“You’re not going on your own” - caring or controlling? AIBU?

[Samuelthespaniel]

My husband and I had words over the possibility of a solo trip (it was just an idea) yesterday and I think he may be the unreasonable party but I thought I’d ask in case I am genuinely missing something important here.

For context, married 4 years, no kids. Basically I brought up the idea of a city break I’d like to go on. We normally travel together with the exception of when I go on weekend trips with a friend or family or for work (which so far has only involved flying to a neighbouring country where I have family).

When I first mentioned it yesterday he essentially said “off with you” but his reaction later makes me think that this earlier comment was said because he thought I was joking. DH has no holidays left to take this year, I can WFH. I was considering doing a 3-4 night stay in this city and doing all of the things that I wouldn’t like to bore him with when we travel together eg taking myself off for a facial, some activities (think craft type things, etc). Great, I thought. I can WFH from the hotel and afterwards check out the landmarks, some shopping, etc. it would be my first solo trip in the sense that it would be the first time I’ve travelled alone purely for leisure for that amount of time, but I was looking forward to it and thought it would actually be good for my personal development.

Spoke about it again last night as I told DH about things that I don’t think he’d particularly enjoy doing that I was looking at doing in the city, and he said yeah but you’d need someone to watch your back there. I said I’m sure it would be fine, it’s a relatively safe city by any standard. He said “I’m not restricting you, you just can’t go on your own. Why don’t you wait til next year and see if (name of friend) can go with you. I said it’s not really the point, my friend might not want to go and I was particularly enjoying the prospect of going by myself. I

said I don’t see what it’s really got to do with you (perhaps this was wrong in hindsight). He said we’re married, we do everything together, to which I said that plenty of married people solo travel and he said “I don’t care, I don’t have to worry about them”. I said well ultimately it’s my choice and I have autonomy over my own actions.

He said that if I ignore his feelings then he’ll remember this for again and that we’ll have a big problem when I get back and that’s all he’s going to say, and that it’s not a threat. I replied by saying it does sound like a bit of a threat really. He said he didn’t want to hear anything else from me for the rest of the night, which also felt a bit patronising and like I was being chastised.

I should also mention that at some point in the conversation he asked why I needed to go away so often and I already go away 3-4 times a year with him and what’s the rush and do I want to just take a year out and travel or something and if that’s the case go off and do it (although I don’t see how that would be fine by him but a 3-4 city break isn’t, but anyway). I said that no, I don’t want to take a year out to go travelling and I’m perfectly happy with my life the way it is, but he said the signs are there that I want to be away all the time. I do like to go away, but it’s not to escape anything as such, I really do just like to see new places and thought it would be a good opportunity. I mean, I don’t question why he goes to the gym 3-4 times per week. I don’t feel like it’s any of my business. But I think I should be allowed to explore my hobbies as well.

Sorry this was so long! But does anyone have any experience of this? Did you go anyway? Did you decide against it?

I’m going to provide a bit of balance here.
I think you wanting to go is valid.
I also think him not wanting you to go is valid.
I don’t like the choice of words he used, it comes across patronising.
However, there are certain trips I wouldn’t want my husband to go on either and maybe vice versa.
it sounds like your husband is normally cool with you going away without him which is his green flag.
Id ask him how much of a dealbreaker it is if you go, it sounds like it could be but at this point you will have to decide if it’s worth it. If everything is a dealbreaker he might be controlling but if this is rare that he doesn’t want you to do something it seems quite normal to me, like I said there’s some things I wouldn’t like my husband doing and I would tell him.

She saved that nougat for the drip feed!

So when you went to uni at age 18 he was a 23 year old who was hounding you for contact?? How old were you when you started dating? 5 years for adults is nothing but if one of you is barely out of childhood it’s very suspicious.

He sounds very controlling OP 🚩

Nougat?! 🤣

Ignore the posts that tell you to end things with him. Ignore any of the advice. It's totally up to you what you do. You know him. If you go and things change between you, that's life.

OP, he seems to think you are a child. I was surprised to hear that you are unsure whether he is being unreasonable as it seems obvious to me that he is being both unreasonable and threatening. I think you should go. Life is short and you have no reason not to explore everything, unknown cities and beyond. Don't indulge him in negotiating about this: where would it end? I think your plan sounds marvellous and whilst I don't solo travel very much these days I did it plenty in my twenties and thirties, without disaster, and it has made me who I am in many ways. I really hope you go and the perspective you get from it makes you reflect on how you want your life to be in future in terms of marital limitations. Bon voyage, OP.

Tbf it's OP that has been controlling. She said 'No way' to DH trip. What is 'no way' mean if not controlling behaviour? Sounds like OP isn't going to let DH boss her around.

So objectively DH is trying (unsuccessfully) to be controlling but OP herself has actively demonstrested controlling behaviour towards DH when the roles are reversed, so I think OP is getting a rather easy time from posters.

I would be interested to hear how many posters would actually be ok with their partner/DH disappearing on a solo holiday? I suspect not many (parental responsibilities aside).

*nugget. 🤭

Cool wives though innit.

Why? Don't you trust him?
I love going on mini city breaks by myself.

it sounds like your husband is normally cool with you going away without him which is his green flag

Only if there's somebody with her by the sounds of it.

100% controlling. He said he's not going to prevent you, but by gum, he's going to make your life a misery when you get back.

I did not marry him to spend amazing city breaks apart from him. I want to share not only the drudgery of daily chores with him, but build some nice experiences too. If he suggested to me he was wanting to go on his own, he would have demonstrated that our bond was gone.

I travel a lot with work, we don't have enough time together, I think.

What city are you planning to go to @Samuelthespaniel? I think it would add some all important context - if you're planning to go to Tijuana, Mexico or Port-au-Prince, Haiti by yourself then it would put a completely different spin on his reaction compared to if you're planning to go to Brussels for the weekend.

He reminds me of my Dad OP - I told him I was going to Poland by myself for a few days and he hit the absolute roof. I used to solo travel abroad a fair bit in my early 20's and it got to a point where he eventually asked me to just not tell him I was going because otherwise he'd 'just worry'.

My Mum would also worry but didn't get mad, she'd ask for the details of the hotel I was staying in and to stay in regular contact with her. Whereas my Dad's 'worrying' involved shouting, stamping his feet and then burying his head in the sand - not much has changed!

Being worried is not unreasonable. Asking you to take reasonable, sensible precautions is not unreasonable. Asking you to contact him daily while you're away is not unreasonable. Outright forbidding you, an adult, to do anything is unreasonable.

Well, it wouldn’t really. If the husband sat down with her and started a sensible conversation about the possible safety issues in certain places, yes; but what he’s actually doing is manipulating and threatening her.

Agreed - you're still an individual and you should do things on your own.

My mum had a friend whose husband went to the lengths of sitting outside the loo while she was in there at a friend's party! Now if that isn't' controlling...I suppose she should be grateful he didn't insist on going in with her.

I've never gone away without my husband to a hotel but I've gone to stay with friends without him.

I suspect so.

Let's be honest loads of poeple enjoy new foreign places, city breaks etc. I'd be frustrated if DH, on top of 3-4 holidays with me each year, and several excursions with friends wanted to also go on several solo holidays.

It doesn't matter if you're not using up annual leave, you'll be forking out for several meals a day on top of sightseeing, souvenirs etc.

Unless you earn an absolute mint I think it shows a level of immaturity and lack of forward planning. "Live like there's no tomorrow" Well the problem is in most cases there is a tomorrow but you've p**sed away valuable savings.

I think that both of you should indeed run ideas like this break and Amsterdam past each other, to check there's no date clashes, financial concerns etc.

But I think both of you either can veto the other person's plans or not. There's a big difference between saying "these are my concerns, but I trust you and you can choose" vs "I forbid you from going and if you do I'll guilt trip you / punish you in some way". I don't think it's fair to say no to Amsterdam if you take umbrage at him doing similar.

Why not apologise for vetoing Amsterdam, and compromise by going alone this time to a different city that's safer, and discuss going forwards whether you get to veto or not. Ultimately surely the goal is for you both to find a solution together you're happy with going forward, rather than either of you forcing your way.

I don't think there's anything wrong with couples travelling separately. Personally I find giving each other freedom works best for us, but there are certainly places I'd suggest my DH reconsiders if he said he wanted to go to solo. If he had similar concerns I wouldn't dismiss them out of hand - but ultimately I'd make my own decision and he'd be fine with that.

I was on the fence until the threatened you.

Sorry but that would actually potentially be marriage ending for me.

I mean it wasn't OK for you to say "what's it got to do with you?" either. But him threatening to make this an excuse for any bad behaviour from him going forward is manipulative.

I don't keep pouty little children in my life. Certainly not one's that are manipulative. And certainly not as husbands. No way, game over as far as I'm concerned.

I suppose maybe there's wiggle room uf you know it was just an offhand statement and he would never actually follow through. But still, he can't claim he wants yo keep you safe physically when he puts you at risk emotionally. It's hypocrisy.

I agree. You didn't say I've booked, you said you are thinking of booking. The fact he has threatened you with consequences like you are a child not an equal partner in this marriage is not good.
@Samuelthespaniel How does he behave if you go out for an evening with friends locally?

Controlling, gaslighting, manipulative, petty, insecure and emotionally immature. What a catch.

I know you’ve said you’re going @Samuelthespaniel but you need to be prepared for him to ramp up his passive aggressiveness, pettiness, threats framed as concern, gaslighting and if none of that works getting ill the day you are due to go.

Keep your passport somewhere he can’t find it and find a reason to be at a hotel near the airport before you fly, with your phone off.

Once you are away, direct him to friends and family or 111 if his health ‘deteriorates’.

My abusive ex who tracked my phone and vehicle without my knowledge and threatened to kill me if I left him still let me go on a weekend city break by myself... I did come home to the house and absolute bomb site though, granted.

Tell him you're going and he can throw whatever tantrum he wants but you're allowed to do things for yourself and he will only be punishing himself.

I would, and we have. I've taken our preschooler to Morocco and France without him, and he's had a solo holiday focused entirely on war history, which wouldn't have been possible with DC. I'm planning a solo holiday to study French for a week this year and have been on a bird watching trip and spa weekend without him. He's not interested in those things and it'd be silly to waste his annual leave on them. We have great family holidays to places that interest us both.

I'm sure I'd feel differently if he was off alone to the red light district / had a background of drunken lads holidays, and he'd feel differently if I wanted to go alone to Iran, but we're adults, we trust each other and support each other's solo interests.

Let's be honest loads of poeple enjoy new foreign places, city breaks etc. I'd be frustrated if DH, on top of 3-4 holidays with me each year, and several excursions with friends wanted to also go on several solo holidays.

Why would you feel frustrated though if you can afford it?

You have described how my life looks.
I take the view that you never know what's around the corner and would stop me doing things, eg Dh being ill, me becoming disabled etc. So make the most of your life while you can.

Dh's pov is why qould I spend time mooching at home if he is busy at work ( self employed) and working on a project with our sons.
I often get four or five days off in a row, especially over a weekend eg Thur Friday Saturday ( new week on rota) off Monday Tuesday. All my friends work Monday to Friday so why not travel and make the most of my time.