense to us both. I don’t see how it can be ‘fair’ otherwise, as one would have more to spend than the other. I’d struggle if he made me pay the same. He does have more savings, but then when we buy something he pays more.

Other option is he pays lower percentage of mortgage and make a written agreement that the equity is split the same

So if he pays 20% he gets 20% of the equity after you both receive your deposits back.

No - if I'm honest we haven't done any maths to see what 50/50 would work out as. But since the mortgage payment is a lot cheaper than renting would be, I presumed that would be okay.

I actually think it probably IS still affordable for him once we are just paying for those things, it's just that at the moment there are extra costs to do with moving and house (repairs, fridge, van hire, storage etc).

We said 50/50 for all house costs (because in the previous place I purchased literally everything - sofa, wardrobes, moving van etc etc) so I have already contributed a lot of stuff that he won't need to buy himself.

We are both late 30s.

I am fairly factual and straightforward person - I know I can come across as blunt but that's now how I am towards him. We will not be breaking up (any time soon anyway - I adore him).

He's not lazy. I do more probably on balance (both DIY and general chores). But he does a fair amount.

Then if that's legally noted and you have a joint Tenants in Common mortgage, then you need to pay 50/50 of the monthly dues. If you get married you may choose to change it but until that time, 50/50 as he is already getting the significant advantage of a much lower mortgage because of your larger deposit. Had you kept that money in a savings account, you would have been getting the interest not him and he would be paying much more on the mortgage, if indeed he could have afforded it without you. What you are doing sounds fair to me.

If you aren't married and he wants 50/50 on any sale (minus your different deposits) he needs to pay 50/50. If he can't he needs to get less on any sale and have this in writing.

but what about if his salary is lower because he's pissed around for years...? He had a lovely quiet time whilst I was knackering myself working.

but that’s who you chose to buy a house with, spend the last 10 years of your life with… I would also say that spending the same proportion of your salary seems fair.

Have you found a solution how you’d manage if you were to break up? I’m presuming 50/50? That would obviously speak for 50/50 contributions. But I don’t think I’d feel comfortable with that in your situation…

I would have liked to see how people would respond if you had been a bloke @TheSnappyHelper . You have already ringfenced your deposit so if you pay proportionally to your earnings for bills and mortgage that would be fair. Otherwise it's not a partnership- just roommates.

It is absolutely batshit to have bought a house, agreed 50/50 prior to purchase, and neither of you did any sums to see if he could afford 50/50.

His threats to make me leave are literally just if I ask him to help with something, or express any unhappiness. He's even told our child that this is his house, not mine because he pays for it. I will be leaving one day. I hate him.

Op do you each have the same amount of ‘spending’ money each month after bills and savings? Neither partner should be compromised by the agreement if you really want to be equal partners.

No, if he is getting 50% of the equity, he needs to pay 50% of the mortgage.

YANBU. There is no reason for an adult to be subsidising another adult. Especially if not married and no kids.

I agree with the proportion option

my mum and step dad do this - she earned more originally - 2/3rds of earnings into a joint account and the other 1/3rd in your own account.

Its not like he’s holding back - 50-50 means he’s skint and you have spends - which isn’t very equal and just because he’s male doesn’t make it fair

you moved and purchased a house together knowing all this - why is it now an issue

They are not married.

You pay in proportion to your salary. How would you feel if the roles were reversed?I see posts of women in these situations all the time. Husband/partner higher earner insists household bills should be 50/50living the life of riley. While wife/partner has very little to live on.

Personally through my own experience
when we bought I gad own house he rented
new House was 160k, I put down 80k (my whole half) he got mortgage for 80k
There was always an argument somewhere about the mortgage from him because he gad to pay it alone & bills and I just bills
He couldn’t see tgst he got a lower % rate because of the large deposit, nor could he see he used my name on the mortgage to allow for 80k mortgage. When I said ok I’ll pay half tge mortgage but that means I owe 75% and you 25% he didn’t want that either
He couldn’t get his head around it, and I’d argue till I was blue in the face

It will never be 50/50 because of your larger deposit (doesn’t matter if you’ve ringed fenced it)
Even after mortgage is paid off you and your still together , you will still theoretically own more % because off your larger deposit .
If your thinking as you are now , this will eat you up.

what you should of done was put in exactly the same deposit as him 7%, kept the rest of your money to use as mortgage/bills each month without going into your salary
This way it’s a 50/50 equal House share

U know it’s too late now it’s been bought, it would of saved resentment, arguments etc

This!!!

I hope you can get away as soon as possible @Selfishman. Benefits are pretty good really in this country and they are exactly for people like you and your child.

YANBU
50/50 is an equal division of household bills. Just because you earn more doesn't mean that you have a duty to subsidise your partner.
You both use the home equally, you pay equally.

Why not do the mortgage split based on the deposit amounts you’ve put in? So you: 45+22% and him 7+22.5 or whatever it amounts to - otherwise he is paying to your bit of the house value. Then all the other bills 50-50.