To exclude sibling from wedding due to their lifestyle choice?

[Salitnan]

This will be incredibly identifying to anyone who knows my family and quite controversial but it’s such a bloody niche situation that nobody can relate to and it’s hugely stressing me out. I’m not writing this as ragebait or to troll, it is a genuine situation I am dealing with.

I’m getting married next year. My partner of 5 years is from a very traditional, right-wing Eastern European country. My partner however is very tolerant and chill, as are most of his immediate family who also live in Western countries.

We’ve decided to get married in his home country, as it’s very affordable there and we can have a beautiful package in an area of outstanding natural beauty, and he can invite his dear godparents who he adores (and they adore him) who are scared of flying.

This is all well and good but one of my family members is presenting an issue. My brother (who is an adult in their mid-20s) has a learning disability. This is not a problem, but in the past year they have come out as transgender. This has been a massive struggle for us as there were no signs previously and it came out of nowhere, and they have insisted they are going ahead with the transition and they self-harm if anyone misgenders them or politely reminds them of etiquette in public places regarding toilets, or wearing appropriate clothing for a social situation etc. It has been extremely hard work for my aging parents, he lives with them full time. The learning disability alongside being transgender makes them massively vulnerable and they get stared at in public and often started on when in the city centre by lads, and they aren’t aware of their vulnerability. They insist on dressing incredibly provocatively (wig and heels, provocative clothes) as they say they feel insecure otherwise, and when I have tried to explain to them that women don’t necessarily dress like that, they self-harm. They insult people in public, not to their face, they will say it to my mum (will whisper in her ear “he looks like a twat”), but sometimes people have overheard and started on him and my mum has had to explain about his disability and fend them off.

I’m already in therapy to deal with complex feelings towards them from how they dominate my parents lives and how I felt neglected as a child due to the focus on them and their vulnerabilities. The recent coming out as transgender has brought up a lot of old resentment I had towards him which I had buried, and I’m trying to have the therapy so that I can have a bond with him going forward, but I can’t help but feel a sort of anger at him, and I hate myself for it.

Back onto the wedding topic - I’ve realised I simply don’t want them at the wedding. My fiancé’s family are nice people and wouldn’t be a danger to my brother but many of my fiancé’s extended family members are from a small isolated village in a Catholic Eastern European country and he will be stared at like a hawk, whispered about. To he quite frank he will stick out like a sore thumb with his clothes and hair. As awful as it sounds I will be embarrassed by him and on edge, and won’t be able to enjoy my day. My partner says he’ll notify everyone in advance that my brother will be there and what to expect but I just really can’t be doing with the stress of it all. It’s not just family it’s the the staff in the hotel, other members of the public around who might be drinking, and they will need to stay in the country a few days around the ceremony so lots of opportunity for things to go wrong. They have severe social anxiety due to their learning disability and have been known to sneak alcohol as a way to deal with this and this further increases their vulnerability as they lose their filter and say their mind in front of people.

I did try to compromise and said to my mum I’d be happy to have them if if they would be willing to tone down their dress in order to come to the wedding - dropping the wig and toning down their clothes, but they have become angry at this suggestion and have refused.

I’ve told my mum it may be the case that I can’t invite them, and therefore my parents can’t come either as they are his carers. My mum says she understands and we can have a do later on back in the UK.

I just want my day to not be dominated by him. I also don’t want to have to change the wedding plans that me and my partner are happy with just to suit him. Am I an awful person?

Surprised you want your neglectful parents at your wedding either

I am really sorry for the predicament you are in, sorry I do not know what to suggest.

Why don't you just say that you find your relative unacceptable as a person and don't want him there? Then cut any form of contact completely. Then he wouldn't offend your sensibilities at all.

I'm amazed at how many people in the poll think you would be unreasonable for excluding this person from your wedding. They wouldn't be coming within a mile off mine. And it's got nothing to do with them being trans, but their unreasonable behaviour.

You’re in a horrible position, but I’d always say it’s YOUR wedding, YOUR celebration. Do what YOU think is right.
You can always organise a dinner or something with your family when you get back. Good luck! x

I didn’t read the whole OP as it’s too long but if it’s a traditional/catholic oriented Eastern European country there might be legal implications for your sibling. I don’t think e.g he would be able to attend women toilet just because he is in heels and police might be called and the other way around. I would carefully double check this sort of things. His learning disability also might be ignored in some situations.

I wouldn’t exclude my sibling just for their unusual behavior (and that’s where you approach it wrong imo) but I would consider all practicalities for all guests while choosing a place for my wedding.

I understand your feelings. I would go ahead with the wedding without them. You can't relax and enjoy your day with them there. It sounds like your parents understand

You aren't being unreasonable in the slightest. And don't beat yourself up about being resentful. It's common that a NT sibling feels resentful as their whole families lives are dictated by the other siblings needs, I've got personal experience of this. You do not need to have a relationship with your brother and it's not your job to facilitate that. Your big day is about you, and if he's going to be a talking or staring point it's just going to stress you out.
The parents shouldn't be enabling this behaviour either. He sounds like he needs urgent mental health help if he's self harming like this when someone questions or pushes back.

I have already signed up to therapy to process my feelings towards them. The way everything in the family has to be about them, about how
my poor parents can’t have any freedom. I had accepted their disability a long long time ago from being a young child and knew that this will always dominate my parents lives but the transgender stuff has added a whole new level of complexity to things that I really need
to unpack and deal with professionally. I feel angry and wish they could just give my mum a bloody break. Took them and my mum out for Sunday lunch the other week and they insisted on wearing the ridiculous wig and awful attire and everyone in the pub was staring and mum was on edge. I felt so sorry for my mum.

I don’t want it to come across that I’m excluding them from the wedding to punish them, I just really don’t want to deal with their baggage. The way they dress is a complete and utter insult towards women - provocative and hyper-sexualised and anyone else would know it’s completely inappropriate for a wedding, particularly in a traditional Catholic country, but as usual, due to their vulnerability, I’m expected to just keep my mouth shut. I’d really just rather they aren’t there at
all.

My mum understands but this means that she can’t come as she is his main carer and he will refuse to be left with anyone else, I’m utterly heartbroken. But even if they all did come mum and dad wouldn’t be able to relax, they’d be following him around the venue making sure he doesn’t get started on by anyone, tries to use the female toilets, drinks etc

I would not specifically uninvite him. But I would say he can only come if he dresses in a 'demure', respectful manner, as you expect of all guests (ie it doesn't just apply to him). Any guest who deliberately dresses in a sexual/provocative/inappropriate way isn't welcome at your wedding. It's up to him whether he comes or not, on those normal perfectly reasonable terms. Wedding guests should blend in, not upstage the bride and groom. He needs to understand this if he wants to come, just like everyone else.

You can't do much about the behaviour when he drinks, except prep other family members to take him home if it gets inappropriate.

I also wouldn't subject my female guests to a biological fully grown man invading their space in the toilets at my wedding either. I wouldn't want their privacy invaded just to suit this blokes agenda.

I agree with this. He wouldn't be safe, due to his chouices, the alcohol and his disabilities, you'd be on edge, and rightly so, as it has disaster written all over it and your parents understand this. A dinner with them afterwards, if you want to, sounds better. Don't feel guilty, just enjoy your day. The focus needs to be you and your husband to be, not him.

I agree with this. He wouldn't be safe, due to his chouices, the alcohol and his disabilities, you'd be on edge, and rightly so, as it has disaster written all over it and your parents understand this. A dinner with them afterwards, if you want to, sounds better. Don't feel guilty, just enjoy your day. The focus needs to be you and your husband to be, not him.

I wonder whether having the wedding in your partners home and then having a quiet church blessing with your family afterwards with a special luxury meal and a few local friends might not work better? Regardless of the position on trans issues, the bro (and therefore the parents) may find celebrating in the UK more manageable and less conflict inducing - so will enjoy this more anyway? Travelling to a foreign country to be with lots of people they do not know is hard for NT people, so older parents and an ND sibling may find this overwhelming. You can frame this as a focussed family celebration in the UK?

Not unreasonable at all. I can feel the stress from it all just reading it. Go enjoy your wedding, I couldn't have one person bring me so much stress while trying to plan what should be a relaxed, beautiful day. It's not punishing them, it's prioritising yourself, as you should. You're paying for it, you're the reason for it, you deserve to have it how you want it. I can understand you wanting your mum to be there but seeing them when you're back/doing something local with them, is the best case scenario for all of you imo.

Fwiw, from how you described your siblings style and likely behaviour with the alcohol etc, I wouldn't want a biological woman attending who thought that's appropriate either.

In the UK they tend to manage by using the disabled toilets but when these aren’t available he insists on using the women’s and this has caused issues in the past. He also hates the men’s because the men in there stare and comment and he feels scared. So many things in life that should be simple have became an absolute nightmare because of his choice to pursue this. I struggle to have sympathy which I feel guilty about.

If you’re an adult of full capacity and want to deal with all of these complications as a result f perusing a transition then fair enough but because of his disability it’s my parents who have to deal with all of it, they are pushing 70 and should be able to relax. They can be so nasty to my poor mum.

I’m devastated by it all.

You're not an awful person, you're being realistic and honest with yourself. You're being selfish and that's good, it's your wedding! We should all be selfish sometimes. Your brother sounds very difficult to be around. It's your wedding and it should be about what you want and enjoy. You shouldn't feel guilty.

You can invite whoever you want to your wedding. To exclude someone because you don’t like how other people treat them is a pretty crap thing to do. It would be better just to say you don’t like them and own it.

You say "he" but also "they". Your brother is a man, its okay to say he.

I would not invite him but would insist your parents come

This is a horrible situation for you, and I don’t blame you at all for not wanting to invite him. Is there any way your parents could get respite care so that he’s looked after and they could fly out and attend your wedding?

Have an abroad wedding for your DH's family and a small celebration / 'reception' for your UK family afterwards. The travel and situation sounds incredibly stressful for your parents to have to manage in a foreign country so as your mum has suggested this, go in that direction. Maybe live stream the wedding ceremony for her.

I wouldn't ever prioritise getting married overseas where it is beautiful, or prioritise accommodating godparents over my actual parents. I'd also like to think that my friends and family, and my husband's friends and family, would know how to behave in public and therefore not stare or make nasty comments about a disabled trans person.

Your parents may well understand, and no doubt they've had a lifetime of being left out and having to miss things because that's the shit reality of being a full time carer for somebody very vulnerable. But that doesn't mean they aren't incredibly upset.

I couldn't envisage a scenario in which I'd prioritise the comfort of small minded people over my own sibling, or feeling embarrassed by their disability or gender.
However, nobody but you and your future husband can decide what should be the priorities for your wedding.

I would ask your parents to put your unsettled sibling into respite for a few weeks.

Having to mind him would render your parents exhausted..
Otherwise hire a phych nurse for a week to mind him at his home.
If that is not possible ask your parents to take a minder with them to your wedding.

Your parents have earnt a break. They should be able to be well rested and attend the wedding.

Do as your mum suggested have your big day abroad and another celebration including your parents and brother when you get back. Two parties are better than one!

It sounds as if he wouldn't accept respite. And the parents wouldn't force it on him, which is fair enough, if sad for them and the OP. It sounds as if he enjoys being the focus of the family and the OP is allowed not to want that on her wedding day.