Feel absolutely devastated my dd isn’t coming home this summer

[Lemonmeringue76]

My dd is not coming home from uni this summer, even though the holidays 4 months long. All my friends’ children are; all over social media I see posts about not long until they come home and his all these parents can’t wait. We had such a lovely summer last year - a holiday, spa days , lunches and shopping. I had it in my head I’d get two or three more summers until she had a full time job and would move away.
I was getting so excited and now I feel so down about it. I keep thinking I am literally the person paying for her rent in her uni city and I have paid to make myself this unhappy.

You don’t know that - the evidence doesn’t say that

even if she did OP still needs to let her be free

You’ve paid to give your daughter the tools for an independent life.

Your happiness is not her responsibility. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but it’s part of being a parent.

I wouldn’t let her know you’re upset. My daughter is just about to graduate and she was originally going to come back to her home town but now, she may not. I secretly would love her to come home but I know that’s selfish and I must support primarily what she wants to do.

This is the age when they find themselves and you will be an after thought until they need you.

Read the post is all I can say

You don't know that she would move away.

That is inevitable, something we all face. This will pass.

Your daughter obviously prefers her current job to the one at home, she can also stay living where she is. Nobody can blame her for that, you may still be supporting her but she is gradually becoming more independent, which we all did.

I am surprised she doesn't want a couple of weeks off to go away somewhere but she may have some plans for the summer with friends.

You could visit her for a few days, go out and about while she is at work and spend time with her in the evenings or during her time off. That of course depends where she is and if it is an interesting, pleasant area.

Good luck.

Some parents actually like and enjoy their children's company and vice versa, and it's not outrageous for the OP to be sad about that company ending. And while kids need their own life, of course, they're not antelope or something - you don't just kick your mum with your hooves once they've outlived their direct usefulness and gambol away. Some kids do have a bit of empathy, and might try to come home a little more (work not withstanding, obviously). Of course the OP can be sad without a sneering "ugh, spa weekends" response and a suggestion she's an overinvested monster (although I'd keep the rent out of it, yes).

She could live in a shared house after uni until she gets herself up on her feet. I hope she finds a job after uni.

I do understand how you feel, my daughter hasn’t been home since Christmas and whilst she is coming back in June she isn’t here long. But I am so very proud of her and proud of me for raising a strong independent girl who knows she is loved but is spreading her wings.

You are not being unreasonable. You do not sound bitter. You are not being overly controlling or whatever else this thread is accusing you of.

You love and miss your daughter. It sounds like you had a good year last year and were hoping for more of the same. I feel your pain. I can’t imagine how hard it is to watch them leave and find their own feet. You have done so well to get her to this point but yes, sounds privately devastating.

My DH worked in his university city after graduating and before he started his grad job. As a result his parents didn’t give him a present for his 21st birthday because he wasn’t at home. Some people do think it’s all about them. Needless to say, he never went home again to live. Why would you?

My DDs, at age 13, did a school exchange to South Africa. It was 3 months and I didn’t see them. It’s not a sign of anything if dc have something exciting to do. Presumably the rent is for the year so I think she’s sensible staying in it!

She is still being nannied. Our youngsters are not truly independent until they leave university and go it alone.

I think it’s because it’s unexpected. We redecorated her room last summer and bought lots of nice stuff. I then did the same for her uni room. It makes me sad how excited she was redecorating and making it nice and now she’ll hardly ever see it.
I just feel I live in the past all the time, thinking of how great things once were.

Oh don’t be silly - many have children by then

she doesn’t sound nannied at all

I understand your disappointment OP . Why don’t you book time away to visit her over the summer ? Do you think she has met someone who lives there?
How far away is the university from your hometown?

Ah, OP you sound really caring. My DD is only 4 but I felt bereft when she started school last September so I can only imagine (and dread!) how you must feel.
It’s a new chapter for you both.

I have. And her follow up remarks where she actually clarifies she said no such thing.

You're making things up.

Why were you decorating her room
when she is flying the nest?

maybe she felt pressured

I do have sympathy for your hurt but I don’t agree with others that children should compromise and come home a bit to please parents - it’s the wrong dynamic to set up

Bollocks is she. She has multiple jobs, she is organizing her housing and bills. She worked through a levels and has several qualifications she can use for work.

So, you're not paying her rent to ensure she comes to see you. You're paying her rent so that she can do a degree and make her way in the world, surely?

This was always going to happen sooner or later. You raised her to be independent, it's what parents want, even if it hurts when it happens.

Sure, it's a bit of a blow as you would have thought you'd have these summers, and that she would bounce back home after graduating as so many young people have to do - but the fact she's able to stand on her own two feet sooner than planned is surely a good thing!

I think it's just the one. She says DD.

Not at all

that’s why she clarified it - because it sounded selfish and entitled

It’s ok to feel sad about it. But obviously don’t put pressure on her. You’re only a student for 3yrs, so I don’t blame her for making the most of it. Many students are in cities for the first time, and enjoying all that has to offer. Many find home life boring, and sorry to say, but spending time with their parent isn’t always top of their list. My son lives with the girlfriend he met at uni, and whilst I miss him a lot, i’m happy that he is happy and enjoying life. They say you get 18 summers, and whilst some may get longer, many do leave home younger and that’s ok. She may well be back yet after uni. Arrange some visits to see her and get her to show you around her uni city.

OP this doesn't sound very healthy. Presumably you do want her to leave home and be independent?

One of my DC has a disability, is struggling to find work and may never leave home. I'd much rather he was in your DD's position and creating an independent life. You're lucky to have a child who can do that.

To be honest, you sound a bit smothering. I wouldn't be surprised if that is part of the reason she prefers to stay away. You are her mother, not her friend. You will always be her mother, but bou need to have a life of your own.