AIBU to expect my ex to tell me about overnight trips?

[Bluedeep]

Am I justified or overreacting?
My DS is 4 and starting school in September. My ex is married with a 1 year old DS and has our son Thursday morning until Sunday morning every week. My DS SM is due to end her maternity in a few weeks.

I have just picked him up and he was telling me they went to Drayton Manor for the weekend to meet Thomas and stayed in a Thomas themed room at the hotel. I asked my ex about it and he said they did and had a great time. They left on Thursday morning and stayed in the hotel Thursday and Friday night as a little treat for DS and his sister before his wife goes back to work.
Drayton Manor is about 3 and a half hours drive from where we live.

I was so angry at my ex, telling him he should not be taking my DS away overnight without asking permission first. My ex did not agree and has said as his dad he is free to make plans on his days.

I just don’t agree and think he should be asking me before doing anything like driving so far away. I had a similar reaction a year ago when I found out he had driven to Cadbury World for the day and didn’t tell me.

Am I in the right or am I overreacting?

This!

Your analogy is ridiculous!If the DF wants to take him away, he can, if that’s to Drayton Manor or hiking in Scotland it’s irrelevant (assuming it’s safe), why would you want an ongoing battle about what can or cannot be done with someone so unreasonable that they don’t want the child to go to a child centric day, because they don’t think it’s appropriate? I mean what could possibly be more appropriate for a child than a visit to Drayton Manor.

You can’t reason with crazy, so why would you bother trying?

The terrible accident involving their son would happen if OP knows or not, why do you think knowing they were going to Drayton Manor and her objecting would stop in happening?

Of course yabvu

I don’t think he needs to ask your permission at all. I do think you should know though, as his mother, you should know where your child is.

4 is not too young for overnight stays. My daughter is 3 1/2 and we’ve been away for 1-3 nights away several times.

Your ex is not a babysitter, he is a coparent to your shared child. He doesn’t need your permission to take said child on a family trip. Legally or morally. Maybe he might have mentioned it to you before in conversation with you, if you were a reasonable person, but you’re clearly not. You kicked off about a day trip to cadburys world not long ago.

More honey less vinegar. You will be co-parenting your child for many many years.

I would want to know where my child was. Especially at four.
I dont know what the answer is but I don’t think co parenting that we have as a modern society works well for young children. It’s so bizarre to have to entrust your child - your most precious thing - to someone, without any intervention on your part, to someone you don’t really trust. The end of a relationship sort of means by definition that the trust bond is broken so how on earth you then go forward as two independent parents I don’t know. I think there’s not much time between your son and the new baby either tbh. That’s shit from your ex. I have a 4yo and all this happening when he is 2-3 would be super disruptive for him. I suspect his dad is quite unaware of that based on that he’s clearly (married?) had another baby pretty quickly. I agree that he sounds irresponsible but not entirely for the same reasons you give in your post. I think actually you should’ve gone with them to the Thomas thing. That would have been the most beneficial for your son at 4. Requires a lot of maturity from a adults involved when they are this young imo.

You’re being unreasonable but I wonder if these feelings are pangs of jealousy that you’re not there during these “happy” moments for your son which honestly, I’d understand feeling left out but

You are being unreasonable
Your DS is not too little for overnight stays at 4
Your ex doesn’t need permission from you or the go ahead on plans during his allocated time

I couldn’t begrudge my little one of a good time, I’m sure he had a lot of fun. Ex obviously did it for your joint DS as his other son is too little, I think you’re being mean x

OP are you annoyed at him, or a bit annoyed at yourself and you're projecting? You've never taken him away because you think hes too young. Are you upset that your ex has taken away a special "first" from you?

You're absolutely still being unreasonable- but im just trying to understand and place the feelings.

You think that dad, new partner & baby should've taken mum with them?
But sorry it's madness.

What an absolute bastard he is. A monster of a man, taking his son to do fun things like that.

You surely know you're being ridiculous, no? He doesn't need to ask your permission. He's your son's legal parent and has every right that you have. 4 is absolutely not too young for overnight stays either.

At some point you're going to have to grow up and accept that you cannot control your ex, and nor should you. Be happy that he and your son have a good relationship and that your son is a part of his new family, is loved and is safe.

Why does he need permission...he is your son's dad. Do you ask permission to take your son places too. That's silly. It be nice to know but he doesn't need to ask permission

You are being ridiculous, it would be nice for him to let you know but I can see why he didn’t if you have reacted this way.

4 isn’t too young to go away for the night, sounds like they planned it around your son.

This is not a view held by many. You are upset that you don’t have control over all the decisions made for your child. I can appreciate that you do find that difficult.
in your situation you cannot have full control. It would be ideal to be informed in advance but your reaction has probably meant you won’t be informed. He does not need to ask your permission. Your child is happy. That’s good.

This isn’t the point of the post but just worth noting re “and I get time to relax with my partner” - he gets no time to relax, he’s working 3 x 12 hour days and then has a couple of hours before he’s on with two kids. You have 4 nights but he has 3 that are much more full on. In the eyes of the law you are “main” as you have more nights but I’d say he’s got what can be a much harder stint. Weekend days with kids are fun but they are long.

I’m divorced and my ex is an arse (otherwise we wouldn’t be divorced) but I do not expect him to ask “permission” to take the kids somewhere in the UK overnight. We do inform each other out of courtesy if we are taking the kids away but permission is not required. I suspect your attitude is why your ex did not inform you before. You cannot stop your child going away for the night in the UK and more importantly it is not in his best interests to do so. Think of your child, not yourself.

It’s neither here nor there that you are the “main parent” you both share equal parental responsibility and therefore what your child father does in his contact time has nothing to do with you.

Essentially and most importantly UK law supports this, that both parents, can each make day to day independent decisions during their own contact time, as the child’s father he does not need to seek permission from you as to what he does during his contact time.

It’s neither here nor there that you are the “main parent” you both share equal parental responsibility and therefore what your sons father does in his contact time has nothing to do with you and nor does he need to seek permission from you to have fun with his own son.

YAABU!

Instead of complaining you should be pleased that your ex has a good relationship with his DC. Some men walk away without a backward glance. You son is happy, he has a great Dad. Stop behaving like the psycho ex

He has done nothing wrong at all.

OP, you are both equal parents, there is no such thing as "custody" or "main parent" - you are classed as "resident parent" but even then its just to indicate that your DC spends more nights with you, nothing else. Your arrangement is more like 50/50, or very close. I can't imagine he pays much, given your DC spends 3 nights at his.

But I can understand you might feel unsettled by not knowing where you DC went, I can understand this - I would say have a polite and calm word with your ex and ask him to let you know in advance.

You can't stop your child having good time with his dad, and you are very silly re: overnight trips.

Edited to add: your ex sounds like a great dad, you should not interfere or try to damage his relationship with your DC. You will be thankful for this when your DC is older and you will be praying for his dad to do half of parenting!

I knew someone would come up with this ridiculous one

of course it’s her business as it’s her ex’s business when their ds is with his other parent you don’t stop being a parent just because they are with their other parent

back to op I think he should have told you and that you should have that level of communication and likewise you inform him of going away but that he didn’t I don’t think is worth getting so angry about just a reminder you would like to know when he goes away it’s perfectly reasonable

sounds like you ds had a lovely time don’t spoil it for him he will pick up on something being wrong and think he has done something wrong

No he doesn't need to ask permission. However, he should tell you where they are going, when we go away with my step daughter we always tell her Mum ahead of time, that's just common courtesy.

He actually sounds like a bloody great dad, I think it’s so lovely when my children’s dad takes them anywhere! Do you struggle when things are ‘sprung’ on you? Honestly, if you have these thoughts in the future maybe try and work through it, speak to a friend regarding your concerns, as it’ll only make yours and his relationship tense if you try to control what he’s doing with his own son!

Even if you are the MAIN PARENT in way you think you are, this does not come with a right to know what he is doing on Dads time. And its obvious you want to know because you plan to object. You would seriously deprive a kid the utter joy of Drayton Manor just because of a slight change in routine? You need to get a grip.

In general it's a good co-parenting relationship if you can talk to each other about things like this. If nothing else it saves one parent booking the same trip as the other one did 3 days ago. However, if you want this then both parties have to behave in a constructive way. Nothing you've said here suggests you wouldn't kick up a fuss about XPs plans, so of course he's not going to choose to tell you about them when he doesn't have to.