AIBU to expect my ex to tell me about overnight trips?

[Bluedeep]

Am I justified or overreacting?
My DS is 4 and starting school in September. My ex is married with a 1 year old DS and has our son Thursday morning until Sunday morning every week. My DS SM is due to end her maternity in a few weeks.

I have just picked him up and he was telling me they went to Drayton Manor for the weekend to meet Thomas and stayed in a Thomas themed room at the hotel. I asked my ex about it and he said they did and had a great time. They left on Thursday morning and stayed in the hotel Thursday and Friday night as a little treat for DS and his sister before his wife goes back to work.
Drayton Manor is about 3 and a half hours drive from where we live.

I was so angry at my ex, telling him he should not be taking my DS away overnight without asking permission first. My ex did not agree and has said as his dad he is free to make plans on his days.

I just don’t agree and think he should be asking me before doing anything like driving so far away. I had a similar reaction a year ago when I found out he had driven to Cadbury World for the day and didn’t tell me.

Am I in the right or am I overreacting?

Legally you have no right to know anything that’s happening when on your ex’s time.

also why do you think he’s to young for over nights trips?

Do you ask his permission to take DS for a trip on your time or a day out?

Your ex is an equal parent. If he wanted to take DS away for longer or on your time he needs your permission. But otherwise you need to let him get on with it and accept you dont control his parenting time.

Sounds like your son has 2 parents who love him and like spending time with him. I would just be grateful. Lovely to hear he had a nice time meeting Thomas

I feel sad for the little boy who had an amazing weekend, excitedly told his mum as soon as he saw her… and then presumably watched the fury and jealousy eminent out of her!! Poor boy probably thinks he’s done wrong. The only thing you’ve done here OP is ensure he doesn’t open up to you and tell you about his weekends.

What happens when he’s older and his dad buys him a Switch or expensive trainers?? Does he have to leave them at the dad’s house in case you flip your lid about that too!?

You sound bitter and jealous. You’re not “the main parent” by the way. You’re an equal parent tops.

I don’t understand how you need to “relax” over the weekend when you don’t work.

Ok so just because you recieve CM doesnt make you more of a parent than your ex. Both of you could legally stop the other taking him abroad but thats it.

It doesnt matter what you think about whether DSs routine is like due to a an overnight. You also mention being unhappy about a day trip to Cadbury world. You need to accept you cant control his time with his dad. He doesnt need your approval. He isnt the babysitter and it sounds like hes a good and engaged dad.

But I understand if the actual issue is what if something happened and youre so far away.. because he absolutely should inform you if there was an emergency. But DS is as safe with his DF as he is with you. Try and trust you both want whats best for DS

Ouch! That’s a bit unfair and unnecessarily harsh…

grow up

No it isn’t it’s spot on.

there’s no such thing as a main parent btw and things like demanding to be asked for permission to take a child would not be well received in court.

I think this says a lot. You sound severely anxious and should seek help. By 4 many children have been on holiday a few times already, it’s totally normal.

Oh dear OP. The radio silence suggests you are not liking the way this thread has gone.

I have suggestions for you, which you probably won't like.

Get a job so you have something else to think about.
Get a therapist to discuss your anxiety and controlling behaviour.

You need to get your head out of your ass!
You aren't the MAIN PARENT... you happen to have one extra overnight a week. You need to stop acting like you are better than your ex.

Also, unless your child is being removed from the UK then no, you don't get to dictate what happens during his father's access. It's very intrusive of you to think you get to.have any involvement.

I think you need to realise that you are not a couple and your ex doesn't answer to you!

Thats ridiculous

We have been taking our DD abroad to visit family and on holiday since she was 3 months old. It only disrupts them if you flap about it. Its sleep when all is said and done, as long as they get plenty of it safely and are supervised does it make any difference which postcode its in?

It sounds like you're angry that dad is taking the child on fun trips and not telling you about it. As a parent you should be happy for your child and not jealous about it

I’d be happy my son got to experience something fun!

Yes he could have mentioned it but he didn’t need to ask permission.
also once he starts school you need to look at the childcare split… you’re going to resent him having all weekends for fun.

Re CMS... yes it's only 1 extra day difference but the OP has said she doesn't work and her ex does so that'll be the main reason for maintenence.

main parent LOL

this part tells us everything we need to know, typical mum who wants all the benefits/CM, I bet if he asked to be 50/50 you’d still say no, 3 days a week is considerable and it’s upto him what he does in his time, not you.

He shouldn't take him out of the country without your agreement, he probably should let you know if he's not going to be at home as anything could happen, but he def doesn't need your permission.

If you have joint parental responsibility he doesn't have to tell you anything.

I know it hurts & its hard however you do have to let him do what he thinks is best and expect the same respect for when you have your child. I will never get used to it but aslong as my daughter is safe and happy it is how it has to be sadly

You are totally bu, are you jealous that your DS has more fun with his DF.
You should thank your ex for giving your DS a good time.

This sounds like jealousy to me - he is having fun with his dad and you appear to be the fun police

BTW you are the 'primary' parent in terms of custody - that is why you get maintenance, as well as you are probably also a lower earner - another reason you are jealous your ex is doing stuff you cannot afford

You are not the 'main' parent and you have no more right to dictate what your ex does in his custody time than he does when your son is with you

I hope you are not being so angry about this in front of your son!!

He doesn’t need your permission but can you habe a more amicable relationship seeing as you co-parent on an almost 50/50 basis?

i would have liked to see photos

This is insane. Of course his dad can take him away overnight

Your are wrong and unreasonable. He has PR. He is legally able to make decisions for your joint child. On his time he can take him on a UK break. He needs your permission to take the child abroad but if you refuse he can just get a court order and a court will absolutely allow him to take the child abroad without you. Thus main parent stuff is nonsense. He isnt a Disney dad seeing his kid 4 days a month for a few hours and even then you couldn't do F all about where he goes with the child. You need to wind your neck in.

NRFT but if I read correctly you don’t work, you have a partner but are unmarried.
I don’t profess to know anything about your financial circumstances but you’re leaving yourself in a precarious situation if you’re fully reliant to a man (or woman) to whom you’re not married. Were they to leave you, you’d be entitled to nothing. I’ve seen it on mumsnet far too often. Protect yourself.

So you are the “main” parent because you have your Son 4 nights a week as opposed to his Dad having him 3 nights a week? Seeing as there are only 7 days in a week you can’t exactly split him equally can you? Honestly I’ve never heard something so ridiculous. Are you saying you have never taken your son away somewhere overnight? Not on holiday or to visit family or friends? If that’s the case he’s lucky his Dad actually does something with him! I would understand if he has whisked him off to Europe without you knowing but my god you really do need to find something to occupy your time as your ex sounds like a good Dad who’s enjoying doing things with his child. Most people come on here to moan about their ex not taking an interest in their child when they split up/ meet someone new/ start another family and here is yours doing the exact opposite and you’re composing? He is his parent and has just as much say in his child’s upbringing as you do, he does not need your permission to take his son on an adventure no more than you need his

Are you still in love with your ex and jealous of his current wife?
Aren't you glad your son had a nice time?