AIBU to expect my ex to tell me about overnight trips?

[Bluedeep]

Am I justified or overreacting?
My DS is 4 and starting school in September. My ex is married with a 1 year old DS and has our son Thursday morning until Sunday morning every week. My DS SM is due to end her maternity in a few weeks.

I have just picked him up and he was telling me they went to Drayton Manor for the weekend to meet Thomas and stayed in a Thomas themed room at the hotel. I asked my ex about it and he said they did and had a great time. They left on Thursday morning and stayed in the hotel Thursday and Friday night as a little treat for DS and his sister before his wife goes back to work.
Drayton Manor is about 3 and a half hours drive from where we live.

I was so angry at my ex, telling him he should not be taking my DS away overnight without asking permission first. My ex did not agree and has said as his dad he is free to make plans on his days.

I just don’t agree and think he should be asking me before doing anything like driving so far away. I had a similar reaction a year ago when I found out he had driven to Cadbury World for the day and didn’t tell me.

Am I in the right or am I overreacting?

You are Co parenting, so have no say! Stop being ridiculous, saying 4 is too young to go away for a weekend! We were taking my son all over Europe by the time he was 3! Just stop being melodramatic!

He is not to young !! He is having life experience and fun by the sounds of things what a lovely treat for him !!

You did know what he was doing - he was spending time with his dad.
You have no say what happens during DS time with his dad, same as your ex has no say in what happens during your time in respect of trips etc.
The only time your ex needs to consult you is if he wants to take DS away gor a week or more and/or out of the country

Sorry OP but yes you're being unreasonable
Think you'll need to review your schedule when school starts or you'll never see your ds even if you don't work

Maybe it would be better for everyone if he did an extra night and became the main parent. As you sound unhinged

you need to work on your anxiety

your ex will most likely want to start taking him on holiday for a week or more within the next few years

He sounds like a good dad

Ludicrous you think yourself as the main parent. You both have parents responsiblity - he can do as he pleases in his time with your son and you can’t do anything about it. A 4 year old he’s perfectly fine to stay overnight in a hotel

@Bluedeep

why do you think he’s too young for overnight trips?

Firstly you are not the main parent, you both have a very similar amount of time each week and equally have parental responsibility.

your view of it both being ok to take a 4 year old away for a night or two is crazy, nothing wrong with that.

would be nice is they tell you but they don’t have to and if you want to be told you need have trust in them and not kick off about things.

I accidentally clicked on you are not being unreasonable but I think you are. He has your son almost 50% of the time and is an equal parent. It's ridiculous to suggest your son is too young to go away for a night away it holiday. How do you support you and your son if you don't work?

Your overreacting. He can do what he wants with his son on his time. Obviously if they were leaving the country it would be different. Would you ask his permission to do the same with your son?

I can understand why your ex didn’t tell you!

There are a few things going on here. Firstly, you need to accept that your ex is your son’s father and he’s an equal parent with parental rights and responsibilities. He can take his child wherever he wants during his time with him. He doesn’t need to discuss it with you or get your approval because he’s the child’s father.

Secondly, at 4 years old your DS is more than old enough to go on holidays. He’s told you he had a lovely time meeting Thomas. Why do you think it would unsettle him staying somewhere different?

Thirdly, have you ever had any counselling for your anxiety? It isn’t normal to want to have so much control over the time a young child spends with their other parent. My husband’s ex was similar and it’s affected their (now adult) children very badly. The only comment that you should have made to both your DS and your ex is ‘I’m so glad you had a nice time’

"The main parent" hmm, come on. Doesn't he got to nursery? If so, your ex actually spends more time with him than you do.
He doesn't need to ask your permission, or even tell you, that he's going away for a few nights. Why would he? It's him time to spend as he wishes.
And it's ridiculous to say a 4 year old is too young to spend a night in a hotel.

Your son stays with his day so in that time his dad doesn't have to justify nights away to you. You haven't said if he isn't keeping to the arrangement and returning your son to later than agreed. If not, chill out. Be thankful your son is being so well looked after and included with his half sibling on nights and days away. You have no idea how luvky your son is and how lucky you are.

Get yourself a hobby.

If your son's dad has PR then he can do what he likes with him when in his care. Get use to it, you're not in control of his time, he is his dad ffs 🙄

So your ex is either working long hours or caring for your son? You do breakfast and bedtimes 4 nights a week or will when your son goes to school (as it’s ‘best for everyone’) but otherwise are ‘relaxing’?

Your ex pays for your son’s maintenance costs when he’s with you but you don’t when he’s with his Dad…+you get all the child related benefits and opt not to work yet you’re kicking off when his hard working, hands on Dad who doesn’t seem to have any time in that schedule takes him somewhere amazing?

Main parent of the year 👏 🏆 🙄

You might not like this, but there is no such thing as a ‘main parent’ it is 50:50. He is spending precious time with his dad and you should be supporting this, however you feel personally

He doesn’t need your permission unless he takes him out of the country which he can’t do without the passport.
you could politely ask him to keep you in the loop so that you can be aware if he’s extra tired or slmtbing but really it’s not your business.
why don’t you want to see your child at weekends? You have a right to ask for every other weekend so you get quality time too xx

I agree with this, and I am 99.9% on the side of the mother usually

There are 7 days in a week, so 4 and 3 nights is as even as it gets. Additionally only one parent can get the child benefit and it is normally the mother. It took two of you to make your son and the two of you share the responsibility of bringing him up. Given the number of threads on here about absent or neglectful exes, you should be glad your ex is stepping up to be a good father like this.

Honestly you sound like a controlling nightmare!
You’re the “main parent” 😂 yet he is with his Dad for almost half the week where you “enjoy relaxing with your new partner”
I honestly feel really sorry for his Dad who sounds like he has a lovely stable family environment that your son enjoys being in.
You should honestly count yourself lucky that your son has such a great Dad and get over being so controlling and jealous sounding yourself.

I would be pleased that ds is being included in family life with his dad, half sister and her mum. You see so many threads on here where step child is excluded. I'd find this far more painful. I would like to know in advance and see photos though, as it is lovely knowing our little ones are enjoying themselves, when not with us.

Well that's good that you've set the legal position as being definitive on determining the rules of co-parenting.

In the eyes of the law he doesn't have to tell you this information, so surely you should be accepting of that fact as being reasonable.

It might be helpful to stop calling him 'my ex' and think of him as your son's father.

It sounds as if your son has two involved parents and also two involved step-parents, which is great - he is lucky.

It might also be an idea to get involved with something once your son starts school - volunteering maybe if you don't need to work. It's good for children to see self-sufficient parents who have their own lives outside the home.