To wish my dh understood why I would like him to make an effort more with his clothes? Or explain it to me ?

[Boomboomi]

When I met dh many moons ago , he dressed very well , on a limited income.
Fast forward , he does not make an effort with his clothes .When I do - most of the time - he says I look pretty etc.

Being a very visual person … I love clothes, colours, shapes .

He says that it is simply not important to him .
ive asked him over the years to ger a few bits - it does not register in his priorities.. tho he does know how important it feels to me.
He could look good v easily on a minimal effort.

as he knows its important to me - i do wonder if its resistance - as he could do it if he wanted to on a small amount of money. He has spent 3k on a bike .

whilst i recognise we are people with different priorities- totally fine - i cant understand why he declines to invest just a small amount of his energy and money into something that he knows is important to me ?
like for eg our son in law wears lovely aftershave - as he likes to smell and look good for himself and others - wereas dh - feels no social pleasure in doing similar
it feels to me that he feels these socilatal norms - to me - dont apply - my family always liked to look smart and i dont get it . Help !

I’m only up to here but every single one of your posts has been about you and what you want. You don’t seem to have considered at all what he wants. You want him to dress smart cos it’s important to you? How about you dress comfy and stop going on about it as that’s important to him?

I might express myself badly, apologies

but of course my point stands for both. I have no sympathy for women who let themselves go and complain their husband ran away, anymore than I have sympathy for men whose wife divorce them when they find someone who care enough to make an effort too.

Again, men or women, same thing.

But on MN there are more resentment towards men going to the gym too often (and behaving like stinky teenagers at home)
and more scream of "fat shaming" when women talk about keeping their silhouette even after having children 😂(back in the real world, there are as many men as women in the gym)

I’m that guy - except I wasn’t a smart dresser when I met my partner. I am far more comfortable in t shirts and shorts or joggers. Probably spending my whole working life in a suit contributes to that although I’ve never been interested in clothes

Always clean both me and the clothes. On holiday we go to restaurants with a smart casual dress code and obviously, I follow that but my partner enjoys that much more than I do

I feel constricted…

We enjoy our time together (we live separately) and we laugh and have fun - which is the most important thing for both of us

You know that people leave because their partner is controlling too?

Someone upthread said to try and flatter him to make him do it but that brings to mind a parent applauding their toddler for shitting in the toilet.

I agree with you and sympathise! I don’t think you are controlling, he made an effort when you met so established a standard.
My OH wears very old, moth eaten, worn clothes at home but does now have a choice of smart “going out” clothes.
We selected most of them together from Crew Clothing as he thinks M&S is for old blokes (despite being one himself!) and this was a big part of his resistance.
CC have a good range and also short., medium and long length in trousers and he always finds something from the sale offer range. We order a few things for home delivery and if he doesn’t like it or it doesn’t fit, easy to return.
He wears them when we go out out, as well as a nice spray. He feels good when we go out now, but it’s taken a while for him to accept that he’s worthy to have something nice to wear. He isn’t tight and encourages me to buy what I want.
He will accept it as a birthday gift so that’s a win too.
Hope you can resolve this!

I think in these situations the wife just buys the clothes for the husband. IMO, it probably isn't that he chooses to dress like that , rather he can't be bothered to make an effort. There is a difference.
I don't think you're at all unreasonable to feel as you do. It's not the same at all as a husband telling his wife what to wear, because he's just not bothering.
Would you both be happy if you did his shopping?

First of all it’s not an argument it’s my personal opinion and secondly, if you read what I wrote properly in the very quote you picked out; I said I prefer those with lovely personalities over those who ONLY dress the part - nowhere did I say people can’t have both because that’s just common sense.

In the case of where people do have both, it would still be their personality that would draw me to them as I couldn’t care less about someones style and I’m certainly not going to think better or worse of them based on how stylish their clothes are whereas OP has said several times that people should dress for others and I disagree.

Incredible

can you imagine the post by a husband who wanted his wife to dress a certain way because he “liked looking at nice things”

So you accept a partner just as they are? Some don’t wash, or brush their teeth. Pick their nose openly?
there are limits. And it’s ok to expect your partner to make an effort.
re your point about men - yes he would get attacked on here. You’re right.

Why should he wear what the OP chooses if it’s not his thing? He’s an adult and doesn’t need his mummy buying his clothes for him.

I love clothes. Result is I have far too many of them and have spent far too much money. DP is on the other hand a purely functional dresser. Clothes are comfy or warm or suitable for some practical activity or sport. I used to buy him things I would have liked him to wear but he never wore them. So I stopped. He is completely comfortable in himself and that's fine as far as I am concerned.

Op has been clear it’s not about hygiene. It’s aesthetics

I said upthread that dirty or smelly isn’t the same thing as not wearing what your wife insists you wear.

So if a man would get attacked on here, why is it okay for a woman to do it

That’s because you are a good partner!

You need to accept not sharing an interest in clothes and fashion and accept him as he is.

7 ‘I’s

Absolutely this, wonder if the dh said he was now really into steampunk or grunge and to make him happy he would like her to dress in that style, as that’s what he finds best… would she do that?

How shallow is this shit?

If you actually love your husband, rather than seeing him as some sort of accessory, leave him alone to be himself without constant criticism.

Someone doing things to make their partner happy is one thing, but being expected to change their appearance to suit their other half's idea of sartorial elegance is quite another.

You sound extremely controlling OP and frankly exhausting to be around.

@Boomboomi could you try introducing some bits by stealth, like you “find some amazing gems in a charity shop” when you go to a different town alone buy new and cut the tags off?

The Vinted capsule wardrobe project a PP suggested is a good idea too - I do this with DH who hates shopping but likes to look good. He lets me know if an item is getting old and tatty, then I use the ‘favourite’ function to make a long list of options for replacements. He chooses what he wants, knows it’s secondhand and a relative bargain, and the element of limited edited choice works well.

Edited to add that DH is comfortable in his own skin and I love him regardless. He CBA to buy clothes himself and I like to use Vinted, so this works for us

“I value my wife wearing make up and dressing to look sexy. I like to look at nice things. Yet she won’t make any effort to look like I want her to. AIBU?”

And if she loved me she would do it because she knows what I value.

Oh please don’t do this. It’s manipulative. Just leave the poor man alone to wear what he wants. If someone’s dress sense is that important to their spouse, then they need to examine the relationship.

So you love his personality as long as he dresses how you decree?

It is all so shallow.

There are some messed up women on here.

I hope your husband has a thick skin and isn't taking your shallow, unkind, judgmental, controlling opinions (including 'unspoken' expression of) too much to heart.

I said why in post. He possibly just can’t be bothered. If she chooses his clothes, they can both be happy.
That’s a perfectly normal marital arrangement. Nothing whatsoever to do with being his Mummy. It’s about cooperation . That’s what adults aim to do. Children have Mummies.