To exclude sibling from wedding due to their lifestyle choice?

[Salitnan]

This will be incredibly identifying to anyone who knows my family and quite controversial but it’s such a bloody niche situation that nobody can relate to and it’s hugely stressing me out. I’m not writing this as ragebait or to troll, it is a genuine situation I am dealing with.

I’m getting married next year. My partner of 5 years is from a very traditional, right-wing Eastern European country. My partner however is very tolerant and chill, as are most of his immediate family who also live in Western countries.

We’ve decided to get married in his home country, as it’s very affordable there and we can have a beautiful package in an area of outstanding natural beauty, and he can invite his dear godparents who he adores (and they adore him) who are scared of flying.

This is all well and good but one of my family members is presenting an issue. My brother (who is an adult in their mid-20s) has a learning disability. This is not a problem, but in the past year they have come out as transgender. This has been a massive struggle for us as there were no signs previously and it came out of nowhere, and they have insisted they are going ahead with the transition and they self-harm if anyone misgenders them or politely reminds them of etiquette in public places regarding toilets, or wearing appropriate clothing for a social situation etc. It has been extremely hard work for my aging parents, he lives with them full time. The learning disability alongside being transgender makes them massively vulnerable and they get stared at in public and often started on when in the city centre by lads, and they aren’t aware of their vulnerability. They insist on dressing incredibly provocatively (wig and heels, provocative clothes) as they say they feel insecure otherwise, and when I have tried to explain to them that women don’t necessarily dress like that, they self-harm. They insult people in public, not to their face, they will say it to my mum (will whisper in her ear “he looks like a twat”), but sometimes people have overheard and started on him and my mum has had to explain about his disability and fend them off.

I’m already in therapy to deal with complex feelings towards them from how they dominate my parents lives and how I felt neglected as a child due to the focus on them and their vulnerabilities. The recent coming out as transgender has brought up a lot of old resentment I had towards him which I had buried, and I’m trying to have the therapy so that I can have a bond with him going forward, but I can’t help but feel a sort of anger at him, and I hate myself for it.

Back onto the wedding topic - I’ve realised I simply don’t want them at the wedding. My fiancé’s family are nice people and wouldn’t be a danger to my brother but many of my fiancé’s extended family members are from a small isolated village in a Catholic Eastern European country and he will be stared at like a hawk, whispered about. To he quite frank he will stick out like a sore thumb with his clothes and hair. As awful as it sounds I will be embarrassed by him and on edge, and won’t be able to enjoy my day. My partner says he’ll notify everyone in advance that my brother will be there and what to expect but I just really can’t be doing with the stress of it all. It’s not just family it’s the the staff in the hotel, other members of the public around who might be drinking, and they will need to stay in the country a few days around the ceremony so lots of opportunity for things to go wrong. They have severe social anxiety due to their learning disability and have been known to sneak alcohol as a way to deal with this and this further increases their vulnerability as they lose their filter and say their mind in front of people.

I did try to compromise and said to my mum I’d be happy to have them if if they would be willing to tone down their dress in order to come to the wedding - dropping the wig and toning down their clothes, but they have become angry at this suggestion and have refused.

I’ve told my mum it may be the case that I can’t invite them, and therefore my parents can’t come either as they are his carers. My mum says she understands and we can have a do later on back in the UK.

I just want my day to not be dominated by him. I also don’t want to have to change the wedding plans that me and my partner are happy with just to suit him. Am I an awful person?

If you had him at your wedding, your poor parents would be on edge all of the time and completely unable to enjoy your big day. I’m sure that they would much rather celebrate with you afterwards.

Use your wedding as a prompt for your parents to stand strong and insist on respite for your brother. They should attend your wedding. Your brother would disturb the occasion.

The situation is dire for your parents if they can not take a break.
Bring him home photos and cake and your shoes to look at.

Has anyone considered that the OP wants to get married in a separate country away from what is clearly a challenging situation? Having a sibling with LD can be very challenging, but this in particular is complex and goes beyond that, that’s quite clear. Maybe she deep down wants to be away with extended family who don’t know about this situation and she can once in her life be in a normal family unit?

Have your own day OP, I fear if you don’t you may resent them even more which it sounds like you already do (totally justified I may add!)

This stood out to be in your OP but in the past year they have come out as transgender.
How does that time frame tie in with your engagement and wedding planning?

your brother sounds highly manipulative (the self harming when challenged) and it’s a known thing that husbands suddenly come out as transgender when wives are pregnant.
I wonder if there has been a switch in your parents focus to you (not fully but have you become less neglected by them during the excitement of the engagement?).

especially as he’s doing his level best to provoke and dress in a way that demonstrates his fetish to the world.

and before anyone comes at me, he’s clearly not living his “authentic best life” by dressing in the way OP describes. It’s a kink.

no you’re not being unreasonable OP to have the wedding where you want it and say your manipulative and mentally unstable brother (what if he self harms abroad in retaliation to something but goes too far?) can’t attend.

your mum could choose to get carers in if she wanted to really truly but you 1st for once. He’s adult not a baby.

I completely understand @Salitnan I too have a sibling with very complex, unusual needs whose behaviour in social situations can be very, very difficult to manage.

I also had my whole childhood centred around my sibling and their needs and wants. Unless you have been there, it is very difficult to understand how this can lead to an incredibly difficult sibling relationship.

Get married in your DP’s home country. Do not invite your brother. Enjoy your day and then have a small, family only event upon your return.

I’m so glad that you are in therapy. Your wedding is the start of your new
life with your DP. And it will inevitably raise difficult questions for you moving forward. Not least the issue of what happens to your brother once your parents can no longer care for him. This is where I am now. It’s very hard.

I'm totally intolerant of the trans ideology but this situation is different, he has a LD.

He should be included. No one died because a man wore a wig and lippy, we see it more and more and yes it is ridiculous. We don't have to like it or accept their pronouns but when it comes to a wedding a sibling should be invited!

Your brother certainly sounds more autistic than learning disabled. I have worked with people with learning disabilities for many years and very, very few, aside from some of the most able, identify as trans. Autistic people identifying as trans, on the other hand, are common. I think getting married abroad and celebrating separately with your family afterwards is reasonable in the circumstances. Alternatively, could just your mother come and your father stay home with your brother? Is his level of disability really so severe that he needs two carers round the clock?
In the longer term, you need to do everything you can to get your parents to involve adult social care now, with a view to forming a long term plan for his care after they are no longer here. If he refuses respite care now, it is going to be very difficult for him once your parents pass away. I have seen this in my work many times. It is kinder to your brother to get him used to staying with other people now, whilst he still has your parents’ support.

Honestly, sounds like the brother is a manipulative arsehole who enjoys making everyone dance to his tune. Even if he agreed to wear the OP's preferred dress as a bridesmaid, he'd find another way to make himself the centre of attention.

OP, ignore the holier-than-thou responses in this thread. You are absolutely allowed to have your wedding the way it suits you. It's a real shame if that means one or both parents can't attend, and it would be lovely to have a catch-up event in the UK afterwards, if you feel like it. But please do the wedding the way you want to - otherwise you might live with years of thinking "if only I'd put myself first for once..."

I would have two celebrations . First one at home so that your DM & DF can come to your real wedding then a separate party for your DH family & any other people who cannot tolerate your brother’s disability .
Unfortunately his behaviour seems to be part of his disability. People can be very cruel and if you feel uncomfortable or on edge regarding the reactions of others they then no doubt your parents would too .

I'm sure she'll ignore anything which doesn't validate her dislike of his transgender presentation. ETA I'm sure she doesn't need to be told which viewpoints to ignore.

There is a manipulative side that has really
come out recently. He has been hoarding clothes and junk in my parent’s house relating to his trans identity and other special interests. He self-harms if told no to buying junk and also self-harms when mum tries to clean his room or clean other rooms where he stores the junk. He recently had the gall to ask my mother “Why is our house a mess and not nice like other people’s.” Mum is utterly exhausted with it all. When my mum told me about this I told her that I had I been there when he’d have said that, I may not have been able
to bite my tongue and would’ve been inclined to point out that his hoarding contributes to the house being a shit tip.

Is it really the trans presentation or this particular highly sexualised presentation?

What are your parents' plans for care for your sibling when they are too old or ill to care for them and after their deaths? If your sibling refuses care from anyone except your parents, are they expecting you to take on your sibling's care at some point?

I think that it would be too stressful for everybody, you, your partner, your parents and your sibling, if your parents attended the overseas wedding with your sibling.

I agree with posters who have suggested that you have the main ceremony in your husband's country and another celebration at home in the UK.

Such a tricky situation and I sympathise with you OP. This is probably the best advise on the thread. Good luck with whatever you decide though! X

No idea but it might save her a load of bother if she just admits she finds him unacceptable and cuts all contact with him.

Yes this is something else that keeps
me awake at night, the future when my parents are too old or sick to care for him. I want to plan mine and my husband’s future and kids of our own, maybe living abroad etc, but thoughts of my brother’s future always interfere.

I got married without my grandmother there, and honestly I've regretted it every moment since especially after she passed away. It was really unkind of me and I was more focused about numbers than her feelings. I think you should try and make every effort to get your parents there, and talk them into a week of respite from your brother. It sounds like your poor Mum desperately needs it. Are there any family members who would step in?

Keep with your wedding plans op

Him. It is “HIM” not “they”

Not if he is going to manipulate the whole event to put himself front and
centre and ruin OP’s day.

What happens if he threatens to self harm if he is not allowed in the female toilets, what happens if he gets aggressive if someone correctly refers to him as he/him/man?

This is absolutely not about him having a learning difficulty. This is an abusive, controlling man who controls his parents and sisters life with his completely unreasonable demands.

Sounds like they have all been bullied, manipulated and coerced by him for years.

I know, apologies. I have a tendency to switch between the two. If I slip and call him “he” rather than “she” in front of him it becomes an utter nightmare for everyone present so I have a bad habit of calling him “they”.

You contact adult social services and start making plans for some type of care home for him. You deserve a future and especially one without fear, manipulation and bullying.

OP the first thing I want to say is you are allowed to have the wedding you and your fiance want. It sounds like you have spent your life having your needs put 2nd to your brothers.

Regarding your brother being trans the thing that stands out for me is HOW he represents dressing and presenting as a woman. OTT and overtly sexual. I would look at it as this would not be suitable for anyone to attend a wedding either female or trans.

I hope you get the wonderful day you deserve. Do not feel guilty about putting you and your future husbands wishes first 💐

My friend has a brother with a set of special needs (various conditions ). Her parents used to think they could leave the house to her and thwir cash and she'd care for her brother. She's basically told them now that she does not want a penny of inheritance and they should use it all to set up an appropriate fund to ensure he was cared for but she wouldn't be involved other than visiting from time to time.
You need to be absolutely unambiguous about this OP.

So you find his behaviour ok? That he is allowed to do what he wants or he’ll self harm so everyone has to dance to his selfish demands?
if he announces he’ll only come if he can wear a wedding dress, that has to happen?