To not contribute to DH child maintenance

[Redbean667]

So DH is self employed and gets paid weekly he has 1 DS and pays maintenance to his mum weekly and has child EOW as works away. I have 2 DS and work 12.5 hour shifts and my mum helps me with school pick up and drop offs (both teenagers) when I am working- DSS school is around 1 hour from us as his mums is 40 mins away and it’s 20 mins further from her house.
we had DSS last weekend when his mum rings Sunday late afternoon to say she forgot to say she is on holiday and was already at the airport so DSS will be with us for the week. Due to my shifts and own children I could not work school runs that late notice so DH had to take the week off- unfortunately was a vital week for his work before they finish one job and move to the next so he was let go as had let them down last minute.
He has told ex he lost job and maintenance will not commence until he finds another and he will let her know when this is- she has sent text saying I have to pay it and it’s my responsibility.
I have said absolutely not as I am now trying to find money for our home and bills because she decided to not give adequate notice for her holiday and I actually don’t have enough to cover everything at my home and pay her. Texts from ex are getting increasingly angry as she is in holiday and ‘needed that money while away’ saying what I disgrace I am letting her son go without- I pointed out he hasn’t gone without as is our home.
so AIBU for not paying her

Or if his dad did to/50 then she wouldn't get maintenance. Not all blokes are trying to avoid seeing their kids and there's an awful lot of mothers don't want 50l50

God fathers can't win can they? Leave your kid with your new partner for a week whilst you work away - shirking bastard looking to dump his parenting responsibilities on the nearest woman. Stay home to look after him - shirking bastard doesnt want to pay for his kid.

But if he did 50:50 then no child maintenance

Leaving a child with their father isn't abandoning him ffs

Unlikely for a 12 year old one a 2 hour round trip morning and afternoon

Thats not something court's agree to. If a man wants to see his child more than every other weekend, he will have the full backing of the courts.

OK this defo makes a difference!

I always thought YANBU not to pay but can understand why maybe DH having the time off was the only option - presumably therefore DSS doesn’t like sudden changes to routine?

So?

I can understand why she wants a break if the DSS can't be left on his own, but she went the wrong way about it.

Is it possible for DH to now find a more family friendly job? He does not do much parenting of his DC

Feels like this might be a good idea all round - Mum gets a reality check re money and Dad spends more time with his child.

I wouldn’t normally say that about a Mum but this woman sounds awful - never having taken her son on holiday is the worst bit in my eyes! But the last minute announcement of the holiday she “forgot“ to mention is also pretty bad.

Hopefully your DH’s next job is closer to home so he can have his son a lot more 🤞🤞

Wow, I send one last message
“Play stupid games, win stupid prizes”.
Your H lost his job, & 2 families are broke now due to her deliberate sabotage.
There is no way you have the money or responsibility tio give her one single penny. So she can basically get to Fuck

I’m not sure where to start with this one! She’s either hard of thinking or a cheeky fucker! (I’m joking -she’s clearly a massive cheeky fucker!). Who “forgets” they are going on holiday?! Doesn’t arrange care of her child properly, causes someone to lose their job for being responsible, demands maintenance to spend on her holiday -it’s not even the child holiday and then tries to get the step mum to subsidise her. Has she expressed any regret about what she has done to her son or causing his dad to lose his job? I would message her back a laughing crying emoji followed by NO. Then block her. She’s mental. I would like more information about any other stunts she has pulled or try to pull, this isn’t her first rodeo

Agreed. I bet the mum is strategically blocking this, rather than actually thinking about her child

This is the most bizarre story I've ever heard. She forgot she was going on holiday until she was at the airport and so didn't let her child know he wasn't coming home for the week? Presumably as your husband only sees him twice a month, he doesn't have all his things at yours? How come he had school uniform with him? Very confusing.

Personally in your husband's situation, I'd be pursuing an unfair dismissal complaint. What if his ex dropped dead, he'd presumably have to take care of his child then?

Obviously you aren't required to pay maintenance for a child that isn't yours, no.

It wasn't so commonplace a decade agoWell the mum is mo

As I said she has around 3 holidays per year child free all minimum of 1 week- we take the children away either for 2 weeks in a block or 2 lots of 1 week holidays a year. DH had him a week in April half term, had booked time off in summer holidays and then family holiday in October plus as much as she allows over Xmas as his work shuts down for most part but obviously she does most of the parenting so he gets what she and DSS are happy with. He plans regular time off in half terms and we account for that financially as he doesn’t get paid holidays

Tell her you want 50/50 custody of dss and so no more maintenance

It’s not your responsibility to pay it but you and DH are a family so money is pooled. I’d be having dss more whilst hubby is job hunting & so you are making sure is not losing out so much by Maintenance not being paid to the awful grabby mum

What point was she trying to make? That she's an absolute failure of a parent and general human?

How is he going to have 50/50 custody when he couldn't manage a week without losing his job?

Is it legal to fire someone because they had to take emergency childcare leave?

I would be ringing SS.

If DH had gone away on holiday or for work etc then she would have left DS without ensuring there was someone there to look after him.

I would tell DH to tell her to go through CMS, that way if his income drops he’ll pay less.

I would not be paying for the week he’s with you but DH needs to continue paying or have him more.

And you are married so your income will be taken into account too.

Oh wow op give her mother of year award what type of person dumps there own child like that. I would be texting her to say no child maintenance until dh is back in work and your home is back on its feet with the loss of income due to her being an entitled bitch. and next time she does this to her son you report her for child neglect sorry op just because dad is around doesn’t mean he’s available all week. She is fucking selfish and you tell her the week of she went away without a care for her own son covers a few months maintenance payments and her holidays are not to be funded by her sons child maintenance she’s a joke of a mum doing this to you all. I would be asking her for money cheeky bitch.

"... How did he get fired? The UK has employment law and he cannot just be sacked for taking a week of emergency parental leave. What are the specifics around his job?..."

He isn't an employee, he's self-employed. (Management consultant, sub-contractor, brickie, who knows?).

Whoever he's working for has decided he can't be relied upon and has terminated the business arrangement.

Report her to social services, that’s what a family lawyer would advise you to do as what she did was child abandonment and if there ever ends up being a court case, it’s the only way it can be properly documented.

Irrelevant to now. People need to stop making excuses for absent fathers.

Having said that, this woman is also clearly an appalling parent. It's the child I feel sorry for.