AIBU to expect 50 50 house costs with lower earning partner?

[TheSnappyHelper]

Been with partner 10 years. No kids, not married, no plans to be. But we are long-term partners and are both planning that this is hopefully the partner for life.

I am higher earner and self employed. Used to be on significantly more, now on a pretty average salary due to industry changes.

He has always been on a lower amount. He was pursuing art things (and doing quite well) and freelancing in odd jobs. For various reasons, he is not suited to an office career job (he tried).

I got on the property ladder (all my own hard work, no help from parents). I recently sold, and made a reasonable amount of money. He paid me a token amount while we lived there. (Lower than market rent). Me and my partner have now bought a house together.

Now we are both on the deeds. He is working a minimum wage job again. (He works bloody hard. He is a grafter.) He does have plans to improve his income (but it doesn't always work out).

How much should we each pay? We agreed 50/50 towards all house bills and house improvements. (Because otherwise, I would feel resentful given I have reduced my own investment to help him get on the property ladder and I want to protect myself in case we break up one day).

But, I feel guilty every time I bring up money stuff, and conscious that he's on less as I can see the stress in his face about paying. And I read a lot about how it's normal for higher earners to pay more... But I've paid more for 10 years.

YABU - you should pay more, he earns less
YANBU - your setup is fair and 50/50 is reasonable

You also need to take into account that as a self employed person, your self employed stamp does not entitle you to certain benefits which your partner will get if he needs to claim so on the face of it you may have a better cash income, his benefits (pension, insurance, potential state benefits including pension) means he has a deferred income you do not have including maternity benefits etc. So if your £45K after you have taken into account payments to cover this? If not, your income is lower than you are stating in practical terms.

In which case I think the only sensible thing is to stick with 50/50. The other way is to split the mortgage payment into what you can both manage and then get that legally tied up so if you do split the amounts you get out of the house is fair.

I think that there are a few things here. You're not married and therefore I don't think it's sensible to pool all money. But also, how did you agree what would be manageable in terms of mortgage costs?

@PrettyPickle no I have not taken any of that into account. 45K is the return I file and therefore pay tax on. (Actually, it's less than that, but I'm aiming for 45K this year).

If he's your life partner then does it really matter? Why not just share money?

Even when I was out of work for two years due to having cancer and my only source of income was social welfare all bills were 50/50 with my partner and me. I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

Then you aren't the higher earner. Your Net income is £45K, when you factor in NI, insurance (Keyman and life insurance. pension, income replacement because he will get sick pay etc that you do not) you are likely only marginally higher than you partner. 50/50 on mortgage and bills undoubtably. Also do you oay yourself holiday pay....all these things count.

No, don't make it small. You need to catch up with the years you have not been paying in. Put in as much as you can that would leave you with the same take home pay as him. Then split all bills 50/50. This is totally fair.

But he'll need to set up also self-employed and build a business because he just can't function in an office/boss environment, so that will take time and be precarious.

This is extremely concerning and you should absolutely not agree to it. He would not only have no wage coming in but he would also need to borrow to invest in a business. This will bankrupt you.

Him not being able to function with a boss is a red flag. Honestly, the more you describe it the worse it gets. It hasn't been a problem so far because you had the means to subsidise him but without that the cracks are starting to show.

Because life partners split up.

OP is not paying herself a pension, she has no sick pay or maternity cover and she is not putting money away to cover any of these costs. Instead she is using it fund his lifestyle.

If they split up, she would not thank people who advised her to spend her excess funds on him instead of making financial future provision for herself. This is very short sighted.

Because they're not married.

@PrettyPickle Then you aren't the higher earner. Your Net income is £45K, when you factor in NI, insurance (Keyman and life insurance. pension, income replacement because he will get sick pay etc that you do not) you are likely only marginally higher than you partner. 50/50 on mortgage and bills undoubtably. Also do you oay yourself holiday pay....all these things count.

Weird comment. She said the earnings were along the lines of 45k vs 25k.

Someone who earns 25k also pays NI and tax. It will be proportionally less, but it's not as if paying NI and tax makes 45k magically less than 25k.

Pension has got nothing to do with reduced earnings. A pension is literally just a savings pot for the future.

For the overwhelming majority of people, taking sick days is very rare.

You are kidding yourself if you think 45k only pays marginally higher than 25k.

It never seemed to be the priority with emergency plumbers, car going wrong, etc. I think also because I was always paying more for us as a couple, I felt the burden of having cash available for life (and if I paid into the pension too I would have had NOTHING spare for anything nice).

You do realise that this is the same for most of us. You have to consider your pension contribution as an essential bill and the earlier you start, the more affordable it is.

Stop paying more as a couple, contribute the same as he does and cut your cloth accordingly. Yes, you might not be able to afford holidays or luxuries for a while but we all have to go through that as we get established in life.

25k take home is very different to 25k before tax.

25k take home also comes with 6 weeks paid holiday, a pension, sick pay and a myriad of other protections that you don't have when you're self employed.

I don’t agree with the idea that all money in a relationship should automatically be pooled. In some situations, especially if you're not married, that can leave one person financially vulnerable if the relationship breaks down.

If you’ve both agreed on a 50/50 split and it’s affordable for him, then that seems fair. I’m assuming he earns enough to comfortably cover the mortgage payments, which are likely still cheaper than renting elsewhere - something that’s only possible for him because of your situation together.

If you do end up contributing more financially, I’d make sure that’s formally recorded in your agreement relating to the house. That way, if the property were ever sold, your larger contribution would be reflected in the share of the sale.

Despite being together for 10 years, you are totally misaligned. Two people can have different earnings but be on the same page financially - you are not. Buying a house together and combining your finances when you are so far apart on this, was never going to end well.

Buying a house together probably wasn't the best idea. If it wasn't already done I'd be advising you to reconsider. 50/50 is for co-tenants, not partners. It comes across in your posts like you already resent him for earning less than you. If you wanted someone who could match your income then you shouldn't have bought a house with someone who didn't.

@tiramisugelato 25k take home is very different to 25k before tax.

She said "think 45k vs 25k," so presumably those are both pre-tax salaries.

It would be a bit strange for anyone to list one pre-tax salary and one post-tax salary when detailing a comparison... as obviously, that wouldn't be much of a comparison then...

25k take home also comes with 6 weeks paid holiday, a pension, sick pay and a myriad of other protections that you don't have when you're self employed.

A self-employed person can also take holidays. Did OP say her 45k (approx) income is without taking any holidays during the full year?

Self-employed people can also open a pension. The part that's missing though is that a self-employed person does not receive an employer contribution (though that can be as low as 3% in some companies).

Income protection insurance helps with the sick pay bit.

Arguably not a life partner then?

The definition of a 'life partner' is you're in it for life... therefore stuff like this is immaterial. If you're using terms like 'life partner' then you are as good as married.

Otherwise - if you're considering you might break up - then he's just a partner - so call him that.

50/50. You aren’t a charity and if the relationship fails, he’ll demand his half I’ll bet. I was that lower earner and altho OH put the deposit down, everything else was 50/50.

If he is your life partner you should work bills out so that you both have the same amount of disposable left each month

Yes, the concept of a life partner doesn't really exist as people can separate whether they are married or not.

Regardless of how much you each earn, can your dp afford 50:50? What % of his net income does it take up? Can he afford his car loan, food, transport etc.

If he can I think it's fair.

I agree with this & it always baffles me that people want the benefits / protections of marriage without being married!

This 100%. And proportional from take home pay, not gross pay

You shoukd have bought the house as tenants in common, each owning an affordable percentage rather than joint tenants owning 50/50. This would have represented what you each could afford.

My husband spent most of his university life gaming when he should have been studying and ended up with a diploma instead of a degree. In addition to my degree I also spent my evenings and weekends studying to be an accountant. Needless to say I earn more a lot more than him. He made choices that paved his financial future and I will not be subsidising him. We split everything 50:50