To exclude sibling from wedding due to their lifestyle choice?

[Salitnan]

This will be incredibly identifying to anyone who knows my family and quite controversial but it’s such a bloody niche situation that nobody can relate to and it’s hugely stressing me out. I’m not writing this as ragebait or to troll, it is a genuine situation I am dealing with.

I’m getting married next year. My partner of 5 years is from a very traditional, right-wing Eastern European country. My partner however is very tolerant and chill, as are most of his immediate family who also live in Western countries.

We’ve decided to get married in his home country, as it’s very affordable there and we can have a beautiful package in an area of outstanding natural beauty, and he can invite his dear godparents who he adores (and they adore him) who are scared of flying.

This is all well and good but one of my family members is presenting an issue. My brother (who is an adult in their mid-20s) has a learning disability. This is not a problem, but in the past year they have come out as transgender. This has been a massive struggle for us as there were no signs previously and it came out of nowhere, and they have insisted they are going ahead with the transition and they self-harm if anyone misgenders them or politely reminds them of etiquette in public places regarding toilets, or wearing appropriate clothing for a social situation etc. It has been extremely hard work for my aging parents, he lives with them full time. The learning disability alongside being transgender makes them massively vulnerable and they get stared at in public and often started on when in the city centre by lads, and they aren’t aware of their vulnerability. They insist on dressing incredibly provocatively (wig and heels, provocative clothes) as they say they feel insecure otherwise, and when I have tried to explain to them that women don’t necessarily dress like that, they self-harm. They insult people in public, not to their face, they will say it to my mum (will whisper in her ear “he looks like a twat”), but sometimes people have overheard and started on him and my mum has had to explain about his disability and fend them off.

I’m already in therapy to deal with complex feelings towards them from how they dominate my parents lives and how I felt neglected as a child due to the focus on them and their vulnerabilities. The recent coming out as transgender has brought up a lot of old resentment I had towards him which I had buried, and I’m trying to have the therapy so that I can have a bond with him going forward, but I can’t help but feel a sort of anger at him, and I hate myself for it.

Back onto the wedding topic - I’ve realised I simply don’t want them at the wedding. My fiancé’s family are nice people and wouldn’t be a danger to my brother but many of my fiancé’s extended family members are from a small isolated village in a Catholic Eastern European country and he will be stared at like a hawk, whispered about. To he quite frank he will stick out like a sore thumb with his clothes and hair. As awful as it sounds I will be embarrassed by him and on edge, and won’t be able to enjoy my day. My partner says he’ll notify everyone in advance that my brother will be there and what to expect but I just really can’t be doing with the stress of it all. It’s not just family it’s the the staff in the hotel, other members of the public around who might be drinking, and they will need to stay in the country a few days around the ceremony so lots of opportunity for things to go wrong. They have severe social anxiety due to their learning disability and have been known to sneak alcohol as a way to deal with this and this further increases their vulnerability as they lose their filter and say their mind in front of people.

I did try to compromise and said to my mum I’d be happy to have them if if they would be willing to tone down their dress in order to come to the wedding - dropping the wig and toning down their clothes, but they have become angry at this suggestion and have refused.

I’ve told my mum it may be the case that I can’t invite them, and therefore my parents can’t come either as they are his carers. My mum says she understands and we can have a do later on back in the UK.

I just want my day to not be dominated by him. I also don’t want to have to change the wedding plans that me and my partner are happy with just to suit him. Am I an awful person?

"People should be able to wear what they want" gets us men in giant comedy plastic tits , as teachers in classrooms.

People should take other people's feelings in to consideration before "expressing themselves" - or expressing what they like the idea of being - in their dress.

I would like to think homo sapiens is still a social species with an understanding of our mutual dependencies and mutual obligations, and not just a collection of individual egos. Hard to see how we will continue to succeed otherwise.

I would also consider it a celebration of a new part of your life, where your feelings and wishes count, and where things are centred on what you and your husband want, and eventually what your children want too. Yes, it is sad your Mum won't be there, but she has also centred your brother all your life and this is a side-affect. You can celebrate with her later so she will be included, this event just won't be all about your brother and his needs. I think you will have to take a stand on this at some point, otherwise this is what your life will be for ever more - all about him. Getting married seems like a good place to start a new way of relating to each other.

This, the “poor mum” has along with “poor dad” not really cared about their daughter with the fact that her whole life has been shoved down to meet the brothers demands.
Why on earth should she and her husband not have the wedding they want in order to meet what her brother selfish demands? And he seems quite happy enough to be nasty about others appearance. will whisper in her ear “he looks like a twat”- maybe just say that’s why he’s not invited. “Because you look like a twat”.
Are your parents taking him shopping to buy these sexualised clothing or is he able to do this independently @Salitnan

Why are you asking about it on here? Genuine question. The answer will reveal how you feel about not inviting him I think.

This.

"And the people staring at someone with a learning disability are the ones to exclude surely."

I agree.

Exactly this. If he refuses respite care then what’s the long term plan for him? Your parents won’t be able to look after him forever and you need to be clear with any professionals involved if you do not want to take over his care and support. I feel for you, I really do.

He’s clearly a lot more capable than he lets on them and is manipulative and doesn’t have learning disabilities he has learning difficulties. Quite a different thing and there’s no reason he can’t work he just chooses not to and is controlling all his family to dance to his tune! How much work have your parents put in to manage his behaviour or does everything just get explained away by his “disabilities?” This is a lot more common than you think. If your parents died suddenly and you refused to take on any responsibility for him you’d be amazed at how much he could manage by himself as well as manipulate other people to do for him. The self harming when he doesn’t get his own way is manipulative and should have been stopped at the start!

I’m really against destination weddings anyway - I think it’s unfair that loved ones have to spend so much money just because they want to attend a wedding or they have to miss out on a once in a lifetime event.

But surely this would be a perfect reasons as why you should have 2 smaller ceremonies.

Have 1 in his country with his family.
And 1 in your country with your family.

Then you will have none of the concern and actually be able to have your parents there.

I don’t think he should dictate he won’t accept respite care. This needs to be addressed as a matter of urgency as soon he will need an alternative as your parents won’t be healthy enough any more. Plans need to be put in place now.

It sounds like your whole life has been a compromise to him, it is perfectly reasonable to have a wedding without disturbance.

Well it doesn't appear that the learning disability will offend the in laws but being transgender will.

How exactly do you think the parents should have handled the situation? Do you think they have deliberately neglected OP?
Regarding the wedding I would go with having a second small ceremony at home with a very nice meal out for a few selected guests. I think if your parents came to the wedding abroad with your brother they would find it extremely stressful. Make a bit of a fuss of your Mum for the smaller ceremony, choosing clothes etc.
More generally I think your parents should request Carer’s assessments and your Mum should visit her GP. Your brother’s refusal to accept outside help can’t continue to totally dominate their lives and he needs to start to get to know other people and environments so there’s something in place should one of your parents become ill.

Its not a "destination wedding"
its her fiance's home base

and its entirely normal to have two parties one in each country
for mixed national couples

none of which makes the OP's brother's behaviour acceptable.

No, you’re not an awful person.

Your wedding day is about you and your partner making promises to each other, surrounded by the people you choose, in the way that feels right for you both. It is not unreasonable to want the day to feel calm, joyful and focused on your marriage rather than dominated by someone else’s needs, feelings or identity.

Being kind does not mean handing over control of your own wedding. You can be respectful without rearranging plans you and your partner are genuinely happy with. Boundaries are not cruelty; they are often what allow everyone to know where they stand.

I would keep it simple and factual: “These are the plans we have chosen and we are not changing them.” You do not need to over-explain, justify or get drawn into a long emotional debate.

As someone who is gender critical, I also think it is perfectly legitimate to recognise that other people’s choices or identities do not automatically override your own boundaries, comfort or family event. You are allowed to prioritise your marriage, your day and your peace.

So no, you are not awful. You sound like someone trying very hard not to be unkind while also not letting your wedding be taken over.

Can you make them a bridesmaid? At least you get to influence the dress!

You say he refuses respite care but this is the perfect time to force that issue. Your brother needs to be able to accept some additional support. There’s going to come a time when your parents are no longer around, what will happen to your brother then?
Getting him used to and accepting support from outside the family needs to happen while your parents are alive and well, so that when they are not, things are already in place.
If your wedding isn’t until next year you have time to work this up - day visits to a day care centre, working up to weekend stays, working up to a week.
I’m not saying he should be moved out and living somewhere else permanently, but it’s in his interest to be comfortable in a place other than your parents home, with people other than your parents.
You need to have a frank and likely difficult conversation with your parents about this. The transgenderism is a distraction, the real issue is that your parents can never be away from your brother - that’s not good for any of them.

There isn’t a magic wand that’s going to give you the wedding you want with all of both your families present.

I’d suggest you have two ceremonies and celebrations, one in each country. It’s what I did for various family reasons.

How would that feel? Would you feel resentful, or able to view it as a pragmatic solution?

It sounds like your wedding is bringing to the fore the resentment you’ve (quite fairly) had for a lot of your life. It would be a shame if that spoilt your wedding.

The way they dress is a choice. I have tried to explain to them that they don’t need to wear a ridiculous wig, high heels and lace to portray themselves as a woman, and they started self-harming themselves in front of me so that shut down that line of conversation immediately as I didn’t want him to continue to hurt himself. There is no compromise with him. He has already made it clear he won’t be toning down the dress sense for the wedding. I find the way he dresses to be a mockery of women and insulting, and I struggle to just let that go because “he’s got a learning disability”.

i had a much better relationship with him before the transgender stuff started and used to take him out of days out related to his special interest. The trans stuff has brought out a really nasty, entitled side to him. It’s knocked the whole family for six

I wouldn't ditch my family to facilitate a wedding in a conservative country who's values I don't agree with. Even if it is cheap and pretty.

You can't have him at your wedding. No way in Hell. Actions have consequences, and one of them is it would be wildly inappropriate, not to mention probably dangerous, to have this person there.

I'm so sad that your parents can't attend your wedding. Is there literally no one who could care for your brother whilst your parents attend your wedding. Its heartbreaking that one person can create such difficulties

This. You shouod have had 2 dos, then the one with LD couod go and the ones 'too poor to travel' could go too.

Your poor dm, is she upset by any if this or is she used to being the bottom of everyone's list of considerations?

I was wondering this.
I think you are reasonable to say that they can't go to the wedding as it would create a lot of issues especially if it's a country that does not recognise transgender individuals so basically they'd be angry as they wouldn't be able to do what they wished. I think you could impose a dress code for the wedding but it all sounds too stressful for your parents and everyone if they attend

So it's your wedding and your guest list. You're not obliged to invite anyone at all you dont want to have there and certainly not someone who is likely to make the day difficult.

BOOM

i had a much better relationship with him before the transgender stuff started and used to take him out of days out related to his special interest. The trans stuff has brought out a really nasty, entitled side to him. It’s knocked the whole family for six

He is jealous because once you are married your husband will take priority over him in your life

this is ALL a power play
your parents need to sort it out while they are still healthy enough