To exclude sibling from wedding due to their lifestyle choice?

[Salitnan]

This will be incredibly identifying to anyone who knows my family and quite controversial but it’s such a bloody niche situation that nobody can relate to and it’s hugely stressing me out. I’m not writing this as ragebait or to troll, it is a genuine situation I am dealing with.

I’m getting married next year. My partner of 5 years is from a very traditional, right-wing Eastern European country. My partner however is very tolerant and chill, as are most of his immediate family who also live in Western countries.

We’ve decided to get married in his home country, as it’s very affordable there and we can have a beautiful package in an area of outstanding natural beauty, and he can invite his dear godparents who he adores (and they adore him) who are scared of flying.

This is all well and good but one of my family members is presenting an issue. My brother (who is an adult in their mid-20s) has a learning disability. This is not a problem, but in the past year they have come out as transgender. This has been a massive struggle for us as there were no signs previously and it came out of nowhere, and they have insisted they are going ahead with the transition and they self-harm if anyone misgenders them or politely reminds them of etiquette in public places regarding toilets, or wearing appropriate clothing for a social situation etc. It has been extremely hard work for my aging parents, he lives with them full time. The learning disability alongside being transgender makes them massively vulnerable and they get stared at in public and often started on when in the city centre by lads, and they aren’t aware of their vulnerability. They insist on dressing incredibly provocatively (wig and heels, provocative clothes) as they say they feel insecure otherwise, and when I have tried to explain to them that women don’t necessarily dress like that, they self-harm. They insult people in public, not to their face, they will say it to my mum (will whisper in her ear “he looks like a twat”), but sometimes people have overheard and started on him and my mum has had to explain about his disability and fend them off.

I’m already in therapy to deal with complex feelings towards them from how they dominate my parents lives and how I felt neglected as a child due to the focus on them and their vulnerabilities. The recent coming out as transgender has brought up a lot of old resentment I had towards him which I had buried, and I’m trying to have the therapy so that I can have a bond with him going forward, but I can’t help but feel a sort of anger at him, and I hate myself for it.

Back onto the wedding topic - I’ve realised I simply don’t want them at the wedding. My fiancé’s family are nice people and wouldn’t be a danger to my brother but many of my fiancé’s extended family members are from a small isolated village in a Catholic Eastern European country and he will be stared at like a hawk, whispered about. To he quite frank he will stick out like a sore thumb with his clothes and hair. As awful as it sounds I will be embarrassed by him and on edge, and won’t be able to enjoy my day. My partner says he’ll notify everyone in advance that my brother will be there and what to expect but I just really can’t be doing with the stress of it all. It’s not just family it’s the the staff in the hotel, other members of the public around who might be drinking, and they will need to stay in the country a few days around the ceremony so lots of opportunity for things to go wrong. They have severe social anxiety due to their learning disability and have been known to sneak alcohol as a way to deal with this and this further increases their vulnerability as they lose their filter and say their mind in front of people.

I did try to compromise and said to my mum I’d be happy to have them if if they would be willing to tone down their dress in order to come to the wedding - dropping the wig and toning down their clothes, but they have become angry at this suggestion and have refused.

I’ve told my mum it may be the case that I can’t invite them, and therefore my parents can’t come either as they are his carers. My mum says she understands and we can have a do later on back in the UK.

I just want my day to not be dominated by him. I also don’t want to have to change the wedding plans that me and my partner are happy with just to suit him. Am I an awful person?

@Salitnan i would approach it from the angle ( with parents first) that it would be very unsafe for him to go there (and it’s true) it might have legal and physical implications as he might be bitten.
So I would go for two celebrations as someone suggested one there and one in UK.

does he manage to work? Social care?

Have your wedding how you want it, OP. Then do something in the UK that can include your immediate family and be more suitable for everyone there.

I am not sure what kind of disability your sibling has or what awareness he has of his behaviour, but he seems determined to manufacture outrage with his attire and conduct, so travel to another country would be stressful all round - if even possible.

Many friends of mine have family in different countries and have had two celebrations to accommodate that, nobody was put out because of it.

We have a disabled family member. There is not a chance anyone close to them would choose a wedding venue that would cause any challenges to an already difficult situation.

Please consider your dm's feelings. Get married where she can attend with your db in comfort than pop to the place of 'outstanding natural beauty' later. Honeymoon maybe?

But isn't it all planned and everything now though? Poor you OP what a horrible situation i hope atleast one of your parents can make it - Don't invite your brother.

People with learning disabilities can be just as manipulative as those without and unfortunately your parents have caused this by letting your brother get away with everything and explaining it away by the “learning difficulties” banner. There is NO way this behaviour is caused by LD it is simply being allowed to do and say what he wants and not being told off by and parented when he was a child and this manipulative blackmailing of harming himself when he doesn’t get his own way? Your parents should have sorted that out VERY quickly! Don’t allow him to blackmail you and tell your parents it’s their choice to not attend your wedding as clearly they could but are allowing their son to yet again control what they do by not allowing them to go!

The mother has brought this on herself due to treating the son like This and allowing him to get away with everything HE wants to
do!!

It would appear your parents have allowed your brother to utterly trample over their lives and your life. They have failed you

Many of my partner’s extended family members in the home country can’t travel due to not having passports, being in poverty, fear of flying etc. If we change the wedding to suit my brother they all miss out and they love my partner and weddings are a huge thing in my partner’s family, he’s been to all of his cousin’s weddings and played a big part.

I don’t want to take that away from my partner just to suit my unique family situation.

Every single bloody family event always has to be adapted to my brother’s needs. It’s not fair on my partner to expect him to bin off the wedding he wants with his family.

My partner’s home country where we are getting married is a really gorgeous Balkan country and I’m actually really excited to get married there. I’m not doing it just for my partner.

Don't invite them. Have a celebration with your parents when you get back. As you say, they wouldn't relax anyway. It would be an ordeal for them. It is your day and you are entitled to enjoy it.

People suggesting "don't invite people who will stare" are not exactly being realistic given ones lack of knowledge and control over whom dps parents are likely to invite, cultural differences, venue staff etc.

Quite honestly it sounds as though this chap would be stared at in Brighton or Bristol never mind (for the sake of argument) Belgrade, so OP I think you should ignore those pious remarks.

Your brother is an entitled bloke revelling in his power over you.
DO NOT let him ruin your wedding.

Inform your parents that if they want to come they need to organise respite care for him in the UK.

Otherwise agree that you will have dinner with them on your return.

The scenery and the package by the sound of it. And not offending the sensibilities of the fiancé's family.

Wouldn't it be a bit strange to have a wedding without your own family there?

Did his closest family meet your parents and your siblings?

I wouldn’t feel offended by a sibling’s choice of clothes. People should be able to wear what they want, and it’s their behaviour that matters not their outfit.

If the issue is aggression or situation escalating, that’s a completely different story -and it’s understandable that you’d want to avoid that on your wedding day.

It's ok to say it's what you want too, it sounds like because of the disabilities you've had to put your brother first a lot as have your parents, your wedding is about you not him. Don't change what you want because of him. Most guests understand there is a dress code at a wedding, and one in a traditional Catholic country will be conservative, it's sounds like he's not willing to go with that, therefore can't come. His other behaviours also sound antagonistic and likely to cause trouble.
Could one of your parents come and the other stay home with him if he refuses respite? I really feel for you.

Why are her fiancé's family also not important? She's not having a destination wedding in the trad sense but one in her partner's home country. For once, she deserves to have something that's not putting her brother first.

He sounds like a nightmare, OP. Sympathies.

Staggering isn't it. Those with learning difficulties just a bit too embarrassing and challenging it seems, particularly when the scenery is so nice for the pics.

Except he isn’t the only family member we have to consider. There is a dozen on my partner’s side of the family who need the wedding to be in that country due to severe financial issues (it’s a poor country) preventing them from travel. They matter too.

He’s been told he can come if he doesn’t dress provocatively and he has responded in anger and stressed out my mum. I feel that if they have the capacity to declare themselves as transgender, they should also be expected to adapt to the complications that this causes. They can’t have it both ways.

Nonsense! Why on earths should OP arrange her wedding to accommodate this intentionally difficult person??

I also have personal experience of a SEN sibling dominating my parents lives from childhood and into adulthood and I’m also angry. That’s pretty normal I’d say. But it’s not your job to save your mum. She could put things in place if she wanted to; that’s her cross to bear (or not) and thinking of her as a victim like that isn’t helpful in my opinion. As I say, similar situation and I’ve been in therapy for it too.

LD aside, your brother sounds like an arsehole and your parents sound crushed by FOG. Wanting one day to yourself is not unreasonable, when your brother has been controlling and dominating family life for years. Have a smaller UK ceremony after the big day, so your parents can feel as if they have had a part in your wedding, but if he ruins it, you won't feel like your actual wedding was ruined by him.

I’d do the wedding in your partner’s home country, and then some sort of event here either before or after. This is what I’d suggest regardless of your brother, because not everyone can attend a destination wedding anyway, for a variety of reasons.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with getting married in your partner’s home country. Most couples I know who live in one person’s home country get married in the other, because they think that, day to day, obviously they don’t spend as much time there, or see the family there as much. I mean, I don’t think you have to get married there, but I don’t there’s anything remotely wrong with it.

Regardless of your wedding this situation does not sound sustainable - what if something happened to your mum OP?

And it is not the learning disability that is the problem. There’s people in my partner’s family with autism who will be there. That is not at all my concern. It is the being transgender, and their learning disability preventing them from then understanding what is appropriate behaviour in regards to this, that has lead to this nightmare.

Are you going to have any family there OP?

All this nonsense from your brother and terrible behaviour has been utterly indulged by your parents.