AIBU to expect my ex to tell me about overnight trips?

[Bluedeep]

Am I justified or overreacting?
My DS is 4 and starting school in September. My ex is married with a 1 year old DS and has our son Thursday morning until Sunday morning every week. My DS SM is due to end her maternity in a few weeks.

I have just picked him up and he was telling me they went to Drayton Manor for the weekend to meet Thomas and stayed in a Thomas themed room at the hotel. I asked my ex about it and he said they did and had a great time. They left on Thursday morning and stayed in the hotel Thursday and Friday night as a little treat for DS and his sister before his wife goes back to work.
Drayton Manor is about 3 and a half hours drive from where we live.

I was so angry at my ex, telling him he should not be taking my DS away overnight without asking permission first. My ex did not agree and has said as his dad he is free to make plans on his days.

I just don’t agree and think he should be asking me before doing anything like driving so far away. I had a similar reaction a year ago when I found out he had driven to Cadbury World for the day and didn’t tell me.

Am I in the right or am I overreacting?

i think people are being a bit harsh.

the good old “unhinged” has even popped out! 🙄

I agree that both an equal parents and it’s great he’s had a good time with dad and family. OP may be feeling a bit jealous or worried?

but I can see how OP may feel if she’s just doing out her little one was far away (in her eyes) and she didn’t know. I’m lucky to live with my DH so don’t have to share kids - but I’d be devastated having to give them up for a few days and would worry about them. I think it’s the not knowing?

OP would you have been ok if you’d have known? Not suggesting he asks (because he can do what he wants within reason) but just lets you know?

I wonder if it’s worth having a chat and saying to him you feel a bit anxious - could he let you know if future if they’re going to be away for a night or more?

this may be more sensible and calm than getting angry.

I think it’s out of love.

The only time it is your business is if he wants to take him abroad. He cannot do that without your permission

As co-parents I believe that you should co-operate with one another, and perhaps build some degree of a relationship with your ex to the point where you can actually discuss plans regarding your child.

There is no reason whatsoever why your ex should have to tell you what he's planning to do with your son, and as you kicked off last year it could well be that he didn't want to tell you incase you wanted to put the ky-bosh. However, it would make your world a much nicer place if you were able to communicate.

When you choose not to have weekends with your child, not least so you can relax childfree with your boyfriend, you can’t resent the child having fun outings with their other parent.

He knows how badly she reacted to a previous outing, he’d be mad to have told her about this one in advance. He definitely won’t tell her in future, not worth the mad drama and resentment.

He has his son every weekend and he has another child. Should they never go anywhere or do anything because OP has off hang ups about nights away being unsettling? What’s he supposed to do?

You are over reacting
I assume Ex has parental responsibility? If so he can take your DS away when it’s his turn to have him.He doesn’t need your permission
You could ask him to inform you but he’s not obligated to do so and really you should not try to interfere. It sounds like he’s caring for DS adequately and doing nice things with him . DS is old enough at 4 to spend time away from home with his family, it’ll do him no harm at all !

I agree that the exH purposefully didn’t tell OP about the trip beforehand. He would have known she’d flip her lid.

So nasty to see the bitterness emanating from her first post.

Main carer? Your ex has his ds 3 full days/nights a week. That's a very committed parent who absolutely has the right to make decisions about his child during his contact time.

Sorry - think you replied to the wrong poster.

read my post back. I never said he shouldn’t go away with him! The opposite in fact.

I then made a suggestion of what she can do.

Huh? He literally has overnight trips every week, if you have shared custody!
by the age of four my son has travelled to Ireland, Scotland, Wales, Spain and Italy. Don’t baby him. It’s lovely that his dad had such a special treat for him.

Op this is ridiculous.
Im taking my DD abroad for half term. Do you think I have told her father anything? I have a court order, I don't require his permission, and I don't need to tell him anything. I may decide to tell him out of courtesy but I simply don't need to.
I think you're hugely overreacting.
DD and I have been to centre parcs, Cornwall, Devon, Wales with DD, just me and her in the car.. it wouldn't EVER occur to me to let her Dad know anything!

Main parent?????, wow that is your problem. You need to understand parenting in your case is shared

Why are you the " main" parent? And nothing wrong with taking the child away . I'm not surprised your ex doesn't tell you TBH if you are that strange about things like being too young for an overnight trip.

Don't you go on holiday?

You are overreacting!!

Thank god your son has his dad is all I can say

Ey?!? Bonkers.

You are exceptionally unreasonable. On all levels.

Honestly, yes you're overreacting. And main parent doesn't mean more important or that you have more rights. Either of you should be able to take the child away without having to clear it with the other person first - unless it's overseas. Overnight trips are fine at any age - unless there are other considerations, such as additional needs. Is the issue that you would have wanted to do it first? There's no reason why you can't plan your own trip, but his dad has just as much right to take him away as you do.

You’ve never taken him away overnight? Poor kid. You all need to live a little. Mine were traveling internationally solo with me or with Dh and I together from 8 months. I don’t necessarily even ask my own husband for permission to go away solo with our dc. Obviously, I do tell him, but sometimes I book things and tell him later. He’s missing out being stuck at home all the time. Well done to your ex for planning something so fun for him.

This is bonkers. You ex doesn't need permission to take (both of) your son away. I agree that it'd be good practice for him to tell you where your son is going to be but quite honestly you sound very controlling so I can't blame him for not telling you.
He sounds like a great dad. Don't make trouble where there is none.

I don't know how to vote as I think he should have let you know they were going away, but he definitely doesn't need to ask your permission to do so.

I think you need to learn to let go a little bit. I know you said you are the main parent, but your ex actually spends more time with your child as he has him on the weekends. So I think you need to consider him an equal parent, even if the law says otherwise. He obviously knows and loves your child just as well and much as you do.

I do think you have a right to know if he's taking him away though. It is just common courtesy, really.

In the eyes of the CMS you are the RESIDENT parent due to the fact that your son sleeps in your home for one more night per week than he does at his dad's. The law certainly wouldn't state that you are the MAIN parent at all. Dad has equal parental responsibility in the eyes of the law. Also the law would also state that if he wanted to Dad could refuse to return your child home to your care and police wouldn't even get involved as it would be a civil matter and they'd tell you to take him to court to get him back if he were to not bring him home to you. You absolutely have no right to tell your ex where he can or cannot take his child during his time with him just because the CMS orders him to give you child maintenance

She said earlier in the post that she's taken her son on holiday but reckons one or two nights away will mess up his routine apparently-yet it's ok for her to take him on holidays away from home. Makes no sense to me. She's just being controlling

What is really the matter here? You’re hurting. Is it because your son is having some lovely times and you’re not there? I can understand that. Try to see it through the lens of your son having a lovely happy secure life with both his parents.
maybe ask yourself what you’re afraid of.
and reflect on it. And reassure yourself. You son loves you and you can never be replaced.

The only time he has to tell you is if he plans to take the child abroad. In those circumstances he will need written permission from you. Otherwise it is up to your ex how he chooses to spend his time with his son.

Why on earth do you think it's wrong?

Surely you must be happy your son gets such nice treats like these?

Can I ask why you don't agree with random nights away? Only because he's not in school yet, and your ex has him for the two days after they've been away in the case you've described, so he'd be dealing with tired or grumpy kids if it really effected your sons behaviour or something, before your son came to you.

Are you planning on having more children with your partner, and does he have any kids?

YABU. He can plan whatever he wants in his time with the child, and so can you. I'd be happy my child had a great time, instead of complaining.