AIBU to expect my ex to tell me about overnight trips?

[Bluedeep]

Am I justified or overreacting?
My DS is 4 and starting school in September. My ex is married with a 1 year old DS and has our son Thursday morning until Sunday morning every week. My DS SM is due to end her maternity in a few weeks.

I have just picked him up and he was telling me they went to Drayton Manor for the weekend to meet Thomas and stayed in a Thomas themed room at the hotel. I asked my ex about it and he said they did and had a great time. They left on Thursday morning and stayed in the hotel Thursday and Friday night as a little treat for DS and his sister before his wife goes back to work.
Drayton Manor is about 3 and a half hours drive from where we live.

I was so angry at my ex, telling him he should not be taking my DS away overnight without asking permission first. My ex did not agree and has said as his dad he is free to make plans on his days.

I just don’t agree and think he should be asking me before doing anything like driving so far away. I had a similar reaction a year ago when I found out he had driven to Cadbury World for the day and didn’t tell me.

Am I in the right or am I overreacting?

He doesn't need your permission. It would be polite to let you know however, given your rather extreme reaction to a lovely weekend away I can see why he chose not to tell you.

Your son isn't too young for a trip away. Children go on holidays from any age including newborns.

I'd be pleased that your child's dad is being a good father and taking an interest in his son and giving him nice experiences.

Agreed. This ‘main parent’ narrative is a nonsense. If anything the law classes it as resident and non resident parent.

When DS goes to school, exH be doing more parenting anyways. Astonished you think exH should have told you what he was doing on his weekend.

Then his dad will take care of him, like he already does for the majority of the time anyway.

What rubbish. If OP wanted to take her son away for a night, should her ex be able to put a stop to it?

You are not the main parent,you are both equal.

Ridiculous. Overnight trips, especially the type he’s done, is beyond exciting at his age.

I suspect what is going on here is that you’re jealous of the trip and how much your DS enjoyed it

Ok go to court then since you think being the main parent gives you control.

YABVVVVVU and need to unclench

You aren’t the “maon parent” (not that it exists) when his dad has him from Thur school pick up to Sunday evening and you have him Sunday evening to Thursday drop off. So technically you have 4 nights and he had 3 but he’s got far far more time with DS than you do. You have Sunday wind down from weekend baths and getting ready for school then 4 mornings breakfast school run (not long or quality time) and 3 post school evenings (again not much time if homework after school activities baths etc). His dad has him two school pick ups and one school drop off (so still involved in the school side) and the relaxing Friday evenings (always nicer evenings after school week!) and full Saturday and Sunday to teatime aka all the quality hours with primary aged kids to do fun family stuff.

I’m actually quite shocked you are okay with that arrangement as you are missing a huge chunk of your child’s life. I wouldn’t want to miss out on weekends like that. Be bad enough having only half of them if coparenting but to have none at all - nope not happening.

You don’t need to give your ex permission to do things with your son. You seriously out of order being negative about things like this. You will taint your DSs enjoyment of these experiences and he’ll start to downplay them as hell kjow you’ll get angry. It’s going to ruin his childhood. Your ex and his partner planned this weekend FOR YOUR SON they didn’t go to Thomas world for their benefit and I’m pretty sure not for their one year old either. They could have taken a one year old on any adult weekend trip and they’d have got the same out of it. This was a trip purely for your son and for him and his little sister to have shared family experiences. Such a shame you acted negatively. I do get the upset at not knowing where your child is. The only way to resolve this is to issue a huge apology to your ex. Explain you get frightens realising you didn’t know son was away but understand he cns go anywhere he likes but in future if he could tell you if away do weekend youd appreciate it and then say how much son talked about it and how much he’s clearly enjoyed himself.

Nah she's not going to, she's convinced that she's the main parent which gives her some special control and power.

Get some help for your anxiety and control issues, or your son will want to be with his relaxed, fun parent full time, as soon as he’s able to choose!

Is this a wind up? Not old enough for over night trips? Main parent, he's at his dad's nearly as much as he's with you.

You don't own your child, they are a human being with two parents who have an equal right to raise them as they wish.

Ideally, you remain on good times and communicate with each other.

But that is just politeness, it's not an obligation. If your child is with your co-parent and under their care, it is up to your co-parent where they want to go and what they want to do.

You are not the main parent he has him for half the week 🤷‍♀️

Just be grateful you have a dad that wants to do things with his son and be an equal parent

are you for real? Too young for overnight trips! You just sound jealous that his dad has done something lovely with him.

Your ex needs to be getting maintenance from you considering he looks after him far more than you.

YABU and I hope this isn't real.

Doesnt he see the child more than you, thus making him the "main parent"?

So too young for a holiday? What a strange attitude.

I think that your opinion that he’s too young for overnight stays is very unusual and most people travel with babies and kids . Many kids will be used to overnights because family don’t live locally or they go on holidays and weekends away to travel and explore. Travelling might not be for you but it’s fun for many.

If your child being with dad makes you anxious then he’s done you a favour not telling you about this and any previous trips that they’ve done. He might not be majority parent but legally he’s an equal parent and it’s up to him what they do on his days and it sounds like he picked a fun thing to do with ds.

Is it possible that you’re annoyed because you text ex your plans and as a result feel like he should do the same with you? Or could thus be about not being the first to take ds on an overnight trip?

What nonsense! You sound jealous and petty OP. Your ex doesn't need your permission, he is the child's parent just as you are. A child is not a possession.

That’s your thoughts, which are not shared by the child’s father!

You parent how you like, he parents how he likes.

I bet your DS wouldn’t say he was unsettled, I bet he had a great time.

You sound jealous to be honest.

What defines you as the "main parent" in your eyes?

If your ex was absent in your child's life for a long period and suddenly turned up, that status would be legitimate. But it sounds like you co-parent, which makes you EQUALS.

You sound like a nightmare TBH.

he has him 3 nights a week. Almost 50/50 so are you the main parent. What do you mean he’s too young for overnight trips ? Of course he’s not. Without a parent maybe but he was with his Dad. Have you really never taken him away? That’s more odd.

The 'main' parent? 🤨 imo regardless of how time is split, unless there are known welfare issues/court orders, neither parent is the 'main' one. He is right, on his time he is free to parent and make plans without your say so, as are you without his. The exception is going abroad where obviously parental consent is needed. Courts would say the same thing.

If you are anxious/worried then just approach it calmly with your ex and ask if you can agree on a parenting plan where you will make each other aware of certain things - he doesnt have to but he may agree as part ofa positive co parenting plan. Describing yourself as the main parent though will likely come across as quite hostile so I would recommend framing it more carefully/thoughtfully.