To wish my dh understood why I would like him to make an effort more with his clothes? Or explain it to me ?

[Boomboomi]

When I met dh many moons ago , he dressed very well , on a limited income.
Fast forward , he does not make an effort with his clothes .When I do - most of the time - he says I look pretty etc.

Being a very visual person … I love clothes, colours, shapes .

He says that it is simply not important to him .
ive asked him over the years to ger a few bits - it does not register in his priorities.. tho he does know how important it feels to me.
He could look good v easily on a minimal effort.

as he knows its important to me - i do wonder if its resistance - as he could do it if he wanted to on a small amount of money. He has spent 3k on a bike .

whilst i recognise we are people with different priorities- totally fine - i cant understand why he declines to invest just a small amount of his energy and money into something that he knows is important to me ?
like for eg our son in law wears lovely aftershave - as he likes to smell and look good for himself and others - wereas dh - feels no social pleasure in doing similar
it feels to me that he feels these socilatal norms - to me - dont apply - my family always liked to look smart and i dont get it . Help !

I love art, architecture, sculpture, flowers, a beautiful piece of music or prose…I couldn’t care less about clothes, either mine or my husband’s. I don’t understand the value people place on it. If my DH chose to make that a sticking point, he wouldn’t be my ‘D’H anymore. I feel really sorry for your husband.

This example illustrates the point you are missing - he's a human being, not a possession.

@LiviaDrusillaAugusta you’re not getting it. It’s not about ‘decrees’. That’s what Emperors do. This is about arrangements to get along together happily.
Why does it bother you so much that couples have such arrangements?

^this
I'm also a visual person, so how someone looks is part and parcel of how attractive I find them (not everything, by any means - it's the whole package). The fact the OP 's husband used to and now doesn't feels to her like he's less bothered by her. It annoys me that style/fashion can be seen as shallow in this country.

Ok... Would he (and you) appreciate a natural scent like some cedarwood essential oil? Maybe you could look up a recipe and put it into a little spray or rollerball as a little gift.
Another idea: make it a game: go shopping together, set a budget and buy something for the other person to wear that evening? Even if it's charity shop and hideous you can have a laugh (in a different town!), and perhaps get him out of his comfort zone or later suggest a more upmarket version of whatever you've picked would be nice for another day...
In relationship terms it's about making the effort to be attractive for the other person in little ways, at least some of the time, which is what you should be able to expect. Hounding him into it however, is the opposite of attractive so please be careful.

@Boomboomi I AM BEGGING YOU TO LEARN HOW TO USE THE QUOTE FUNCTION

Well to be fair it IS shallow. It’s fine if you are interested in clothes for yourself.

I don’t get why you would judge someone’s value by what they wear. It’s bizarre. It doesn’t take account of someone’s intelligence, sense of humour, personality and loyalty.

But then I’m good at assessing personality very quickly and I rarely notice or care what people are wearing (and honestly I can’t remember what I wore the day before) unless they happen to he wearing the one texture I’m phobic about.

There are so many more important things to fill your brain with than what other people wear. It doesn’t affect you so why bother?

We don’t know how old OP is but I would hazard a guess that they met when rather younger than they are now. Fashion and clothes are often important to the young and interest declines markedly with age. For women just as much as for men. There’s nothing wrong with this - interests change as you age. I am now about as interested in fashion as I am in Barbie dolls. I got older and my interests changed.

Some people retain an interest in clothes throughout their lives but most don’t. And that’s fine.

Make it a game? Seriously!

You all talk like you are trying to get a recalcitrant toddler in line. Making a game of it, sneaking clothes in, flattering him. It’s sly and it’s manipulative so that you can make them do what you want.

OP you have had your say to him. He says he will do it so that you stop wanging on about it. If you want to pick at him then carry on. You never know. He might eventually give in and you would be happy then. He wouldn’t necessarily be but hey ho.

I said YANBU but then read the other replies. I grew up in a home where clothes weren’t much of a thing. I still think it’s nice to make an effort for the other person, (though I’m aware I don’t know what level you’re talking about!)

and that's litterally the only thing you get from that?

Making the occasional effort for a partner can only be because they are "controlling" 😂

Fairly intense from the sound of it - she likens it to being given flowers

I hear you OP. When I met my DH we both worked in the city and he wore gorgeous suits, shirts and silk ties. When Covid and WFH arrived he discovered fleecy joggers and the beardy look and now I have to put up with his meat and two veg bobbing around and being kissed by a gorilla ☹️

Making an effort is one thing if it’s his choice.

Trying to trick your partner into doing what you want is not the same thing.

I remember one of the shitty puzzle magazines used to have a section called ‘Aren’t Men Daft’ where women would laugh about those silly men.

I just think as adults people can have their say to their partner but if their partner chooses not to do what they want then the person needs to shut up.

if it’s that much of a big deal that you can’t get past it, do your partner a favour and find someone with similar sartorial tastes.

If it isn’t that much of a big deal then suck it up - I’m sure there are plenty of things they would change about you.

Unless he's wearing ripped jeans and a t shirt to a black tie event you are being completely unreasonable and by the sounds of it controlling and superficial.

Your DH is wearing what he feels comfortable in. Your saying the equivalent of a man saying go put a pretty dress on because I want it regardless of how that makes them feel.

So you recognise that people have different priorities but then say why doesn’t he prioritise the same things you and you’re son in law prioritise?

He is expressing himself in how he dresses. You don’t want him to express himself in how he dresses. You want him to express your wishes in how he dresses. That is controlling of you.

Op you would hate being around me.

Look if we like a person or love them, and want them in our lifes what clothes they have on means nothing, because we ecept that person for who they are, not what rags are on their backs.

I leanred this myself after years of blending in keeping up, when tbh it really wasnt me.
People in my life want to be in it because they like me all of me not because of what im wearing.
I would never tell anyone to change anything about themself to make me feel better, or so they fit in with family etc.

We are all different so why should we follow a crowd when we can just be our selfs.

edited for spelling.

As humans we do judge others by their appearances, it is part of a survival instinct. I don't think that appreciating someone's appearance means you dismiss their intelligence, sense of humour, values - it's all part of who they are. I just think it's an interesting trait that we dismiss style and fashion as shallow, whereas other cultures can see it as life-enhancing.

Appreciating what people wear is very different from trying to control it

Let’s face it - so very few people are genuine stylish, whatever they may think.

Im curious to know how it can be life enhancing?

I would probably like you though (not sure that’s a good thing 🤣)

I dress comfortably and appropriately and I’m always clean. That’s as far as it goes

I’m sure there are plenty of things they would change about you
you are taking this very personally aren't you 😂

Same im clean smell nice and fresh and comfortble, i use deodorant and role on only.
Purfumes hurt my skin and are far to strong smelling.

Oh not remotely. I have no skin in this game because I am not interested in clothes and nobody in my life is crass enough to comment.

I just find the idea of manipulating someone to be distasteful. Obviously most of you don’t have an issue with that, and I assume you would be equally happy for your partners to moan about your dress sense or try to trick you into changing. I’m impressed at how chilled you all are about control 🤣

OP has made her position clear to her DH. He says he will do it. But doesn’t. Then this thread is full of people telling the OP to praise him for being a good boy or trick him into it by making a game out of it.

I completely understand OP, you feel like he’s done the old “bait and switch”; you matched with him and dated him because he took care of himself and dressed well. Now he sees you as the ball and chain, he doesn’t make any effort; no woman wants to be married to Wayne Slob, especially if you don’t resemble Waynetta.

My DH lost his sense of style for a while when he was WFH, no more tailored trousers and shirts, just paint and grease splattered jeans and T-shirts.

One day a family friend was kindly babysitting so DH and I could celebrate our anniversary and as we were about to leave, they declared “you can’t go out looking like that when your wife has made an effort to look lovely for you, go and change!”

I think we were all shocked by the uncharacteristic outburst and he meekly went up and got into a smart outfit. That night we had a really honest conversation about how long we’d been together and not taking each other for granted and that we should still be trying to impress each other, flirt with each other and date each other as that’s what keeps a marriage strong.

Your DH has stopped trying to impress you, flirt with you and date you OP, I can understand why you’re disappointed.