To not contribute to DH child maintenance

[Redbean667]

So DH is self employed and gets paid weekly he has 1 DS and pays maintenance to his mum weekly and has child EOW as works away. I have 2 DS and work 12.5 hour shifts and my mum helps me with school pick up and drop offs (both teenagers) when I am working- DSS school is around 1 hour from us as his mums is 40 mins away and it’s 20 mins further from her house.
we had DSS last weekend when his mum rings Sunday late afternoon to say she forgot to say she is on holiday and was already at the airport so DSS will be with us for the week. Due to my shifts and own children I could not work school runs that late notice so DH had to take the week off- unfortunately was a vital week for his work before they finish one job and move to the next so he was let go as had let them down last minute.
He has told ex he lost job and maintenance will not commence until he finds another and he will let her know when this is- she has sent text saying I have to pay it and it’s my responsibility.
I have said absolutely not as I am now trying to find money for our home and bills because she decided to not give adequate notice for her holiday and I actually don’t have enough to cover everything at my home and pay her. Texts from ex are getting increasingly angry as she is in holiday and ‘needed that money while away’ saying what I disgrace I am letting her son go without- I pointed out he hasn’t gone without as is our home.
so AIBU for not paying her

You have no formal responsibility to pay maintenance. You are perfectly reasonable in telling DSS's mum that the answer is no, you will not discuss it further, and (if you like) that any further communications should go through DSS's dad.

It sounds like DH has lost a contract, not an actual job, because he could not work during the week DSS was unexpectedly with you? In some cases, he might still have legal recourse but it depends very much on the circumstances (e.g., if it's a long term contract, etc.) If not, and if he did everything he could to minimise the impact on his client while still making sure his son was cared for adequately and the client will not reconsider the decision to end the contract, then he needs to move on BUT ALSO examine what happened and see if he can get some safeguards and back-up plans in case so it doesn't happen again.

If the money his ex is asking for is part of a formal arrangement he will need to pay it from another source but it is none of his ex's business how he works that out (including borrowing from you if that made sense); she should be completely out of any discussions. BUT I would look at (1) whether he really owes what he is paying - if ex is routinely sending DSS to DH when she is scheduled to have him, DH should count up the nights DS has spent at each house over the last year and see if he actually owes as much money as he has been paying and (2) if there is a formal arrangement, he can challenge his ex on violating it. If there is not a formal arrangement, it may be time for one.

Did I say anything about OP's responsibility?

No.

Did I say that you said anything about the OP's responsibility?

Wow what an amazing mother just oh yeah I’m not picking him up your problem.

Poor kid. Did he even know that his mother was going away?

Not your responsibility to pay his maintenance which if he has zero wage will become zero anyway.

You’re not liable to cover any shortfalls in CM.

My DH’s ex-wife tried this. 24hrs after we got married she demanded he call her and discuss the increase in CM she would be getting now his household had two incomes. She took it to CMS who told her that’s not how it works!

Just ignore her.

Obviously you shouldn't and can't pay her, your household will need all your income now.

My DSD is now an adult but when she was a child we only had her EOW as her Mum wanted to do weekend stuff with her as well so we shared weekend. We were not near enough to her to have her mid week. We took her on holidays, as did her Mum. You can't assume that EOW just suits the Dad, it might be mutual consent, not saying it is but ...

My ex expected me to pay when he quit his job. I didn’t because I was already covering DSC costs when with us, it caused huge fall outs but I’m glad I stuck to my guns.

Was that really the only option? Like others have said was there no one he could ask? Would you have lost your job if you took emergency leave? Taxi? Kid staying home with a babysitter for the week? Anything would have been better than losing a job (is that even legal in the UK - to fire someone like that/)

You have absolutely no obligation to pay any maintenance to his ex. None.

Does your dh worry at all about how his son's needs will be met without his maintenance?

He's self employed. Probably lost a contract over it ....

You're not unreasonable to not pay. Your husband's child support payments aren't your responsibility. Even CMS will inform her that your wages wouldn't be used to calculate what maintenance is payable to her as he is your husband's son not yours. Plus to be honest she's already admitted that she's counted on that money for her holiday spends-lets not forget that it's a holiday that she was never planning on including her son in. What she has done is underhanded and did she even tell her son that he was staying at his dad's for a week whilst she jetted off on holiday planning to use his dad's contribution to his upbringing to spend on herself?

just text her

If you feel that I should be paying child maintenance for DDS then please do put in a claim to the CMS and I will compile with all their requests and we can take it from there. For now though until I hear from the CMS I am not responding to any more message concerning this matter.

I never knew that.

I’m not sure how I feel about that tbh.

Part of me agrees with it but then part of me finds it unfair.

A man can leave his wife and kids, go shack up with someone else, he could then choose to work PT or not at all if she’s got a good career and then it’s his kids who miss out.

Surely it is illegal to fire someone taking parental leave? I’d challenge that!

and yeah you not liable for the maintenance

Are your DS with your DH or are they stepchildren?

Only reason I’m asking is because while the ex seems horrid (and irresponsible to just bolt without making sure the child has proper arrangements!), if you work PT and DH contributes towards your children, then I do think it’s fair you’re also expected to contribute to his, if that makes sense.

The ex is responsible for his inability to pay, the 'mother' knew exactly what she was doing, calling from the airport and 'forgetting' her son, if she did forget his existence she is guilty of child neglect. The OP should not have to pay for her neglect of her child, it's entirely the 'mother's' fault.

We are actually in the same town we have always lived in and that they lived in when they were married but she moved area due to her new husbands job

Does your dh worry at all about how his son's needs will be met without his maintenance?

He probably cares more that his ex does, swanning off without ensuring how her son would manage?

Traditionally, replies are a response to the message they quote.

The poor child. How much is the maintenance? Hopefully it's not a pitiful sum, which is often the case with self-employed non resident parents.

I work 3 days but they are 12.5 hour shifts with an extra shift once a month making it full time work.
we couldn’t find a babysitter or pay someone as it was 5pm on Sunday and my husband travels to his leaving about 7pm Sunday so no time to sort anything- he is self employed so sub contractor in trade so lost the contract with the company who can let him go with no notice or warning

Ooh I feel for you. My stepdd came one weekend and her mum refused to take her back, so we had her for years before she went to uni. I found out after a year that DH was still paying child support, I was furious. I suppose she needed the money for her brand new merc, grrrr!

Sometimes to stay in the line of their career people just need to go where the work is. Its not always as easy as get work at home.

And that's why its the children I feel sorry for.

@MagnoIiadid it not occur to you that maybe the child’s mother moved away from her ex husband?
Always blame the father eh?