Is anyone actually having passionate/ good sex?

[Polyestered]

I mean those of us in our late 30s/40s and beyond, in a long term relationship/ marriage and in the small child era. What is your secret? Clearly if you’re reading this age 22 and have been with your boyfriend for a year you don’t need a secret 😅

I don’t have a bad marriage (but it’s not wildly great either) but after 15 + years together and 2 invasive and whiny children under 5, the chemistry is zero. There is no passion. I want it back but it just feels like there’s so much “STUFF” between us, we have no privacy from the kids, it’s a buzz kill for me. I simultaneously want to switch off, completely let go and lose all the thoughts in my head but can’t and I’m so uptight, and so bored and frustrated all at once. 😮‍💨 is this inevitable or has anyone managed to keep the passion alive?

Not really when we still have a toddler in bed with us every night because he won't sleep in his own room for more than 3 minutes 🙄

@CantMakerHerThink Do you manage daily intimacy as well as working?! I'm in awe! 😀

Yes....late 50s and dh randy fucker is older.

Same as @AgnesMcDoo and a few others. 27 years and counting. And just gets better.

OP, no question that it’s hard with small dcs. But “invasive” sounds like something you might want to think about a bit. Even when our 3 were very tiny they knew they had to knock on our door, and could only interrupt us at nighttime for something important (blood on the floor, sick not in the toilet level of important). I appreciate everyone does things differently, but for us that meant we had an almost guaranteed level of privacy at night time, which helps.

My DH and I are both 44, together almost 16 years and married nearly 7. We both work FT, whilst I’m also studying PT for an MBA and am a School Governor at a local High School. We don’t have any kids but do have 3 large dogs that are full-on breeds needing lots of exercise and mental stimulation (2 Belgian Malinois’ and a Kangal).

We usually have sex every day (often more than once daily at weekends) and there’s been no drop in the passion levels during the time we’ve been together.

That said, I’m now starting to feel the delightful impact of perimenopause, including disrupted sleep and terrible night sweats, meaning I often feel knackered with low energy, and I’m having some issues with vaginal dryness, never ever a problem previously.

Together, we’re figuring out ways to work around it - e.g. using lube and being more deliberate with the timing of having sex (e.g. not leaving it until last thing at night before bed when I can barely keep my eyes open)!

We have really strong communication, so I’m hopeful that this won’t be a long term challenge.

Could you book a romantic weekend away just the two of you to reconnect and really focus on each other in a setting where you won’t be distracted by the day to day stuff?

I haven’t worked out the secret - same sex couple, we’ve been together 11 years, have a one year old, DP works from home, I work 4 long shifts a week in healthcare with no home working.

I feel like we’ve gone from pregnancy to c section recovery to breastfeeding wrecking my drive, to sleep deprivation (now sorted) to back to back nursery illness (still ongoing).

We haven’t been physically intimate since halfway through the pregnancy. We’ve talked about it and both want that part of our relationship back, but we’re both really tired and frequently down with colds and viruses and probably also in a bit of a rut. We want another child and I can just see us disappearing into the next cycle of baby rearing without ever recovering the intimacy.

I don’t know if us both being women has any bearing on it.

The rest of the relationship is great, we love and appreciate each other so much and communicate really well.

hopefully it will come back.

Just wanted to say I absolutely love this. Has really brought a smile to my face this morning

We've tried this, I enjoy the dates but for me they still don't trigger much desire unfortunately, probably because in the back of my mind I'm still thinking about when I have to pick the kids up! I find I Iose interest very quickly if nothing is doing it for me because there's so little time to do anything for myself, it quickly starts to feel like a waste of precious kid-free time.

Both 65 married 38 years, very active sex life . We both work full time but always try and spend time together just for us no kids no grand children no great grand children around. We have a great relationship otherwise and the great sex life follows on from that.

We do, but not regularly. I’m early 40s and DH is 5yrs younger. We’ve been together 8yrs but have a 6 and a 4 year old.

We’re similar to OP in that we’re also renovating a house plus have lots of work commitments. My DH has multiple jobs and every spare minute he has he’s either working another job or building a porch, laying a driveway or plastering a wall.

The kids take up most of our spare time but I’m hoping that will ease off a bit when DS starts school as we won’t have to use as much annual leave to cover 2 days a week for childcare. We have no family help so don’t get chance for date nights etc.
As someone else mentioned, we do date days when we get chance. If DH has a job near my work I’ll finish early and we’ll go for a meal or go to the cinema. It’s never relaxing though as we have to keep an eye on our phones as if nursery calls we have to collect DS within the hour or we lose our nursery place permanently. It just adds pressure where we don’t need it!

Honestly don’t know how DH has the energy for sex with all he does but I’m very rarely interested. I’m too tired and can take it or leave it. Because he hasn’t ever mentioned the lack of sex I tend not to make any effort which is completely my fault. He’d be mortified and completely turned off if he thought I was only having sex to make him happy or that I might feel pressured in any way to have sex. He’d rather us just not have sex at all.

The more I think about it, I’m a terrible partner. I expect far more than 50% from him for everything and give very little back. Seems to work for us though, he’s very happy in our marriage. I’ve spoken with him a couple of times about the lack of sex and my lack of interest but he’s just said it’s due to tiredness and will hopefully improve once the kids get older.

We both work from home so there’s lots of opportunity for small moments of intimacy, just a kiss and hug while making a coffee. We also take a walk together each day at lunch time and have 30 minutes of talking and laughing.

We also try and find time for dates, but that can be a little harder to organise. Sometimes we just order something nice for dinner and watch a film after the kids have gone to bed. It’s the time together that matters.

We try to make the most of the mundane, everyday things and just enjoy that we’re doing them together.

Personally, I find that I often enjoy sex when I get started, even when I wouldn’t have initiated. I think the biggest sex-protective factor in our marriage is that dh has a lot of self control. There were times we’d try and he’d notice that I wasn’t really into it, and just switch to cuddling instead. No sulking, no pushing, just genuine consideration. So it’s much easier for me to go along with it when he’s in the mood and see what happens.

Because there’s no risk of being pressured, we have been able to maintain a lot of non sexual touch - hugs, leaning against each other, holding hands, touching as we pass each other, etc. We also have a sort of ritual of a hug and kiss goodbye in the morning, and a kiss when we meet. It’s more routine than anything else. I can’t really explain this properly but I think that I need quite a lot of affectionate touch to be sexually interested.

I think a lot of men can be starved of touch unless they’re rugby players or similar, and a common pattern is that they light up at any touch and then push their luck, so their dw/dp experience all touch as a sexual advance and then they are also starved of the non sexual touch too. It’s a bit of a vicious cycle.

You have to push those thoughts to the back of your mind and commit to the date. We used to call them our ‘decadent afternoons’, it gave them a bit of a luxury feel. Lol

I don’t work full time but my DH does. But even when we were in the early stages when we had 3 and then 4 kids wet managed it at least 4-5 times a week. I just adore him tbh and he completes me.

@CantMakerHerThink I think it does make a difference if work is not full on and/or stressful for sure. How many hours a week do you do?

Yes, DH and I have always had a brilliant sex life. Even with young twins and working full time. Life hasn’t been easy. The twins are full on, had the death of a parent, a house move, a school move, renovations, etc etc. There have definitely been periods where we have argued a great deal from stress and tiredness. I’m not really sure why we have the great chemistry and sex drive, but we just do. We have certainly always been very strict with the twins routine – bedtime always at 7pm, absolutely no sleeping in our bed ever (unless they are unwell). DH and I also spend a lot of time together – not regular date nights, but we always spend time chatting every evening, always cook and eat together. DH has also always taken on a good deal of the childcare and mental load. He took 6 months parental leave, he sorts all the dentist and doctors appts, does half their clubs, does all the school drop offs, plays with them all the time, gets involved with homework, cub scouts etc. He just so deeply cares for all of us that I can’t help but feel completely treasured by him, and I think that means that sex feels like a blissful oblivion where I completely switch off to anything else.

Similar here. Together 16 years, one 14 yr old (and my two DC almost 20 & 22) & we've just always had chemistry. These days in our 50s, it's more like twice a week than twice a day, but still passionate. Teen coming home at 1:30am last night just missed the passion (phew!)🤣, & not disturbing the 14 yr old can be tricky.

Generally, I think being affectionate to each other is SO important- the quick hug, kiss as we come in, holding hands on a day out, telling him I fancy him is incredibly important. But others have touched upon the fact that if you feel supported - pulling weight in the house/ with kids/ rubbing your feet/ listening to each other- you're more connected.

Exactly. VaginaOnTheProwl would make a great user name too 😂

I think you need really good sexual chemistry to sustain it and if it wasn’t quite there in the first place then you could struggle to get it back.

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Yes, but I’m remarried and the last of the kids left 18 months ago. Not daily, his body can’t cope with that (tmi?) but it’s good. In between it’s about the little things, a peck on the lips, a cuddle, snuggles on the sofa and that he does 80% of the housework now he’s retired, ok different subject but i find it very attractive in a man!

Welcome to Motherhood.

It's relentliss...

My husband and I are attachment parents by choice and bedshare with our 5 yo from when she gets in with us (usually around midnight).
I work term-time so taking days off together is never an option either and when daughter is off school she is always with me!!
So for us it's been all about making time for one another when we can.
No regrets.

I agree with this completely, I'm afraid. I divorced a man who was decent/ professional job/ good-looking/ funny/ good father because in the end I think it boiled down to the fact I just didn't fancy him enough, he felt it & just stopped making the effort. We drifted & the rot set in.

Thankfully he's still a great father 18 years later & we get on brilliantly. I met my now DP almost 16 years ago & the chemistry has been there right from the start.

We’ve had some really passionate nights over the last couple of years again. One particular night, having our own little party with no set plans, turned into an insane passionate evening.

Our children are older now.
We’ve been together 22+ years, there has been dry spells over the years, but we’ve always been affectionate. It’s not just about sex.