AIBU to expect my ex to tell me about overnight trips?

[Bluedeep]

Am I justified or overreacting?
My DS is 4 and starting school in September. My ex is married with a 1 year old DS and has our son Thursday morning until Sunday morning every week. My DS SM is due to end her maternity in a few weeks.

I have just picked him up and he was telling me they went to Drayton Manor for the weekend to meet Thomas and stayed in a Thomas themed room at the hotel. I asked my ex about it and he said they did and had a great time. They left on Thursday morning and stayed in the hotel Thursday and Friday night as a little treat for DS and his sister before his wife goes back to work.
Drayton Manor is about 3 and a half hours drive from where we live.

I was so angry at my ex, telling him he should not be taking my DS away overnight without asking permission first. My ex did not agree and has said as his dad he is free to make plans on his days.

I just don’t agree and think he should be asking me before doing anything like driving so far away. I had a similar reaction a year ago when I found out he had driven to Cadbury World for the day and didn’t tell me.

Am I in the right or am I overreacting?

Wish I had a £1 for every OP who disappears when MN consensus isn’t what they want to hear…

It’s none of your business. As long as he’s safe it’s none of your business what he does on his parenting time. I would not be answerable to you and vice versa.

you didn’t come on here to listen to others opinions, you came here to validate your already entrenched viewpoint and now the majority of people don’t agree you don’t like it.

Your ex does not need permission from you to take a two day uk trip. It would have been nice for him to tell you ahead of time, but given your reaction that might be why he

You mentioned law, and with that in mind your ex has parental responsibility so can make decisions on what he does on his time.

You might be the resident parent for financial purposes but your ex has full parental rights and can choose what he does with his child on his time. What would you have said if he had told you beforehand? It’s incredibly controlling to try and limit what your ex does with his child, obvious safeguarding issues aside.

Oh OP, this thread hasn't gone the way you'd hoped has it?

All you should be in this scenario is pleased for your son and happy to hear him talk about his weekend.

You can ask yourex to let you know if they are going away -just so you know, but he probably won't want to tell you if you are going to give him grief and say your son is too young or whatever (as that is just ridiculous). You need to try to cultivate a relationship whereby you are not passing judgment on what happens on his time. Then he is likely to be more open.

I know you say you are the main parent as you have the extra night but your ex likely has more hours with your son as he has him on the weekends and on your time he is in school. I am surprised that you are getting much maintenance in the circumstances. I wouldn't be happy never having a weekend with my son.

I must be a shit mum, I would often take my DD's away for one or two nights to stay in the Legoland hotel when they were 4 or younger.

“Faints” think of the children!

I was so angry at my ex, telling him he should not be taking my DS away overnight without asking permission first

The child is his DS too. He doesn't need permissions to do anything with his own child.

“Ask” you. No he shouldn’t. Sound like he’s had an amazing weekend!

OP must be trolling. Nobody could be this deluded. Of course it would be nice if he told you but given how you react when he tells you he's taking your (plural your) son away I can absolutely see why he doesn't. I really hope your poor son didn't hear any of this.

Plus "I don't work."

But he is with his dad! So in the unlikely event something did happen to him, his dad would be there. His dad being the person you chose to have this child with.

Over-reacting is an understatement. You are being controlling and it's not fair.

We took DS1 to Ireland when he was 13 months. For two whole weeks! I'm amazed we didn't have Social Services on the phone.

“Faints again”

Think of the children ….

I mean Ireland!!!! With tayto crisps and red lemonade!!

Shocked I am!!

Exactly. So despite having less days the dad seems to be spending a lot more (and quality time) with the child. And she thinks she’s the ‘main parent’ 🤦🏻‍♀️

Watch out...they might take legal action when they're older for letting them grow up as normal kids

Thank Christ for this poor boy at least his dad's normal.

I love how she's the "main parent", doesn't have the kid weekends so when he's at school won't have to do much, doesn't work AND the ex pays her child support AND she's got a partner herself who she spends child free weekends with.

I understand you wanting to know the whereabouts of your child op I have felt the same tbh when my ex has taken my dc places. ive never objected to him taking them anywhere but I'd like to know where they are incase of any emergencies that may possibly arise so I can get to them if needs be.
My dc are much older so usually always tell me their plans and where they are going.
if its a holiday ex will send me details of where they will be.

If an emergency arises, DS’s dad is right there. And OP doesn’t just want to know where they’re going, she expects her ex to ask for permission to take DS there.

You’re hardly the main parent when you don’t have your child at all on weekends

Clearly your son isnt to young for overnight stays as he told you himself he had a great time. Maybe you were using it as an excuse not to do these things with him. You might be the "main" parent in eyes of the law but you dont work, only see your son morning's and evenings and dont want him on the weekends so you can relax with your partner (though you dont work..) whereas your ex has him whenever he isnt at work... we all know who the real main parent is

OP I've just realised that you said you've never taken your DS away overnight, but then later said you'd taken him on holiday. So which is it? And if you have taken him on holiday, how come you're allowed to but his dad isn't?

You do know what he is doing- he is with his dad. You BOTH have equal parental responsibility, and whilst you may be "primary carer" and may have more custody time, you are not "senior" to your child's father.

You have no right to know everything they do on their time with their other parent, same as how ex has no right to know what he gets up to with you. It would be nice yes, if your relationship with your ex was such that you could both share plans and chat etc but its not actually necessary.

If he was taking him away out of the country then you would need to give written permission, (and vice versa) otherwise what he does on his time is simply none of your business, unless you have genuine safeguarding concerns.

Thinking a 4 year old is too young for an overnight trip with his parent is NOT a safeguarding issue. It does sound like your might be a little over protective and maybe jealous of what he does with his dad- maybe some counselling would help?

Unless you believe your ex is a danger to your son, then you are completely overreacting. By the sounds of it, your ex is taking your son away, spending time with him, and being a decent Dad. Your son is away for a couple of nights with his Dad, not a random stranger off the street!

Your ex has no obligation to tell you what his plans are, whilst he is with his son. You have absolutely no right to try and control what your ex does with your son or where he takes him either.

As others have pointed out, your son spends 1 extra night per week with you, compared to his Dad. You don't trump your ex just because you receive Child Support and CMS. You are both equal parents.

You need to apologise to your ex, because you are being unreasonable.

You’re not ‘the main parent’. You are one of two parents, both with equal say in law. You’re massively over-reacting here.