AIBU to expect my ex to tell me about overnight trips?

[Bluedeep]

Am I justified or overreacting?
My DS is 4 and starting school in September. My ex is married with a 1 year old DS and has our son Thursday morning until Sunday morning every week. My DS SM is due to end her maternity in a few weeks.

I have just picked him up and he was telling me they went to Drayton Manor for the weekend to meet Thomas and stayed in a Thomas themed room at the hotel. I asked my ex about it and he said they did and had a great time. They left on Thursday morning and stayed in the hotel Thursday and Friday night as a little treat for DS and his sister before his wife goes back to work.
Drayton Manor is about 3 and a half hours drive from where we live.

I was so angry at my ex, telling him he should not be taking my DS away overnight without asking permission first. My ex did not agree and has said as his dad he is free to make plans on his days.

I just don’t agree and think he should be asking me before doing anything like driving so far away. I had a similar reaction a year ago when I found out he had driven to Cadbury World for the day and didn’t tell me.

Am I in the right or am I overreacting?

Yoh have absolutely no say in what he does on his time with his son.

i also don't get why you were angry about it ? He had a great time

It feels like your concerns stem from anxiety about not being able to help your child if they needed you?

it is important to understand and accept that you are not the main parent. You are the resident parent, your responsibility is exactly equal to his father and you decide each what you do when your son is in your care. Provided there is nothing unsafe going on (which a family holiday to Thomas land doesn’t sound like anything of the sort) then you don’t have any grounds to attempt dictate anything.

no court is going to back you up on this either, it sounds like you would benefit from some counselling or support to help you cope with these times where you maybe feel out of control like this?

It's only a ridiculous one if the child is being neglected or unhappy

What a bizarre take on it all, the OP is clearly ghastly why would anyone want her around them ?

Too young at 4 to go away on an overnight trip with his father? Sorry, but I think that's quite strange. I was taking my son away at 6 months old to visit relatives etc.

Hmm you don't know how long ago the op and her ex split. Maybe the child was only a baby and doesn't actually remember his parents being together

And gaining a sibling at age 2-3 is pretty average is say.

And why hell would the op be going to the thomas thing with ex and his family That's just weird. The child spends half his life with his father. It's not as though he's a stranger

No, he sends child maintenance because your son is with you slightly more than he is with you. In the eyes of the law you are certainly equal parents. For example, if there was a dispute about which school your son goes to, your wishes wouldn't automatically override his.

You are out of line. But I understand your anxiety. Sort of.

I would actually apologise. I'd do that and then ask, simply out of courtesy, if ex could please let you know when he takes DS away anywhere overnight. I think you have a right to know where your child is but ex does not need your permission. I'd be livid with you.

I also noticed that. 😅

It would be good form to let you know if they’re going away, but he doesn’t need your ‘permission’, OP. And after you kicked off about the day trip to the well-known gateway drug that is Cadbury’s World, I don’t blame him for keeping schtum.

All that’s going to happen is your son will learn to be very circumspect in what he tells you.

He does not need your permission , do you ask your ex what you can do or where you can go? ..

Yep 👍

How are you the main parent? You said ex has him Thursday to Sunday every week? That's 50/50. However, I do think he should let you know if they're travelling far away, I don't think he needs your permission, but it would be reasonable for him to mention it, should there be any emergencies.

My oldest drove a full sized train aged 4, Thomas Land is tame by comparison!

My ex never mentioned it

You are being unreasonable. He took him to a childs theme park - not a brothel. Be thankful your child has a good caring dad in his life who didn't think oh it'll be easier/cheaper to do a trip without my child.

This has "my kid is my whole world" vibes, except at the weekends of course.

This is another one of those wind up posts isn't it? Nobody can be this unreasonable?

Posts like this make me really sad! You have a father who is proactive and doing things that are child focused and making the most of the time he spends with his child. He's not justdoing the bear minimum!!
You need to be careful that you don't come across as controlling, you have no more rights of the child than the father.
You have many years of co parenting be careful that you don't start something that snow balls out of control. Also be honest with yourself about why this bothers you, is there a level of jealousy in it?

It doesn't matter who the child spends most nights with, unless removed by a judge both parents have equal parental responsibility and are equally responsible for the child, including making all decisions about their care, health, schooling, etc.

You don't get 'dibs' because you have the child stay at yours for a few more nights.

Your ex pays child support to even out costs for the child, not because you are in charge and the 'main' parent 🙄

Your child isn't a pawn to be used to get at your ex. His childhood is going to be long and difficult if you're going to pick fights with your ex about every little thing you can't control.

Oh you haven't met my husbands ex! 🙄

It's so bizarre to entrust your child to their own father, the man you chose to impregnate you? What sort of nonsense is this? Can OP's ex decide he doesn't want to entrust his son with OP?

YABU to have had a baby with a man who you deem not responsible enough to take his child on a 3-hr car journey to a theme park. He’s not capable of taking a child to a hotel, yet you chose to have a baby with him?

You each could afford more disclosure, in the interests of knowing approx where your child is in case of emergency. It would. be polite to inform each other if you go away for a few days. It is not essential, however.

Your son has two parents, you aren’t “the main” one.

sounds like his dad did a lovely thing for him, I’m quite sure it wasn’t for his own benefit to stay in a Thomas the Tank engine hotel.

He doesn’t have to ask your permission to do nice stuff with his own child in his own parenting time.

This makes me sad, firstly because the OP doesn't spend any weekend with her child and secondly because this is exactly how my brother's ex wife was. Needed her weekend time to relax but was a complete control freak about what he did with the children when he had them. Fast forward a few years the kids are now 15 and 20, they have a great relationship with their Dad and tolerate their Mum!

This only works where the parents are reasonable people and willing to co-parent. Given the OP has a controlling nature and has issues with her ex doing lovely things with their child, I'm not sure it'd work. Imagine the conversation "Hey OP, just as an FYI we are heading to Drayton Manor for the weekend with DC" and OP goes off on one causing stress for no reason