AIBU to expect my ex to tell me about overnight trips?

[Bluedeep]

Am I justified or overreacting?
My DS is 4 and starting school in September. My ex is married with a 1 year old DS and has our son Thursday morning until Sunday morning every week. My DS SM is due to end her maternity in a few weeks.

I have just picked him up and he was telling me they went to Drayton Manor for the weekend to meet Thomas and stayed in a Thomas themed room at the hotel. I asked my ex about it and he said they did and had a great time. They left on Thursday morning and stayed in the hotel Thursday and Friday night as a little treat for DS and his sister before his wife goes back to work.
Drayton Manor is about 3 and a half hours drive from where we live.

I was so angry at my ex, telling him he should not be taking my DS away overnight without asking permission first. My ex did not agree and has said as his dad he is free to make plans on his days.

I just don’t agree and think he should be asking me before doing anything like driving so far away. I had a similar reaction a year ago when I found out he had driven to Cadbury World for the day and didn’t tell me.

Am I in the right or am I overreacting?

I think its absolutely fine for your ds to go on a trip with his dad and your ex doesn't need permission. I do think it would be polite though for him to let you know about the trip as you co-parent

i know I would have said ‘oh wow how lovely’ and asked ex for some pictures. Then I’d look at the Pictures later with him so he could tell me all about it

OP hasn’t returned since her post explaining how she doesn’t work, and spends the weekends relaxing with her new partner …..

Reading your post I sympathise with your X.

He’s 4? How is he too young for overnight trips? Is there any age when they are too young (I know people who have travelled with newborns happily). There are very very few 4 year olds who have never done an overnight trip anywhere if if just to the grandparents.

You’ve never taken your child on a night away/weekend away/ holiday??!!!
That’s just grim.
At least his dad is bringing him on fun trips!

Too young for overnight trips? I feel bad for your son, you sound absolutely ridiculous!!!

This

Yep I thought this. OP doesn’t work yet will still get almost the entire weekend free once her DS is in school but conveniently still technically has him 4 nights a week and so can keep receiving all the financial support.

Not to mention the first post being entirely unreasonable.

People keep going on about permission because the OP said - he should not be taking my DS away overnight without asking permission first

What happens on their parenting time is not your concern. Only exception: Leaving the country.

DW I am a shit mum too. When exDH takes DS abroad to visit family, I <gasp> encourage it, pay towards his flights, chuck him some spending money and give them lifts to the airport. It’s almost like I want my DS to have wonderful memories of visiting his family over there whom he loves.

Good god. Get a grip woman!

I wonder how much maintenance he's paying to enable her not to work. As DS is 4, she won't be entitled to UC if she's not seeking work.

He isn't obliged to tell you or ask you, but I really do think you should inform each other about those kind of plans if there is any kind of healthy communication at all left in the coparenting relationship. It would be good if you could get to a place where those kind of plans are communicated, without it being some kind of power struggle.

I think he’s too young for overnight trips

This is ridiculous.

Playing devil’s advocate here, I feel like the OP was probably worried that she didn’t know of her son’s whereabouts and if something had happened to him, she might not have been able to easily get to him. What if he’d fallen ill and OP had had a drink thinking he was up the road and couldn’t drive the three hour trip? Or some dangerous incident happened in the area the dad lives and she worried her son might be affected when he was actually in another town?

Having said that, I agree with PPs who said the father doesn’t need to ask permission but the parents should calmly have a chat about emergency situations. Demanding permission is unreasonable, a courtesy message to say they’ll be away and broad location details in case of emergencies isn’t.

You're not the main parent in the eyes of the law. You get the CB because in a marriage 1 person claims it, 99% of the time it's mom, as they give forms out in hospital. If you were still married would you say you were the main parent because CB was in your name? Of course not.
As for CM, that's awarded and is not necessarily anything to do with who has the most nights. My son has 50/50 custody, absolute split down the middle 7 days out of 14, but pays CM because he earns more than his ex.
I think your ex should have told you his intention to take his son on a trip, purely as a matter of courtesy, but as to needing your permission, absolutely 100% not. Your child has a present father who is involved in his life, you should count your blessings instead of stirring up resentment.

He has his DS for most of the leisure time, it’s going to increase when he goes to school, so she can relax with her partner. I’d tell her to assume that we’d be away a lot as that’s what you do with leisure time with DC. She’d understand if she took turns.

The chill time with the partner is besides the point; taking 30 secs to send a text saying ‘fyi DS and I will be in XXX this weekend’ isn’t a ridiculous request. Imagine, one day, the police turn up at her door saying there’s been a terrible accident involving her son and his father hiking up a mountain in Scotland (or on a ride at Drayton Manor) when she thought he was ten minutes down the road? They just need to come to a civil mutual agreement to inform each other of where the child will be.

I think she wants DS to be away from her so she can 'relax' but would like him to remain in statis during that time because it makes her jealous for him to experience things to without him.

It makes me think of a poster I once saw saying that they intended to keep their 7 yo home from a school trip to the panto because they didn't want to miss out on the child's first theatre trip. But they had no intention of taking her themselves.

Ordinarily I’d agree but the posts from OP have me suspecting it’d be not worth the hassle

Bonkers and controlling. Sounds like his father is the main parent. You enjoy your weekend relaxing eh.
Think we can see why you're an ex

You don’t own DS. He’s your JOINT son and your ex can take him away if he wants, assuming there’s no backstory. I’m guessing there’s some jealousy here from you that they took him away but that’s on you 🤷‍♀️

I'd say unhinged is being polite, I'd say completely batshit!

Wow. You sound just as bad as OP.