To not contribute to DH child maintenance

[Redbean667]

So DH is self employed and gets paid weekly he has 1 DS and pays maintenance to his mum weekly and has child EOW as works away. I have 2 DS and work 12.5 hour shifts and my mum helps me with school pick up and drop offs (both teenagers) when I am working- DSS school is around 1 hour from us as his mums is 40 mins away and it’s 20 mins further from her house.
we had DSS last weekend when his mum rings Sunday late afternoon to say she forgot to say she is on holiday and was already at the airport so DSS will be with us for the week. Due to my shifts and own children I could not work school runs that late notice so DH had to take the week off- unfortunately was a vital week for his work before they finish one job and move to the next so he was let go as had let them down last minute.
He has told ex he lost job and maintenance will not commence until he finds another and he will let her know when this is- she has sent text saying I have to pay it and it’s my responsibility.
I have said absolutely not as I am now trying to find money for our home and bills because she decided to not give adequate notice for her holiday and I actually don’t have enough to cover everything at my home and pay her. Texts from ex are getting increasingly angry as she is in holiday and ‘needed that money while away’ saying what I disgrace I am letting her son go without- I pointed out he hasn’t gone without as is our home.
so AIBU for not paying her

It is not cheeky at all for her to request child maintenance. However, she was unreasonable not to let your partner know of her holiday plans in advance, so that they could agree childcare arrangements. (Presumably your DH couldn't afford a babysitter/childminder to take his DS to/from school?) And it's not on for her to assume you should take on her ex's child maintenance payments, so YANBU for not paying.

You’re certainly not legally responsible and imo you’re not morally responsible either.

In this scenario fuck around and find out applies. She pulled this stunt and as a direct result her child’s father has lost his income. Which sucks for him and now it sucks for her and more importantly, their son.

Everything seems to run from one extreme to the next in your family.

Dad can only have SS every other weekend, so mother drops him off last minute and effs off.
Dad in turn cannot make it to work, so loses his job.
Mom gives enough notice, OP has to reschedule her entire week to accommodate.
Dad has been out of work for a week, so zero CM.
Mom is broke on HOL, so has resorted to harassing you for CM.

How utterly exhausting.

It's not your responsibility to pay CM, but this may be an opportunity to have a better system in place to properly include your stepson. Mom could fall ill or have another genuine emergency, and your husband can't be unemployed every time something crops up.

Why just fathers? That could apply to either parent couldn't it? We all know mothers who work flat out and have very little interest or involvement with their children, are judged badly by society, so why shouldnt men be? Is it different for some reason?

She’s having a laugh

What a shitty person she is! No, you obviously don't owe her child maintenance, and I wouldn't contribute to it. I'd sincerely hope she's low on money, has to count every penny, and doesn't enjoy her holiday at all.

This
she can go thru CSA

@Naunet

If a mother's working circumstances mean that she could only see her children in a more limited fashion, I wouldn't judge her either.

What a dirty trick for her to pull! What a load of bullocks that she forgot she was going on fucking holiday?!
She knew damn well what she was doing. Hardly in the best interest of her poor son is it? Hopefully he will be too young to understand his own mother deliberately abandoned him to go on holiday.
Absolutely your husband should stop paying CMS if he's not working. Its based on HIS salary and only that alone, not household income. If she contacts the CMS they will say the same. Its her mess, she needs to deal with the consequences of her actions. The child's father is now out of work because she fancied a jolly week away without any thought for anyone else. Boo fucking hoo to her, I hope it was worth it and people wonder why co-parenting is so fucking difficult with mothers like her about.

Good for you. Im entitled to my own views though and that view is that men should be held to the same standard as women when it comes to parenting.

Because people were discussing fathers lol

A4nd no I don't know women who are judged for working flat out with kuds

Err, they were also discussing fathers that see their kids every other weekend, not father's that live with their kids, but that was fine for you to introduce?! One rule for you, another for me, is it?! I think we're done here.

What an awful situation. Not going with the grain of mumsnet, but some mums are just shitty!

Having him EOW is pretty normal when there is distance so I don’t think he should be getting flamed like he does.

In no world is her behaviour acceptable. It’s sad he lost his job but he sounds like a decent man who wants to help his child.

If you go through CMS call them and explain he’s lost his job (you don’t need to go into why they don’t care) and that he won’t be able to afford child maintenance until he gets a new one. Technically you are mean to tell them when your wage changes by a certain % so you can just fill out a change of income form as this is the case.

If not through CMS don’t pay her a penny. Honestly some mothers baffle me! Hope he finds another job quickly.

There really must have been some other option other than your DH losing his job. Could you not stick him in a cab there and back? Or ring the school for advice?

Some mums think they're the main character and can use their children as weapons to poke at their exes.

Don't give her a penny.

You are not liable for your DH child maintenance, I would be blocking his ex if she is contacting you directly.
As it was such an important week for your DH was the only option him missing work? Wasn’t there any alternative ie friends, a local childminder, family member that could have helped out for that week with before/after school.
It’s done now, and his ex will just have to wait for him to get a new job, she was the one that ‘forgot’ to say she was going on holiday.
I hope your DH finds something again soon.

Some mothers are disgraceful, but you can’t tell Mumsnet that !
It sounds like a trick dh ex would’ve pulled, forgot she’s going on holiday, does she think you were born yesterday?! And then to demand you pay her 😂

This, or (very expensive) taxis. But at least he'd still have his job. Seems like a rather extreme result of the situation...

I do strongly believe in parents living close together post divorce, but we don’t know who moved away here

Is he self employed or employed? You've implied both. If he's employed, surely he's entitled to emergency family leave so I'd be seeking advice. If he's self employed like you said initially why is this job his only work?

Why not taxis to his mum's where he would jump on the bus? I realise that's expensive but not worth losing a job over!

Not your circus, not your monkeys. Block her. Cma will just go to £0 whilst he’s unable to work. Stupid cow did it to herself!

@Naunet

I agree that men and women should be held to the same standards. That's why I don't judge either men or women who, through a valid reason, don't see their children as much as might be hoped or preferred.

@MagnoIiaHold on a minute. What if the mom moves away ? Should the father follow her around all over the country?! Dh ex moved literally, off the top of my head, 5 times ! Why should we always uproot ourself and our children together because she couldn’t hold a relationship down ?!