AIBU to think a 10k in two months is unrealistic?

[LavenderSkies]

A friend of ours is doing a 10k in a few months that’s a fundraiser for brain cancer (he lost his dad to brain cancer last year). Another friend has decided to join him (he’s a cancer survivor himself, not brain cancer though), and they’ve today asked DH to join as well (he lost his mum over Christmas to brain cancer). He’s agreed, but he has less than 2 months to train.

While I think it’s great DH wants to get in shape and support such an important
cause, him thinking he can run 10k in 2 months is absolute insanity to be completely honest. DH hasn’t been a member of a gym in almost 8 years and he doesn’t exercise beyond kicking the footy with the kids (every now and then he decides to start running, goes twice and I don’t hear about it again for 6+ months). These friends are much fitter than he is; the one who signed up first has been training for this since last year, the other is a regular runner. DH is not where either of them are at at all and regularly complains about how unfit he is.

He claims he’ll train but my question is when? He works full time and we have 3 kids, so weekends are pretty full. He and SILs are also in the process of clearing out their mum’s house so they can put it on the market, which is time consuming. He starts work at 7:30am so before work isn’t really an option (he’s not a morning person as it is). He mentioned his way home from work, which would be doable 3 nights of the week (the other 2 nights our kids have sport commitments at the same time in different locations, so we need to divide and conquer). He has a side business that he works on of an evening. And weekends have more kids sport, plus the usual kids runaround and social commitments, plus trying to squeeze in him going to his mum’s. And then there’s the matter that adding something else to his plate at the moment takes away even more time from his kids (or from my time with him if he was to go of an evening after the kids are in bed). I just don’t see how this is possible and feel he’s taking on more than he can chew.

I said I didn’t see how this was going to work and he accused me of being unsupportive. I’m not trying to be unsupportive, but I am trying to be realistic/practical. If he wants to get in shape, great! But maybe start small with a couple of gym sessions a week until he has more capacity. If he wants to run the 10k for his mum, incredible! But maybe aim for next year or a different location later this year so he has time to actually train for it. AIBU to think it’s crazy to attempt a 10k in less than 2 months given these circumstances?

It's reasonable for your dh to have a few hours week to spend on his fitness (ditto for you too). So maybe there'll need to be less family time, or the kids do fewer activities, or he gets up earlier or whatever. Just make sure there's some quid pro quo.

He wants something good to come out of his mother's death. You should support him.

As someone who used to be a non runner and now runs, this is completely achievable in the time you may deem allowable for him to train.

Your support and backing will carry him far further along than his legs ever would. Seems a shame you're not behind him.

Sorry OP💐. I think people are being unnecessarily harsh to you on this thread. You’ve acknowledged you overestimated the training required, and it’s fair to point out that you’re already juggling more to allow your DH to grieve!

It’s half an hour of running 3 times a week when the kids are in bed/on a Sunday morning. He’s barely out of the house! It’s not marathon training where he’s going off for 3h long+ long runs.

OP has mentioned several times that she overestimated the amount of training needed as she’s not a runner herself, it’ll cause minimal disruption.

Agree. There’s another post from OP detailing how she’s already picked up the slack to allow him time to grieve and hasn’t the capacity for much more. It does sound a bit ‘me me me’. Having lost my own mum a few weeks ago after a long illness the only thing l can advise is that she find that capacity. Losing a parent is a significant life event and watching your family home dismantled and sold can be traumatic.

Her DH is clearly handling this in the best way he can and wants to do something to celebrate his mum in the midst of the grief he feels. Running is good for mental health and if he achieves the goal he’s set, even better. The alternative could be anxiety and depression and months of therapy.

10km really isn't very far. Presumably he can stop and walk for sections if he gets out of puff. It's not like he's going to die of exhaustion.

I agree. A decent 10k is perfectly doable, but if that means that OP is going ti have to do everything while he trains that's a conversation to be had.

OP have you got any hobbies and you can divide up your free time fairly? As a runner I'd say give that a go too, you might get the bug 😀

If there is no timw goal and he has some type of base level fitness, he can do it. He can run and walk in turns, propably won't be super comfortable but totally doable and doesn't require training

It is doable especially if the goal is just to run it and not get a specific time. If he starts with 5k it’ll give him a good indication of where he is at… I walk 5 k in less than an hour for reference, so looking at approx 40 mins max 3-4 times a week.

You do sound against it and your comments of when he will fit runs in sounds to me like there is a deeper problem of you feeling like you already disproportionally pick up the child / house. I don’t think it’s unreasonable in a partnership to think when is he going to fit it in and how will it impact me! Most people I know who work out a lot do so early morning so it doesn’t impact the day.

I think he’ll be fine. He needs to train a bit and pace himself. 10k is sufficiently short that determination will go a long way.

This. If a man posted here with the same circumstances he’d be ripped to shreds.

Exercise, running in particular, really helped me when I was going through a bereavement. Being fitter in general will be a good thing for him and all of you. As others have said, 10k really isn’t very far anyway, so he won’t need much training anyway.

Tell your husband that you are feeling burnt out though. You need time for yourself too.

Get him to parkrun every Saturday. He can jeff it, run a minute walk a minute then the next week do 90seconds 1min etc.

Exactly this. Op your original post seemed really negative and unsupportive of it and like you’re trying to think of all the reasons not to do it. In this case your lack of support (and I don’t mean picking up slack but emotional support) is probably the biggest obstacle in him doing it. If you keep telling him he can’t do it he might end up believing you. Honestly given the amount of activity you describe him currently doing it will probably be VERY good for his health and if he keeps it up will probably significantly lengthen his life through improved cardiovascular health.

OP I can understand your frustration, when your husband is taking on a new commitment in your already full lives.

From what you’ve said, he won’t actually get around to doing any training, or at least not much, because he hasn’t managed to in the past. So I doubt it’ll have much impact on your day-to-day lives.

The run will be fine. As others have said, he can walk if he wants to. But if he thinks he’ll be running with his friends, he’s definitely delusional!

I’d try and be supportive if I were you. It’s good that he’s doing something healthy, and he’s obviously had a tough time losing his Mum.

She doesn't have any free time! That's the whole point. She's already trying to squeeze in 90% of the work of parenting her 3 small DCs around her job. Now this extra expectation is being landed on her. I don't blame her for feeling totally overwhelmed.

People saying "support your partner" - who will support OP?

You are making excuses for why he can’t get out of bed though. If he is serious about doing it then it should motivate him, regardless of whether he is a morning person or not.

Great thing to do! It’s only a few weeks and will give him time to grieve and feel he is doing something with supportive friends.

Op just a thought if the kids do any sort or drop n go type clubs, that's a good time to fit training in. Park at the venue, go for run, come back for them.

I wish him luck.

But you need to carve out time for you to in a week

I am not against DH grieving or doing something to celebrate his mum. What an awful thing to imply. I don’t think it was unreasonable to question when DH was going to find the time to do this when he already has such a full plate, as do I. At the moment, DH doesn’t do any housework and he does minimal parenting. For me to take on more, it would be me literally doing his side or day job for him (which I’m not qualified to do I might add). Or taking over helping to clean out his mum’s place, which I’ve said I’ll happily help with but DH and SILs want to do it together. Or taking over his team manager role, which would mean our other child giving up their activity (let alone that I’d have no idea what I’m doing ). Could you please share how I find extra capacity if it’s that easy? Should I give up my job or drop my hours so that I have more time in the day? Should one of our kids have to give up their one after school activity? If so, which child gets prioritised?

And on top of this, as I’ve pointed out MANY times, now that I understand the actual
commitment involved, we can make it work. What else would you have me do?

Running can be great for your mood and reducing stress and worry. It may help him deal with the current life demands better. It certainly gives me more energy and I have better quality time with my partner. I know running isn't for everyone, but if he wants to give it a go then I would support him. In 8 weeks he should aim to just get round, using run/walk method, so he doesn't hurt himself.

He can probably walk 10k today in under 2 hours, so any work he puts in in the next eight weeks would see that improve.

God my partner signs up to these things out the blue and it is a right ballache when he does!

Cue last minute training which is pressured so not always in the best weather - resulting in illnesses. Or running x amount with no training; cue a big after race illness and weeks of man flu or physical injury.

And then he recovers. And then it starts again 😭

But this run is for his ma so I think you’re just going to have to be supportive and if he’s worried just say you can speed walk it if you need to.

The fact that you see a question as combative speaks volumes.

Leave the man be and let him train however he needs to train.

I couldn't do it but Ive known people who have with relative ease.