To not contribute to DH child maintenance

[Redbean667]

So DH is self employed and gets paid weekly he has 1 DS and pays maintenance to his mum weekly and has child EOW as works away. I have 2 DS and work 12.5 hour shifts and my mum helps me with school pick up and drop offs (both teenagers) when I am working- DSS school is around 1 hour from us as his mums is 40 mins away and it’s 20 mins further from her house.
we had DSS last weekend when his mum rings Sunday late afternoon to say she forgot to say she is on holiday and was already at the airport so DSS will be with us for the week. Due to my shifts and own children I could not work school runs that late notice so DH had to take the week off- unfortunately was a vital week for his work before they finish one job and move to the next so he was let go as had let them down last minute.
He has told ex he lost job and maintenance will not commence until he finds another and he will let her know when this is- she has sent text saying I have to pay it and it’s my responsibility.
I have said absolutely not as I am now trying to find money for our home and bills because she decided to not give adequate notice for her holiday and I actually don’t have enough to cover everything at my home and pay her. Texts from ex are getting increasingly angry as she is in holiday and ‘needed that money while away’ saying what I disgrace I am letting her son go without- I pointed out he hasn’t gone without as is our home.
so AIBU for not paying her

Yanbu
Your manager is about to discover the concept of discretionary effort

I’m not 100% sure but I think it’s illegal in the UK.

Of course it is if the father is not in a position to have him! Any court in the land would disagree with you on that I’m afraid.

The son does have additional needs and if it’s not his typical routine, then it could be unsettling for him

Well this is why fathers who don't do more than EOW should not move so far away that it makes it impossible for the child/ren to get to school/do their usual activities should the mother be unable to care for the child/ren for whatever reason at any time. WHY isn't he in the same town/adjacent town? Poor kid.

Tell her you're keeping the kid as she's abandoned him without notice, that it's been reported and she'll have to go to court to get him back. So therefore CM isn't needed.

All bollocks like but it'll ruin her holiday. Have stern words when she gets back. That as she's to blame for job loss, she won't be getting any more money until another one is found.

But it's still not abandonment

Where does it say the dad moved away? Maybe the mum moved away? Or maybe no one moved away, the son could attend a school further away that best meets his individual needs -this has been the situation of some of my friends with neurodivergent children

It very much is when his father works away, and you haven’t discussed changing the contact schedule and you don’t tell them until you are at the airport… and it results in a job loss.

She isn’t responsible enough to be a parent, and I’d be taking the kid full time.

@Naunet

From how the OP describes her partner in her updates, it really doesn't sound to me like the Dad is an absent father or an appalling parent.

Sometimes circumstances (such as the nature of the job) don't allow a parent to see as much of their children as they might like or otherwise do. As long as the son is happy with the arrangement (as OP has indicated that he is) that's really all that matters, surely?

My heart goes out to your DSS because of his mother’s lack of care. He is the one mostly hurt by all of this, but do not let that be the reason you feel you need to pay anything, you absolutely do not. Hope everything works out ok, a shit situation for all!

It is. And she would have a fight in court to get him back full time.

This is an absolute shit show for that poor child. I think your DH should go to Court and ask to have him full time and get him into a school near you, with support. His ex sounds like an absolute psychopath and shouldn’t be in charge of a guinea pig, let alone a child with SEN.

I would be reporting her to social services too.

I'd like to see it. My ex ( complete dickhead) actually reported me to the police once for " abandoning DC)"

Id left them with him ( we even were living in the same house) and went out after an argument.

He took the kids on a train to his mother's and told her id abandoned them then she rang my mother who heard him shouting in the background and said " isn't that X I can hear, how can the children be abandoned when they are with their father"

And in the OP seeing as dad took the time off due to the boy and obviously if had him full time he'd go to a more local school. I doubt a court would see ihi as abandoned

I would do this and if dad’s lost his job, then he can find one that is more family friendly and therefore it won’t affect his new employment.

A child with asd is likely to have a more than average need for stability and consistency and may not suit 50:50. Access arrangements are supposed to be for the benefit of the child, maybe eow and chunks of the holidays suit this one?

It’s her fault that he can no longer pay maintenance- he lost his job because of her “forgetting” to tell him about the holiday.

So now she’ll just have to live with the consequences. You’re not responsible for paying it, make sure you don’t.

Every other weekend is absent. I grew up with a dad I only saw every other weekend, I speak from direct experience.
It was the mother I called appalling by the way, and that too is without hearing all her excuses.

That’s the most pathetic thing I’ve ever heard!
What an absolute waste of space!!

I actually misread the OP and thought the mum had dropped him off at school and then texted dad saying she’s off on holiday - that would be abandonment as DH may not have even been in the country.

But as DS was already at DH’s then it’s not abandonment as he’s with his dad.

I’m not sure how he got sacked though.
I would have taken the first couple of days off sick and then worked something out for the other days.

How does it work in families where the father lives with them but has odd work shifts. Do they count as absent also despite the fact they are working to support them

This is crazy. Her ds is at your home where you are feeding him for a week so why should you be giving her anything?

My ex?? Yeah I 100% agree with you there. Fortunately I've only set eyes on him twice in about 20 years

@Naunet

Well, we'll just have to disagree on what qualifies as 'absent', I suppose, I don't see it that way.

You said that the mother is "also" an appalling parent, which suggests that you think that epithet applies to the Dad as well.

Wow she wins mother of the year! Just buggering off and leaving her kid for a week and likely not even telling him is just wow!

Absolutely not your place to pay maintenance or even provide childcare (unless you want to).

What a deeply unpleasant person she must be.
On reflection it was a huge impact for your other half to take a week off or more to the point lose his job over not being able to do school runs.
I agree with those who say that surely there could have been someone to help cover for this time ? You say your children are teenagers. Are they not able to get themselves to and from school ? They will have to learn to do so at some point. Don’t know how old DSS is either ?
I would go back to his employer if I were him and ask for his old job back. Explain it was a mess up. But that it won’t happen again.
You will miss his income.