To not contribute to DH child maintenance

[Redbean667]

So DH is self employed and gets paid weekly he has 1 DS and pays maintenance to his mum weekly and has child EOW as works away. I have 2 DS and work 12.5 hour shifts and my mum helps me with school pick up and drop offs (both teenagers) when I am working- DSS school is around 1 hour from us as his mums is 40 mins away and it’s 20 mins further from her house.
we had DSS last weekend when his mum rings Sunday late afternoon to say she forgot to say she is on holiday and was already at the airport so DSS will be with us for the week. Due to my shifts and own children I could not work school runs that late notice so DH had to take the week off- unfortunately was a vital week for his work before they finish one job and move to the next so he was let go as had let them down last minute.
He has told ex he lost job and maintenance will not commence until he finds another and he will let her know when this is- she has sent text saying I have to pay it and it’s my responsibility.
I have said absolutely not as I am now trying to find money for our home and bills because she decided to not give adequate notice for her holiday and I actually don’t have enough to cover everything at my home and pay her. Texts from ex are getting increasingly angry as she is in holiday and ‘needed that money while away’ saying what I disgrace I am letting her son go without- I pointed out he hasn’t gone without as is our home.
so AIBU for not paying her

Ha ha - nice try (her)! This falls very much into the silly games and silly prizes category imo

You have no responsibility to pay CM to her. If your DH was intentionally out of work I might think differently on a moral basis, but in this case he clearly was working, wants to work, and it’s her fault he isn’t! And either way you have no legal responsibility to.

Where do you live where a 12 yo needs running to school though? Thats a bit unfortunate as this would be avoided by there just being public transport. Is there a way he can get there by himself when your DH goes back to work?

If she’s putting the guilts on you re her child, perhaps offer to have DS live with you til DH is back to work, seeing as he has the time? (Edit - I’m assuming that like most parents your DH would like that as a bonus!)

I too feel like this was handled terribly but the mother of course, but the dad also acted quite illogically. He should not have jeopardised his job for this. The son is in high school, he could have just dropped him off early and picked up late if there was no public transport for him to use or worse case let the kid have the week off.

Edited to add that I just realised the dad works away. So public transport or taking the week off school would have been better.

This is true too - schools runs for a 12 yo shouldn’t be insurmountable

Ex is taking the absolute piss. I'd block her on your phone and have no more communication with her. Your dp needs to tell her to go through cms if she wants further payments and remind her that she has just cost him his job because she abandoned their child. I'd also be seeking legal advice if I was him and looking at jobs that enable him to have his child full time if his mum can just abandon the kid like that. That's really emotionally damaging for a child to be weaponised like that.

No my shifts were Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday this week.
his ex takes around 3 holidays a year (has never taken DSS) and we have never refused to have him for a holiday I tend to swap shifts to weekends etc when she goes away.
DSS could not go to my mums as she also works part time but my kids school is on route so she can help with that but is not home all day

How many times a year does he have his son for a week long block at a time? He isn’t doing his share of parenting at all, so how often does he actually step up and do a week?

How many times has he said no when his ex has asked him to cover some extra time?

What the ex did is ridiculous, and you are not responsible for paying maintenance. Not at all. If she continues to message then report her harassment to the police. Your partner cannot pay maintenance if he doesn’t have a job so that’s done for now.

How did he get fired? The UK has employment law and he cannot just be sacked for taking a week of emergency parental leave. What are the specifics around his job?

However, your step son is old enough to stay home alone. He could have had a few days off school, and you could have found a way to manage a couple of pick ups and drop offs between you. It was an idiotic choice to make to lose his job over this.

So, his dad could have been late/left early on Monday as an emergency for parental leave, you step son could have stayed home Tuesday and Wednesday (old enough to be home alone) and you could have done his school run Thursday and Friday.

If dad was working away that week then he could have been late on the Monday and your step son is in high school - he could have gone out after school, gone to a library, a coffee shop, swimming… anything in walking or bus/train distance from his school. To be collected by you after work.

Why would you, as a couple, choose the option that meant your partner lost his job?

DSS is not able to be left home alone if we had kept him off as he is not mature enough for that I am afraid- he nearly burnt the house down cooking something a few weeks ago when we went to the vet with the dog so that is not a safe option

@SnappyQuoter (great name), he is self employed so I imagine he just lost the contract he was doing. I think you have very few rights in that situation.

Well she’s on holiday atm so I suppose that counts…..

Is he not able to just get to school and back alone?

My DS is very young for 12 (ND) and can get back and forth to school alone and spend time in the house alone til I get back from work

@SnappyQuoter

I would assume that it didn't occur to them that the dad's employer would take such drastic action?

They might have expected a reprimand, but I don't see how they could have known beforehand that OP's partner would lose his job.

This might be a bigger issue than the CMS!

I would ignore ex and leave your husband to sort it out between them.

A 12 year old should be able to have a day alone at home. Since your husband isn’t working, I’d suggest he uses this time to keep his son full time and start teaching him life skills.

Have you reported to anyone that she abandoned the child? I’d have called social services to report her, and then when she comes back, I wouldn’t hand the child over. Call CMS and make a maintenance claim against her, put in a rival child benefit claim
and start court proceedings to keep the child full time. He needs better parenting if he isn’t mature enough to manage a few hours alone. And his mum literally abandoned him without arranging care for him.

I’d go nuclear. Take him full time. Make her fight it in court.

Not in a million years would I pay a penny.

I think it was mad for your husband to take a week off if that was any risk Whatsoever of him losing his job.

Could the father not have told him that he wasn't allowed to cook from now on and that unfortunately this situation had arisen and that he needed to help out by being responsible and not burning the house time while other people were out?

you absolutely should not be contributing towards any child maintenance put it almost seems like your husband was trying to get revenge on his ex by putting his job at risk in this way.

Now he hasn't got a job he can look after his own son full-time therefore hugely decreasing the financial burden on his ex.

Is it fuck up to you to pay her maintenance.

tell her to go to the cms.

Hope your partner gets a new job soon.

Of course you are not liable. No step-parent is, nor should they be expected to be.
Both bio parents should be financially responsible for their child or children.

I start work at 7.45 in a completely different direction to DSS school and finish at 8.15 pm (mostly) so no I couldn’t ask him to wait around until I am finished.
DSS gets a bus too school from his mums but we are around an hour drive to his school which was I think 3 buses and a roughly 2 hour journey (with changes and waiting for buses) when DH looked.
DH work is around 5 hours away so he normally leaves Sunday night and finishes lunchtime Friday and home later afternoon ish

I would have done everything I could to have avoided DH to lose his job- including paying for taxis, getting other friends / relatives to help, even keeping him off school on those days you couldnt arrange transport etc because him not earning impacts on you. I get this is nothing to do with your question- and absolutely no, you should not pay the ex as that's nuts.

This is just excuses for why we shouldnt expect men to be equal parents. It doesn't wash. No one forced him to have kids, he made a free adult choice, he is responsible for that choice and parenting his children. What would he do if OP or his ex died? Put the kids into care because his job must come before all else?

She is not responsible enough to have custody at all. Maintenance is not your responsibility. YANBU

Sorry DSS is SEN (ASD) so can not be left safely at this stage

The poor kid! Agree op, nothing to do with you, good ye both stepped up for the boy

Your husband needs to find a family friendly job ffs, he barely sees his first child and can't be around much for your shared children either, it's not good enough.