Is anyone actually having passionate/ good sex?

[Polyestered]

I mean those of us in our late 30s/40s and beyond, in a long term relationship/ marriage and in the small child era. What is your secret? Clearly if you’re reading this age 22 and have been with your boyfriend for a year you don’t need a secret 😅

I don’t have a bad marriage (but it’s not wildly great either) but after 15 + years together and 2 invasive and whiny children under 5, the chemistry is zero. There is no passion. I want it back but it just feels like there’s so much “STUFF” between us, we have no privacy from the kids, it’s a buzz kill for me. I simultaneously want to switch off, completely let go and lose all the thoughts in my head but can’t and I’m so uptight, and so bored and frustrated all at once. 😮‍💨 is this inevitable or has anyone managed to keep the passion alive?

I'm sure people will be along shortly to tell me I'm wrong but marriage and family life are generally the death knell for that kind of passion. It's very hard to remain passionately sexual with someone who you cohabit with, see every day, share a toilet with, share a washing machine with, argue over bills and have kids with over many years. They are just opposite ends of the human experience.

That said, I think you can get to a place where you have a much calmer and less passionate but equally satisfying sex life, providing your relationship is basically good. DP and I have a good, if unadventurous, sex life, lower frequency but better quality but its definitely not in the ripping each other's clothes off three times a day phase. Which is absolutely fine with me because I don't have time or energy for that.

You have to be realistic and I think people sometimes convince themselves they have to be shagging three times a day three decades into a marriage, but you really don't. Long relationships go through phases and you sometimes have to be patient.

Nope. That’s why I’m now enjoying being 50, with older children and a partner I see eight times a month. Most fun I’ve ever had.

I was, but he just broke up with me. Now he wants to get back together. As much as I'd love to immediately jump back into bed with him, I know it's not wise. I now don't trust him to not dump me again whenever the mood takes him

For you, I'd probably advise getting a baby sitter and having a date night. Send each other flirty texts on the day and look forward to reconnecting

No, and we’d have passionate sex about five or more times a day when we met. Now we have three kids under five we’re more like best friends than lovers. This was perfectly summed up for me the other day when he said our song would be the Pokemon theme tune! I feel awkward and shy when it does eventually happen, my body is not the same and I know him too well. I want to get our passion back but not really sure how either when this is where we are at 😂

“It's you and me
I know it's my destiny
Pokemon!
Ooooh, you're my best friend
In a world we must defend
Pokemon!“

In my 30s, married 14 years, haven’t had sex in 4

I wish.

Monthly date nights would probably be better than nothing.

46, with DH 8 years, 4 kids between us but none shared (probably helps) we have great sex on Friday nights when we are child free and usually fit in 1-2 extra quickies per week. Not as much as we did when we first got together but it's important to us. We never miss a Friday night date unless we can't avoid it.

My secret is being in a loving relationship with my husband. I don’t know what it is but since we got married it’s been off the charts

How can you fancy a grown man who eats Billy bear ham! 🤣

(I'm joking. Your marriage sounds lovely! 💐)

We go through ebbs and flows but to be honest my DH isn't into quickies, if he can't take his time and enjoy it he'd rather not bother, he's very focused on me rather than himself, it's always a 10/10.

I don't think we've ever just had "sex" for the sake of it nor have I ever felt pressured, we'd have much more sex if we didn't have a 14 year old across the landing.

I think small children and the lack of privacy and couple-time and always having an ear out for a child waking has a lot to do with how you feel. You mention phrases like wild, and passionate: but does sex always have to be that?

DH and I (40 and 49) have been together for a decade and have very enjoyable sex most days. Wildly passionate? No, but I think that’s normal for many couples and, to be honest, has never been what gets me off, and DH is the same. And I think that our mutual expectation that sex doesn’t need to be an “event” is what helps us to have a lot of sex. We’re both very aligned and on day-to-day terms pretty vanilla: we just like sex, we don’t want a two hour session or dressing up or toys or multiple different positions in one sitting. Those things are nice on occasion, but mostly 30 minutes at 6am works perfectly for us both.

Fanny gallops 🤢

We’re in our early 40’s with two children in primary school and things are still very passionate. It’s something we’ve worked hard to keep going as it can be really difficult to make time for each other with young children.

!!!!!!!!!!

We didn't tend the relationship and it's withered.

I feel so naive but I didn't realise how much work it takes to keep relationships and sex l lives alive until it was too late!!

This!

Together 42 years, married for 37, four (now adult) kids. We've had an active sex life the whole time, even when kids were young. I still fancy him. It's not hot and passionate all the time, but still lovely and I hope it never stops.

We have two young children and have been together for 15 years. At the beginning we couldn't keep our hands off each other. Now I would say our sex life is probably good/average for a couple in our situation in terms of frequency, and everyone normally ends up satisfied - but it is mostly nice rather than wildly passionate. The exception is about twice a year we go away for a night just us and it feels very much like the old days in terms of feeling much more passionate, experimental. It really helps to remind each other that we can still be like that and it's circumstance not a lack of desire that often keeps us from it. I know we're lucky to have the childcare to do that.

🙋🏼‍♀️me. I'm 45.
I'm having a bit of a fling with a dj I've known and thought is hot for nearly 30 years. So I'm already super turned-on by the time he even touches me, then he literally makes me see stars 🌟🤩❤️‍🔥

Edited- didn't see the bit about long-term relationships, I just wanted to talk about my hot dj 🤭

We have great sex when we do have sex, it is hard finding the time and energy when we have 3 primary aged children and busy jobs etc, we usually do it after midnight when everyone is definitely asleep, but we are shattered the next day! I still fancy him and want to have sex with him, we are early 40's and met at uni aged 20, we've been together a long time. We had such good sex that we have inadvertently ended up pregnant with another child 😅, just be careful wishing for the 🔥 sometimes it burns just a little too strong!

We do go on lunch dates sometimes when we are both working from home and the kids are at school, it isn't all about sex, it's about just spending time together alone without the kids, even if it's just an hour at lunchtime or whatever. I still love and want my husband like I did all those years ago, you just need to make time for oneanother.

Is it even ham? I’ve no idea what it actually IS 😂🤷🏼‍♀️. I can’t abide the stuff at all but he’s very much a spam/instant mash/ ready salted/vanilla ice cream type of guy. Took me 11 years just to be able to wean him up to a typical amount garlic and seasoning in a bolognese.

@SerenaCat93 Fanny gallops is a term I heard on here and it’s a splendid turn of phrase. Would you prefer if I said my growler is chomping for him like a horse with a carrot? I have a million more if you would like me to carry on …

DH and I have always had regular good sex throughout parenthood, small DC years included, but we never had a house renovation to worry about which I imagine makes it much harder.

The ripping clothes sort of sex was often unachievable, admittedly, but the way I've always thought of it is, I like sex and orgasms are beneficial. So I will either initiate some if I fancy it or agree to offers because I know I'll enjoy it once I get going.

You mention feeling a bit guarded around each other OP, in what way?

I think many people are living a different life to me ! All these child free lunchtimes to romance your husband 🤣
Or nights away together child-free !
I think if you have these things then it’s much easier for you to “make time for each other” as everyone advises