Feel absolutely devastated my dd isn’t coming home this summer

[Lemonmeringue76]

My dd is not coming home from uni this summer, even though the holidays 4 months long. All my friends’ children are; all over social media I see posts about not long until they come home and his all these parents can’t wait. We had such a lovely summer last year - a holiday, spa days , lunches and shopping. I had it in my head I’d get two or three more summers until she had a full time job and would move away.
I was getting so excited and now I feel so down about it. I keep thinking I am literally the person paying for her rent in her uni city and I have paid to make myself this unhappy.

Time for her to start spreading her wings - and for you to loosen the apron strings. She's not a friend - she's your child.

It’s a sad fact that our children are only on loan to us.

It’s great that she is being independent and stretching her wings.

Years ago … I left home at 16 to work abroad. I never went home to live again. My parents raised me to be independent and curious about the world. They didn’t try to harness me.

Are you quite an intense smother mother? And what do you mean by all over social media? Who on earth is all over SM judging their life when they have a kid old enough to be at uni. 🙄

My son said he probably won’t be back this summer as he’s hoping to pick up a job. I was grown up about it and said that’s a shame but I will try and go and see him.

Maybe step away from SM if you get sad making comparisons. See if you can vist her.

Same. Mine has only come home for an occasional night or two ever since he first went to uni. I miss him but I’m proud of his independence and maturity to get on with things.

Can you schedule in a short visit to see her, book a local spa near where she lives, take her for a fancy dinner, help her fill her cupboards with some nice non perishables?

Careful what you wish for.

As we were paying for their houses until mid August every year, I would’ve been bloody delighted if mine had stayed in them over the summer. Neither of them worked, so the summers at home were long and dossy. And all their mates would be here lounging around and eating everything in their paths.

Mine only stayed in their uni cities the summers they graduated - eking out every last minute of partying.

@Lemonmeringue76 stated in her opening post

"I keep thinking I am literally the person paying for her rent in her uni city and I have paid to make myself this unhappy."

Probably the reason for some of the tougher responses tbh.

I’m sorry you are upset OP, however I think you really need to come to terms with the fact she’s growing up now. It’s brilliant that she’s becoming more independent and finding her own way through life now.

There’s some posters on here whose adult children are stuck at home, with no job, no studying and no aspirations. Be thankful and proud you’ve raised the daughter you have!

I do relate here, but surely it is great that your DD has built a life for herself and is happy and secure at uni? Albeit I would not pay her rent, she’s need to cover the cost herself when she could be living for free at my house - unless she has a job so is earning and would just be sitting at home if she came home.
Maybe you could go and visit? xx

Ah OP, it is hard when you had a lovely summer planned out that you were looking forward to and now it has all changed. You are bound to be disappointed.

My DD is also staying in Uni city all summer. And will stay there for at least several years after graduation, only coming home for
short trips.

I go to visit her several times a year, some times with DH or her sister and sometimes on my own. I actually see more of her when I visit than when she comes home, as I’m usually working other than Xmas hols, and she has a great social life when she is back visiting.

I miss her but I am excited for her too.

I think you should be proud to have raised a confident, capable young woman who is finding her feet and the courage to be independent. It is probably because she feels secure and has strong foundations that she is branching out and doing her own thing at this age.
She doesn’t owe you anything. My mother paid my rent (and more) while at uni and thankfully she never held it over me. Enjoy your success in raising a wonderful daughter to adulthood. And go on holiday yourself.

She's going to school and working and you're unhappy?

She's doing what kids do, growing up and becoming an independent adult. She was going to pull away from you sooner or later, that's healthy.

I keep thinking I am literally the person paying for her rent in her uni city and I have paid to make myself this unhappy.

That's a shitty attitude. She doesn't exist to be your buddy and make you happy. That's on you. You're paying her rent so she can get higher education and a better job so she is able to be a functional adult. Time to find a life for yourself outside doing for the kids and posting it on SM.

I get the sadness, but she is a young adult now. Maybe she has friends etc staying in the same city and wants to work and hang out with them? Also, it’s great that she is independent and spreading her wings.

I am assuming you will still see her at various points?

I think the idea of moving home for a stretch when you have been gaining independence and building a life elsewhere is tricky at that age. I never went home for that length of time at her age. I stayed in my uni city and worked in the hols.

I don't know why everybody has to fall over themselves pretending how cool and unbothered they would be by this. OP can be upset about her child not coming back home AND proud of how independent she is. The two aren't mutually exclusive.

For what it's worth OP, I would be gutted. I only had one friend who stayed in our Uni town over the holidays, and that was because he had a chaotic home life.

do parents still give it the “hotel” routine?

I’ve no kids

Have to say I feel laying in bed till midday for one whole summer was a right of passage

I left at 19 and never came back. Being home from uni meant working on the fields and bearing horrible father

Op doesn't have to pay. There's no reason why she should. It can work both ways.

It’s more the posters attitude - see up thread

like she wouldn’t pay rent if she doesn’t get the company back

No she doesn’t but she’s rather treating it a bit like an emotional blackmail transaction which is what bothers some posters on here me included

Back in the 60s when I was at university studying modern languages, I spent the six months before going there working in Germany and France to improve my fluency. At the end of my first year I went straight from college back to the job in Germany for almost 3 more months, coming home only for a month before the new term started. All this time I wasn't even a legal adult as the age of majority was still 21. It was what I had to do for my course and it was the best thing I could have done, as I grew up in those two periods working abroad in a way I could never have done at home.

My husband and I have two children and we always considered it our job to bring them up to be independent adults, capable of leading their own lives and making their own decisions. Thankfully we succeeded and we've enjoyed seeing them do the same with their children. It looks like you've done it too and you should be proud.

Edited for SPAG

I didn't mean that I resented paying her rent only that I’m paying something which is the cause of my sadness! I do wish she’d wanted to go to uni nearer home. I can’t help feel a bit of a pang when I have friends whose children are real home birds.
I just miss her so much. She is my absolutely most favourite person in the world.

If she is reliant on the op that independence will end when uni finishes and then she'll be expecting op to make dinners and roofed again.

She didn't say anything of the sort though.

She pointed out the irony in the fact that she, by paying her DDs rent, has effectively created her own misery.

Was the home time job paying her enough? I was doing shifts at home at the weekend but then worked out that by the time i paid for the transport back home plus then transport to the job itself I was working for pretty much nothing. If she's under pressure financially I can see why she'd want to take the expense out of travelling.

Could you go and see her and spend some time there with her?