To exclude sibling from wedding due to their lifestyle choice?

[Salitnan]

This will be incredibly identifying to anyone who knows my family and quite controversial but it’s such a bloody niche situation that nobody can relate to and it’s hugely stressing me out. I’m not writing this as ragebait or to troll, it is a genuine situation I am dealing with.

I’m getting married next year. My partner of 5 years is from a very traditional, right-wing Eastern European country. My partner however is very tolerant and chill, as are most of his immediate family who also live in Western countries.

We’ve decided to get married in his home country, as it’s very affordable there and we can have a beautiful package in an area of outstanding natural beauty, and he can invite his dear godparents who he adores (and they adore him) who are scared of flying.

This is all well and good but one of my family members is presenting an issue. My brother (who is an adult in their mid-20s) has a learning disability. This is not a problem, but in the past year they have come out as transgender. This has been a massive struggle for us as there were no signs previously and it came out of nowhere, and they have insisted they are going ahead with the transition and they self-harm if anyone misgenders them or politely reminds them of etiquette in public places regarding toilets, or wearing appropriate clothing for a social situation etc. It has been extremely hard work for my aging parents, he lives with them full time. The learning disability alongside being transgender makes them massively vulnerable and they get stared at in public and often started on when in the city centre by lads, and they aren’t aware of their vulnerability. They insist on dressing incredibly provocatively (wig and heels, provocative clothes) as they say they feel insecure otherwise, and when I have tried to explain to them that women don’t necessarily dress like that, they self-harm. They insult people in public, not to their face, they will say it to my mum (will whisper in her ear “he looks like a twat”), but sometimes people have overheard and started on him and my mum has had to explain about his disability and fend them off.

I’m already in therapy to deal with complex feelings towards them from how they dominate my parents lives and how I felt neglected as a child due to the focus on them and their vulnerabilities. The recent coming out as transgender has brought up a lot of old resentment I had towards him which I had buried, and I’m trying to have the therapy so that I can have a bond with him going forward, but I can’t help but feel a sort of anger at him, and I hate myself for it.

Back onto the wedding topic - I’ve realised I simply don’t want them at the wedding. My fiancé’s family are nice people and wouldn’t be a danger to my brother but many of my fiancé’s extended family members are from a small isolated village in a Catholic Eastern European country and he will be stared at like a hawk, whispered about. To he quite frank he will stick out like a sore thumb with his clothes and hair. As awful as it sounds I will be embarrassed by him and on edge, and won’t be able to enjoy my day. My partner says he’ll notify everyone in advance that my brother will be there and what to expect but I just really can’t be doing with the stress of it all. It’s not just family it’s the the staff in the hotel, other members of the public around who might be drinking, and they will need to stay in the country a few days around the ceremony so lots of opportunity for things to go wrong. They have severe social anxiety due to their learning disability and have been known to sneak alcohol as a way to deal with this and this further increases their vulnerability as they lose their filter and say their mind in front of people.

I did try to compromise and said to my mum I’d be happy to have them if if they would be willing to tone down their dress in order to come to the wedding - dropping the wig and toning down their clothes, but they have become angry at this suggestion and have refused.

I’ve told my mum it may be the case that I can’t invite them, and therefore my parents can’t come either as they are his carers. My mum says she understands and we can have a do later on back in the UK.

I just want my day to not be dominated by him. I also don’t want to have to change the wedding plans that me and my partner are happy with just to suit him. Am I an awful person?

OP explained that he won’t be looked after by others and in any case, who would do it? He’s a danger to himself and others. He held a knife to his father’s throat for misgendering him. He has an issue with long haired me and has left threatening notes. He insists on using the ladies toilets and turns nasty if people question it.

Are you being serious! Have you missed the bits about him being violent?

I don’t know who would do it, but my point still stands that regardless of him ‘refusing’ to be looked after by anyone else, his parents won’t be able to do it forever or even much longer, so he will need to get used to the idea of someone else anyway.

And if he is threatening people with a knife then the police need to be dealing with him.

Did you read any of the OP’s updates?? Socially inappropriate, threatening violence, issues around alcohol, rude comments, violently triggered by other people’s hairstyles, self harming when asked to conform, non-verbal except towards mother and occasionally OP, not able or willing to compromise?

how would that work in a bridal party? And what about the other bridesmaids? if OP even has bridesmaids.

This is not exclusively about OP’s brother preferring to dress in overly sexualised women’s clothes.

It’s about the brother’s behaviour in general and being unwilling (or incapable) to compromise. OP asked him to wear jeans (which are unisex) and a flowy top. It apparently didn’t go well…

Just heard from parents that they’ve had an incident today when he’s become stressed and upset as a worker in Tesco politely asked him and my mum how they were doing as they were having their stuff scanned at the tills. The Tesco worker had the nerve to be a man with long hair (which my brother despises) and now my brother is incredibly triggered by this and saying to my mum how angry he is about it all and how he wants men with long hair deleted from existence.

Oh Op I am so sorry. Your parents need to sort his long term care out as quickly as possible (and consider moving him into somewhere more suitable).

Please please make a referral to social services. The posters above referencing the awful Southport events are spot on about how much of a risk your brother is.

And please ignore the one poster who is determined to make you feel like shit 💐

I would honestly encourage your parents to contact GP or social services or whoever the right people are to advise of this inceasingly concerning behaviour and advise that they don’t feel safe caring for him anymore.

This. I agree @RedToothBrush's posts are absolutely spot on. The last update illustrates how this man poses a clear danger. All the signs are that he's escalating and the parents are clearly increasingly out of their depth with this situation.

A referral to Prevent is not considered a punitive response: it's there as an intervention strategy to deescalate situations precisely like this. This man needs help and care, and those around him need appropriate protection.

I'm sorry, OP.

He needs to be sectioned for his own good and definitely for your parents' well being.

@Salitnan is your brother under the Learning Disability Team in your area? In my area, the LD team has Psychiatrists, Psychologists, Nurses, OTs and SALTs. It sounds like your DS definitely needs psychology support, and possibly psychiatry support.

It would be so much better for him to have that support before he does something that brings him under the criminal justice system rather than the LD teams.

I’ve said that the men with long hair fixation is a concern and mum says it’s a pain but she doesn’t think he is actual a danger as 99% of the time he presents very sensitive and quiet and isn’t generally violent other than isolated incidents. She says “he hates violence”.
But I think the note left in the bathroom at the activity centre where he wrote down thoughts about what he wants to do to men with long hair is very concerning.

I am worried that there could be a “perfect storm” situation that will arise at some point. Maybe a family event or large social gathering where he is feeling on edge or stressed, has snuck some alcohol, and a man with long hair accidentally brushes past him in a crowd or politely talks to my family, and he could snap. Not even that he would necessarily murder someone (of course this should still be considered as a possibility by professionals) but even just screaming at the man or hitting them…

Exactly. OP, I know you were not asking for opinions about anything other than his attendance at your wedding, but as far as I can see you don’t seem to have addressed the issue of his care, either now or long-term, in your posts. Fair enough, but in my experience it’s so easy to just let things like this drift because change seems impossible - until there’s some kind of crisis, when everything has to be done in a rush and the best solution might not be available.

Everyone is bending over backwards to avoid upsetting him, but the result is that he is being pandered to and his unacceptable behaviour is being unchallenged.

Your parents may feel too guilty to accept that they can no longer be his carers, and it may need your input to get the topic discussed seriously.

It sounds like your parents are turning a blind eye to his behaviour. Does your mum not realise he could kill someone?

I think I'd be inclined to go over their heads, OP, difficult though I know this must be.

Even if your parents may not agree, this would be in everyone's best interests. Enabling this behaviour is to your brother's detriment, not least their own.

It's a horrible decision to be faced with and I feel for you.

Is it just towards men (as in actually grown, adult men) or also towards adolescents?

Either one is wrong and worrying (obviously!). But the risk would be even higher if he was also triggered by adolescents with long hair, I imagine.

This is an absolute mess. Is an anonymous tip off to adult social services possible wherever you live?

Interesting how this situation is seen by some posters that someone who is vulnerable/disabled is automatically seen as benign and virtually a victim to others.

I see this a lot on other threads where people who are disabled, usually the discussion is about ND are always shown as potential victims due to vulnerability whereas the reality is they can be both vulnerable AND a risk to others. We know that most perpetrators of crime are also victims of crime.

You can make a referral to Prevent OP

For me, there are concerns on several levels:

1. The impact of your brother's behaviour on innocent bystanders. Like it or not, a 6'2" male is going to seem inherently more menacing if they are ranting.
2. That he may become dysregulated and lose control, using more strength than he realises he has.
3. That his irrational hatred of men with long hair may evolve into action and he may deliberately intend to hurt someone.
4. That he'll make the wrong comment to the wrong person and he could then be seriously hurt by them.
5. That he'll gain a notoriety on social media (this has happened with someone in my area) but won't be able to do anything to change it.

Given my experience of people with LDs, it sounds like your brother is stuck between two worlds. He's able enough to cause havoc, but not able enough to appreciate the true extent of the havoc he's causing.

He needs people who can work out why he feels as he does (is it perhaps that men with long hair are breaking the rules of being a man, when he's kept the rules of 'being a woman', and that them having long hair but still accepting malehood somehow invalidates his efforts to be a good woman?) and to gently and persistently stretch his thought processes and bring him more towards rational thinking.

The threats towards other men are extremely concerning. It could go nowhere, it could lead to him being aggressive to someone and getting battered in response or he could seriously hurt someone. There is the potential of risk to life given his previous with a blade.

Your parents need to take this extremely seriously and talk to social services, the police and Prevent.

“The quiet ones are always the worst” ….

I suspect your parents know that he’s becoming increasingly dangerous, but they’re not able or willing to face the reality of this and take action. I do wonder if they’ve become so used to their lives and the family dynamic revolving around him that they actually fear this changing. The resistance to accessing outside support and changing the situation may be more about them than your brother.

He poses a very real danger to not just you and your parents, but to anyone around him. He could be putting himself in danger too, if he becomes aggressive with someone willing to respond in kind.

In your position, I would be inclined to go above their heads and report him myself. I would certainly not be putting myself directly in harms way by being around him at all.

That was my first fault. Why is this not being escalated? Has the social worker been made away? sorry I’ve breezed through most of the thread and I may have missed

I don't think Prevent will be appropriate. I think it's aimed more at extreme ideology. This seems to be more about men having long hair than about being men, or being gay, etc.

@Salitnan Do you want to make a new thread?

You need to escalate the issue with your brother, he needs help. Your parents are minimising it, but someone could get hurt and it wouldn't be good for him, either.