AIBU to expect my ex to tell me about overnight trips?

[Bluedeep]

Am I justified or overreacting?
My DS is 4 and starting school in September. My ex is married with a 1 year old DS and has our son Thursday morning until Sunday morning every week. My DS SM is due to end her maternity in a few weeks.

I have just picked him up and he was telling me they went to Drayton Manor for the weekend to meet Thomas and stayed in a Thomas themed room at the hotel. I asked my ex about it and he said they did and had a great time. They left on Thursday morning and stayed in the hotel Thursday and Friday night as a little treat for DS and his sister before his wife goes back to work.
Drayton Manor is about 3 and a half hours drive from where we live.

I was so angry at my ex, telling him he should not be taking my DS away overnight without asking permission first. My ex did not agree and has said as his dad he is free to make plans on his days.

I just don’t agree and think he should be asking me before doing anything like driving so far away. I had a similar reaction a year ago when I found out he had driven to Cadbury World for the day and didn’t tell me.

Am I in the right or am I overreacting?

He definitely doesn’t need permission but it would have been nice of him to give you a heads up about where they were going. I’d find it odd if DC dad took them away somewhere and didn’t mention it. Would you have objected if he’d asked you beforehand?

Ok it would have been better that he told you in advance as the distance has obviously concerned you. In future that’s a conversation to have “just to let you know on x weekend we will be at z” however this works both ways. Op your son is possibly going to have more fun at dad’s house if he spends every weekend there as after school there is only so much you can do before bedtime. I would reassess this as relaxing with your partner could occur eow.

Then a parent is there to take care of DS.

It would be good if he told you they'd be hrs away but he doesn't need to ask.

You need to make sure you communicate in a reasonable way do it doesn't encourage him to keep you in the dark.

Presumably both parents can ring each other

OP surely you understand that once your DS starts school you’ll barely see him under this childcare arrangement? But you want weekends to relax with your partner? That makes his dad the main parent…

Or will you revisit the arrangement once he starts school?

We had travelled all over the world before DC was 4, of course overnight trips are fine. People go all over the place. Hotels are full of small children.
No issues with settling back into routines or even keeping routines while on a trip.
I think you are missing out on some fun activities with this rule.
And I think out of courtesy it would be good for Ex to say he was planning a trip, but if you were going to say no and he knew that then i can see why he didn't let you know.
If you are gojng to coparent without conflict then you are going to have to be a bit more chilled out about the overnight trip thing.

You have far too much time on your hands. A job might sort out that overactive imagination.

All I read there was you don’t take him anywhere and you don’t want anyone else to take him anywhere either.

You're batshit.

Why don't you take your child on nights away?

At 4 he can clearly cope.

The "main parent"?! Fuck off! 🙄

Maybe your ex thinks he's the "main parent" as he's the one paying for everything!

You have massively overrated. He does not have to tell you or ask your permission.

100% agree!!
main parent my ass!

Sounds like the child had a lovely time.
I agree you should be told if your son was somewhere else apart from with his father, but you don't need to know where they spend their time together

The main parent? Give me a break! He is entitled to take his son to Drayton manor.

And you are part of this mum is great brigade? What does she do that makes you think she’s great? The arrangement that she gets to relax every weekend with her new partner, the not working, the face she doesn’t take her DS away for nights?

Be very very vey happy they are so inclusive of your ds. He, I am sure, was thrilled. So many nasty stories on here how 'I don't think children from previous marriages should be invited/included/joining us/receiving treats'. Don't spoil it!

Sounds like a lovely trip. When we take my stepchild away on our time, we do let mum know (because it’s a very healthy coparenting arrangement) and all she ever has to say is have a wonderful time! And same vice versa. Poor kid coming home to a raging mother after his lovely weekend.

You should take him away for some quality time because it’s sounds like once he’s at school you’re barely going to see him…

He has his child 3 nights you have him 4 so I would say you’re pretty much equal when you also factor the days in. He doesn’t need to ask for your permission, it might have been nice of him to tell you they are going away. If you and your partner were taking him away would you ask for your ex’s permission?

Op he has every right to take his son away. I would be grateful he’s still making such an effort with him especially as he’s now got another child. also with you not knowing meant you got a relaxing weekend. Think of all the shitty men on here who don’t deserve kids your ex is putting his son first. He never asked you for a penny towards it no spending money. Your son had fun what’s not to like. Just because he’s with you more doesn’t make his dad less responsible. You would not have your ds without his contribution. Always remember this.

Completely overreacting OP!!!

DP and I split when DD was 3 and he regularly took her for overnight trips away without my knowledge. Unless he is going abroad then you don’t need to be informed.

Be grateful he does things with your child - there are many dads out there who don’t.

You sound very controlling.

As the child's father and on his days he doesn't need to share what they are up to with you, nor do you need to share what you get up to when he is with you. You both have equal parental responsibility, he doesn't need your permission.

Sounds like he's a good dad and has a lovely family which your son is clearly a part of, this is far better than him cutting his son out and doing these trips with just his wife and daughter.

Your nonsense about doing nice things like this as "unsettling" for the child is just silly, it sounds like they had a lovely time. I think you need to unclench and accept that your son has 2 parents who love him who want to do nice things with him. You can do similar nice things on your own time without permission too.

He did a lovely thing on his time. You are massively over reacting. If you want this to change, work on building a better co-parenting relationship where he would find it easier to casually tell you and update on what they've been up to. But this is the man you decided was jointly responsible for raising your child, and as long as he's not being abusive, you have to trust that previous judgement you had.

So you have every weekend to chill with your partner? And you don't do any trips with your DC yourself?

You are being so incredibly UR here it's insane.

You are being completely unreasonable. He doesn't need to ask permission from you, nor you from him. Insanely controlling behaviour.