“You’re not going on your own” - caring or controlling? AIBU?

[Samuelthespaniel]

My husband and I had words over the possibility of a solo trip (it was just an idea) yesterday and I think he may be the unreasonable party but I thought I’d ask in case I am genuinely missing something important here.

For context, married 4 years, no kids. Basically I brought up the idea of a city break I’d like to go on. We normally travel together with the exception of when I go on weekend trips with a friend or family or for work (which so far has only involved flying to a neighbouring country where I have family).

When I first mentioned it yesterday he essentially said “off with you” but his reaction later makes me think that this earlier comment was said because he thought I was joking. DH has no holidays left to take this year, I can WFH. I was considering doing a 3-4 night stay in this city and doing all of the things that I wouldn’t like to bore him with when we travel together eg taking myself off for a facial, some activities (think craft type things, etc). Great, I thought. I can WFH from the hotel and afterwards check out the landmarks, some shopping, etc. it would be my first solo trip in the sense that it would be the first time I’ve travelled alone purely for leisure for that amount of time, but I was looking forward to it and thought it would actually be good for my personal development.

Spoke about it again last night as I told DH about things that I don’t think he’d particularly enjoy doing that I was looking at doing in the city, and he said yeah but you’d need someone to watch your back there. I said I’m sure it would be fine, it’s a relatively safe city by any standard. He said “I’m not restricting you, you just can’t go on your own. Why don’t you wait til next year and see if (name of friend) can go with you. I said it’s not really the point, my friend might not want to go and I was particularly enjoying the prospect of going by myself. I

said I don’t see what it’s really got to do with you (perhaps this was wrong in hindsight). He said we’re married, we do everything together, to which I said that plenty of married people solo travel and he said “I don’t care, I don’t have to worry about them”. I said well ultimately it’s my choice and I have autonomy over my own actions.

He said that if I ignore his feelings then he’ll remember this for again and that we’ll have a big problem when I get back and that’s all he’s going to say, and that it’s not a threat. I replied by saying it does sound like a bit of a threat really. He said he didn’t want to hear anything else from me for the rest of the night, which also felt a bit patronising and like I was being chastised.

I should also mention that at some point in the conversation he asked why I needed to go away so often and I already go away 3-4 times a year with him and what’s the rush and do I want to just take a year out and travel or something and if that’s the case go off and do it (although I don’t see how that would be fine by him but a 3-4 city break isn’t, but anyway). I said that no, I don’t want to take a year out to go travelling and I’m perfectly happy with my life the way it is, but he said the signs are there that I want to be away all the time. I do like to go away, but it’s not to escape anything as such, I really do just like to see new places and thought it would be a good opportunity. I mean, I don’t question why he goes to the gym 3-4 times per week. I don’t feel like it’s any of my business. But I think I should be allowed to explore my hobbies as well.

Sorry this was so long! But does anyone have any experience of this? Did you go anyway? Did you decide against it?

You vetoed Amsterdam for him on the grounds of 'safety' and him 'choking on his own vomit and hitting his head.'

So I think you lost the argument before it even began - at least from his perspective.

Either way, I don't think adults get to veto holiday destinations on the ground of safety - a competent adult is more than capable (I would hope) of deciding whether or not they go on holiday somewhere. Even if that holiday is to Kabul.

@Babybirdmum

like what? What wouldn’t you want your husband to do and tell him that?

so he was in his 20s going out with a teenager? And dealing with it badly when said teen went off to university to gain a bit of independence? No, 5 years isn't a big age gap in general but at that point in your life it is definitely a difference in stages. For me that's also a red flag.

You sound like a smart and resourceful person. I wonder if as you get older and there's less of a difference in life stages, your partner is starting to reach for other ways to maintain the authority he might have had when you were a teen and he was maybe already a graduate, or in a career. It might be the dynamic between you is changing and he is panicking and trying to wield control in a clumsy and harmful way.

He might just have poor emotional literacy and need to build better skills to process and communicate this stuff; he might be a dyed-in-the-wool narcissist and a bully. I have no idea. But whether or not it's intentional, his current behaviour is controlling and that is abusive. Like he really might not be an awful person but that's not to say he doesn't need to work on himself. His response at the moment right now is misjudged at best. Be careful, OP, and keep hold of your worth.

Reading the posts here, thanks everyone, just to clarify, there was no actual tangible trip to Amsterdam, this was a hypothetical and no I didn’t issue any ultimatum )although DH knows I am quite anti-drug personally) it was thrown out as a suggestion that one of the guys might have a stag in there and my response was essentially no chance , I know what state everyone would be in, which looking back wasn’t right either, I suppose the only edge I have is that I know what groups of lads do in Amsterdam and that my husband has form for throwing up and I can only imagine that it would be exacerbated if the booze was mixed with the other stuff and how typical lad culture everyone eggs eachother on. He said himself to my brother only the other day that it’s not a place he’d go with the guys as it would be too messy so I know what the expectation would be. But again I know that this can happen anywhere.But the difference is I wouldn’t say there would be consequences if he decided to go.

I can’t imagine him having the same concerns about me, he knows that when I go away with my friend we’re very similar and it’s usually dinner and a glass or two of wine and then back to our hotel, and without trying to be sexist, I think women tend to look out for eachother a bit more, and if solo I would naturally drink less so as not to have my inhibitions lowered.

But I think what surprised was how adamant he was at first yesterday (and not in a light hearted way like when I said no chance) that me not going was a non negotiable to him (emphasis on to him, I at my ripe age of my late 20s feel a bit too long in the tooth to be curbed). If there was an actual guys trip to Amsterdam happening and the logistics/activities were discussed then I think that would be a bit different and I’d want to know more about it and express any safety concerns first before instead of saying there would be consequences if he went.

PS - I've been on solo trips while in a relationship, but pre kids. I love a little solo break. So restorative!

I know that even now we have young kids, my partner would support me in doing it again, if we had the money for it. IMO what you're asking for is not at all unreasonable.

If you can afford it then fair enough. I meant I'd be frustrated if long term projects were delayed, due to possible savings being spent on yet another holiday (when there had already been several that year). Or if there was an imbalance with the other half spending overwhelmingly more on solo holidays excursions that I had spent.

If money is not a factor then ok, but again it's a two way street. OP doeasn't get to 'no way' potential DH trips anymore than DH gets to 'we'll have big problen' to OP.

The majority of responses will be slightly skewed as OP drip fed her controlling behaviour until further into the thread which will bypass the majority of posters initial responses.

I couldn't be in a relationship like that!

That sounds like a pretty good speech to me. You can’t live with someone who gets to decide what you can and can’t do and thinks it’s ok to impose “consequences” if you disobey him. The consequence of his behaviour would for me be drawing the conclusion that we aren’t well suited, and unless he can get to grips with a 21st century marriage immediately, ending the relationship.

Also just to confirm, I was an adult when we met and started dating. 18 but an adult all the same.

I would not like his behaviour and him thinking I’m not capable of risk assessing “little woman” needing a chaperone!

But you’re “no way” to Amsterdam because he might get drunk and hit his head is crazy! Getting pissed in London, wouldn’t end the same??

utterly ridiculous. I regularly travel abroad alone and love it. Sitting in the sun by the pool with several books or exploring new places. Went to asia alone last year for my birthday. no way could I be with a man who forbade me from going away alone.

Your DH is a control freak. Probably scared of you meeting someone else

Again that sounds controlling on your part, that he would need to run a list of logistics and activities past you.

My DH is completely antidrug. Can't stand the smell of weed and always clocks it in town centres and expresses disgust. He went on a lads trip to Amsterdam a few years ago. No interest in weed cafes but others on the trip did. There were a lot of mixed activities (i.e. half in weed cafe, others not, all beer tour at Heineken etc).

Perhaps this is the logisitics you're talking about but your DH has no reason to run them past you. You either trust his behaviour or you don't.

If you can afford it then fair enough. I meant I'd be frustrated if long term projects were delayed, due to possible savings being spent on yet another holiday (when there had already been several that year). Or if there was an imbalance with the other half spending overwhelmingly more on solo holidays excursions that I had spent.

I see what you mean.
I spend a lot of money on travel. It is my biggest expense. Apart from a couple of nights away DH hasn't been on a holiday since January 2025.
However that doesn't mean there is an imbalance. He spends a bloody fortune on cars, doing them up and reselling as his hobby and loves doing it. For him to go on holiday is taking him away from his passion. Fortunately we 'get' each other!

Well perhaps it’s not expected but if I went on a city break I would definitely update DH on my plans for the day and if I went on a hen I’m sure it would come up in conversation the activities that are planned.

How does that boot taste?

I work for myself and this week have taken a flight during 'work hours', worked from the airport, worked from the hotel bar and hotel room.

I have also previously worked at companies who have a specific 'work from anywhere policy' and who actively encourage employees to use it- when I was there I would work from the hotel room- then the second it was 5pm I could log off and have a cocktail in hand by 5.03pm. It's a fantastic benefit and I wish more jobs would offer it.

It may well come up in conversation, but you wanted an upfront schedule for you to consider the safety consequences, like he’s unable to consider them himself??

Totally controlling!

Oh. There you go then. He's sulking and has had this Amsterdam thing in his back pocket to use as a reason to sulk. Mystery solved

So where are you going@Samuelthespaniel because of course no-one skiver while being tempted by a swimming pool under their apartment. Come on.

I think your reasoning and what you said to him re Amsterdam was bloody daft and he clearly resents you and wants to punish you for it.

I wouldn't be happy with DH going to Amsterdam on a Stag Do with some of his mates. Others I'd be fine with. Not because of his behaviour, but because of his mates behaviour and how he'd end up having to baby sit them for being bloody irresponsible which would put him at risk. It really would depend on who he was planning to go with. But we'd have an adult conversation about it on those terms.

We have both been abroad before by ourselves and encourage each other to do so if the opportunity arises. So he knows this too.

Tbh it sounds like you both don't really trust each other and although apparently he's said he was ok about Amsterdam I wonder if he actually really would have liked to go and is just saying x, y and z to keep in with other social circles expectations.

His ultimatum, punishment over Amsterdam, and his sulking subsequently and the fact you don't appear to have come up with a particularly argument for saying no to Amsterdam strikes me that you have really poor communication between you and that over time is unlikely to improve unless you both acknowledge it and tackle it head on.

'He said he didn’t want to hear anything else from me for the rest of the night,'

Uhm this is the worst part of a sorry story. The rest of his questionable behaviour aside, what the hell is this way to speak to you? He doesn't respect you at all. awful man.

Despite me having gone on few solo trips after being married and all this, your husband does not sound controlling to me but caring and protective...are you quite nice and pretty and he might be worried for unwanted male attention from others when you're abroad or being followed back to your hotel ...that sort of thing

No, I don't see that part of him being abusively dismissive....the man sounds a bit ND ....they cannot take long chats over tension topics too well

I think if you genuinely thought he would get involved in “unsavoury” activities in Amsterdam, you’ve got a problem in your relationship before this even started.

Now he’s engaging in “tit for tat” attempts to veto a trip that’s not really like for like, but it just underlines that this relationship isn’t in a good place.

So he gets to forbid her from going, does he? I wonder what all the folk on here think about the thousands of female students going to study abroad as part of language degrees every year. I moved out to France and Spain for 6 months each, completely on my own, renting a flat on my own, knowing nobody (you can just go abroad and register - this wasn't a managed exchange scheme). Yes you do get male attention but if I could deal with it age 20 then I'm sure late-20s well-travelled OP can.

I've been married 16 years and neither of us have ever had to ask permission for a trip away. I've never been away on my own (other than on work trips I guess) nor has he but I think that the vibe that he's saying you're not allowed to go until he is able to go with you or a friend sounds controlling.

We have 3 kids and married fairly young. Of course we let each other know about trips and when the kids were younger made sure there were no clashes but neither of us have ever stopped the other from anything because we trust each other. We have nice times together but we also have nice times separately.

Where are you going?