“You’re not going on your own” - caring or controlling? AIBU?

[Samuelthespaniel]

My husband and I had words over the possibility of a solo trip (it was just an idea) yesterday and I think he may be the unreasonable party but I thought I’d ask in case I am genuinely missing something important here.

For context, married 4 years, no kids. Basically I brought up the idea of a city break I’d like to go on. We normally travel together with the exception of when I go on weekend trips with a friend or family or for work (which so far has only involved flying to a neighbouring country where I have family).

When I first mentioned it yesterday he essentially said “off with you” but his reaction later makes me think that this earlier comment was said because he thought I was joking. DH has no holidays left to take this year, I can WFH. I was considering doing a 3-4 night stay in this city and doing all of the things that I wouldn’t like to bore him with when we travel together eg taking myself off for a facial, some activities (think craft type things, etc). Great, I thought. I can WFH from the hotel and afterwards check out the landmarks, some shopping, etc. it would be my first solo trip in the sense that it would be the first time I’ve travelled alone purely for leisure for that amount of time, but I was looking forward to it and thought it would actually be good for my personal development.

Spoke about it again last night as I told DH about things that I don’t think he’d particularly enjoy doing that I was looking at doing in the city, and he said yeah but you’d need someone to watch your back there. I said I’m sure it would be fine, it’s a relatively safe city by any standard. He said “I’m not restricting you, you just can’t go on your own. Why don’t you wait til next year and see if (name of friend) can go with you. I said it’s not really the point, my friend might not want to go and I was particularly enjoying the prospect of going by myself. I

said I don’t see what it’s really got to do with you (perhaps this was wrong in hindsight). He said we’re married, we do everything together, to which I said that plenty of married people solo travel and he said “I don’t care, I don’t have to worry about them”. I said well ultimately it’s my choice and I have autonomy over my own actions.

He said that if I ignore his feelings then he’ll remember this for again and that we’ll have a big problem when I get back and that’s all he’s going to say, and that it’s not a threat. I replied by saying it does sound like a bit of a threat really. He said he didn’t want to hear anything else from me for the rest of the night, which also felt a bit patronising and like I was being chastised.

I should also mention that at some point in the conversation he asked why I needed to go away so often and I already go away 3-4 times a year with him and what’s the rush and do I want to just take a year out and travel or something and if that’s the case go off and do it (although I don’t see how that would be fine by him but a 3-4 city break isn’t, but anyway). I said that no, I don’t want to take a year out to go travelling and I’m perfectly happy with my life the way it is, but he said the signs are there that I want to be away all the time. I do like to go away, but it’s not to escape anything as such, I really do just like to see new places and thought it would be a good opportunity. I mean, I don’t question why he goes to the gym 3-4 times per week. I don’t feel like it’s any of my business. But I think I should be allowed to explore my hobbies as well.

Sorry this was so long! But does anyone have any experience of this? Did you go anyway? Did you decide against it?

How would you feel if you didn't go because of that conversation? If you're likely to feel resentful for not going and he's likely to be more than resentful if you do go I think you have problems..

I think you need to examine your relationship, does this sort of thing happen often, is he very dependent, have you possibly outgrown him.

You do need to discuss with him about why he's so adamant that you shouldn't go without him.

Even if you do go his words of veiled threats will ruin it anyway..
When I got home - a friend collected me from the airport as dh refused - he emptied my case in front of her checking my clothes for signs I had cheated...

Why would you WFH when you’re on a jolly? Would your work permit that?

And yes, your DH’s behaviour is a MASSIVE problem. How very dare he threaten you with sanctions if you go and forbid you from mentioning it again?

‘I understand you are worried but your concerns for my welfare do not take priority over my desire to go if I wish. I am not a child to be told what I may or may not do and be threatened with “consequences” for misbehaviour and told to sit in silence as punishment. If you continue to behave in this controlling manner rather than work with me to address your fears whilst still enabling me to do as I wish, then I can assure you there will be consequences.’

So many red flags. He is trying to restrict you, he is threatening you and he is dismissing you as though you are his subordinate. If you were watching a TV drama and this scene played out on screen would you feel that the woman in the scene was safe….or would you be expecting this to be the start of a story of control and abuse? I know I would feel very uneasy for a woman in that situation.

It would be a huge problem for me personally, travel and exploring other places is very important to me. Before I met DH I'd lived and travelled in different places, and he is very different. But he has always accepted how i am.

Pre kids, I went to Albania by myself in a similar situation to you in terms of leave, did a few days in Tirana and then went into the mountains. It was 100% not his thing i guess but he was happy to hear all about it when i got back. If there'd been a question of 'allowing' or 'threats' i very much doubt we'd still be together.

ETA he is very protective by nature and i WhatsApped him to let him know i was ok each day.

He’s either jealous (doesn’t trust your reasons), controlling, afraid to admit he would miss you, over anxious, or just has a different view as to how things are once married.

Being highly independent myself I must admit that if a man told me he was planning what you are planning I would find it a bit strange. You can get spa / beauty treatments anywhere. So very hypocritical of me, I admit.

More talk to get to the bottom of his reasons maybe? How you see each other as partners and what that means?

But someone coming over all ‘protective’ of me would really irritate me.

There are a lot of red flags here. My husband and I take solo trips every now and then, it's lovely and we always have a lot to talk about once we're back.

Threatening someone and then saying it is not a threat... does not mean it's not a threat.

Are you able to expand on this 'blip' a little more. How often would he contact you when you started uni? Continuous phone calls/texts, threats to harm himself etc? Do you need to 'check in' with him when you go out with friends/family, does he sabotage things by 'feeling unwell' if you do anything without him?

Nope, absolutely not. You don't need a babysitter, you're a grown adult and if you weren't with him you'd be doing all sorts of things on your own.

This would be an absolute red line for me, I've been with my partner 20 years but I am my own person.

@Tallisker she will WFH on holidays so that she doesn't need to take annual leave. A lot of companies do allow it, but usually cap it at around 30 days so that it doesn't impact payroll taxes.

Basically, OP, abusive men dress the control up as 'care' because they know it's hard to push back against someone who only cares about you.

They believe that you would be unreasonable to reject or argue against their care and a lot of women do find it difficult for that reason becaise of course pele wprry on pccasion ablit the people they care about.

But the shutting down of conversation and the threat of a consequence etc is not worry.

It's obviously not the same but it reminds me of an old boyfriend's mum who used to tell me that her son only hit me becaise he loved so much. "If he didn't love you so much, you wouldn't be able to make him that angry! Just don't make him angry."

He's just worried about you because he cares. If he didn't care about you so much, he wouldn't be so worried. Don't do things that make him worry.

If my DH ever spoke to me like that, I'd firstly be very surprised, and then I'd tell him in no uncertain terms that he is not my dad or my boss and he can fuck right off with his threats. No one should ever speak to their partner that way - it shows a total lack of respect and an expectation of obedience, which is a huge problem.

Is he controlling/dominating in other ways?

Well i am all for women acting like the adults they but the endless advice on here is women cant be let loose on theit own

And the low men bar used for everything, personally I say go for it a woman doesn't need to be treated like a little girl its weird

Very controlling. Red flags everywhere

I am married, with 2 young DC. I have often said to DH I would like to do some solo travelling. He says fine, he would be concerned that I am safe but would never try stop me. I haven't gone yet. The last trip I took without him was a hen, but I stayed on for the day after alone and caught the last flight home.

I can understand you DH might be worried. But he does sound a bit controlling, he cannot tell you what you can and cannot do. You will most likely be in a city in Europe, with normal safety precautions like you need to take everywhere it will be fine.

This. 100%

Book the trip, get legal advice re divorce before you go and go and have a great time.

In fact, no. Just get legal advice and divorce the prick. It was a threat 100%. do you want to stay with someone who threatens you if they don't get their own way?

OP do not tolerate this. Ducks in a row time methinks

Is there somehting else gong on with your rleationship.??

I also know that if I said to my husband, I'm taking a long weekend to go to x on my own as I want to do stuff that probably won't interest you. He'd be OK with it and get it.

But I probably wouldn't as I like spending time and travelling with him - and we'd be more likely to go together, do different stuff and meet up later.

He might have been raised by a MNtter, who faints at the idea of letting their children spend a few hours in London even in their 20s so the idea of a lone woman gives him anxiety 😂

Either way, that's not your problem.

Being protective and insisting you spend enough to book a safe hotel and use safe taxis, or worried you would miss going without a friend would be one thing.

hes' being ridiculously controlling, and his threats would be enough to make me not come back.

But he makes it sound like you're going some where like Marrakesh - I wouldn't go solo there (and I've been around!).

Controlling and threatening to boot. I don't take kindly to that shit so I would absolutely do it anyway.

I'd probably lock away valuables and important documents first, just in case he pulls the great petty stuff. But it'll show you exactly what he's capable of before you waste any more time with him.

I think it massively crosses the line from protective to controlling, especially when he threatens you with making it difficult when you return and storing your solo trip for future arguments when things get bad. That is not normal behaviour.

Given your update about how HE didn't cope very well when you went to university, he sounds insecure. Does he want to keep you trapped within four walls?

Is he controlling in any other ways? Does he have issue when you go away with friends or socialise with out him? Do you feel like you don’t do things to keep the peace?
if he’s generally a good egg and you don’t normally have issues. It could be he’s anxious about you being alone and he’s managed it badly in which case I’d expect an apology and a discussion about how you treat one another.
Ultimately he can’t tell you what to do or threaten you/ ignore you when you don’t do as your told. That’s unacceptable behaviour. You absolutely should go on the trip and have to see how he responds to that . He sounds quite insecure but that’s his issue to work on it shouldn’t be your issue to manage

Op, you really should re-evaluate this relationship. It’s not just the controlling behaviour around you travelling by yourself and questioning how often you go away. He is also telling you off, shutting down any conversation and trying to emotionally blackmail you. It all sounds quite toxic.

I’m a bit puzzled by this -
When I first mentioned it yesterday he essentially said “off with you” but his reaction later makes me think that this earlier comment was said because he thought I was joking.
’Off with you’ is a bit archaic, but generally means ‘clear off’ or even ‘don’t be ridiculous’, rather than ‘off you go, then’. Even ‘off you go’ wouldn’t mean ‘of course you should go!’ In this context it would be more like ‘well, bugger off, then’

When i first read your title, i assumed it was going to be a parent setting rules for their teenager.

He sounds quite scary to me tbh op.