AIBU to consider changing my son’s surname after I marry?

[su203456]

Just looking to see if anyone has any advice or has been in a similar situation.

I fell pregnant with my son at 18. Me and his dad weren’t together long and had ended things before I found out I was pregnant. My son has my surname, not his dad’s.

Fast forward 7 years and I’m due to get married in a few months to my fiancé. We’ve since had a child together who has his surname, and I’ll be changing mine when we marry.

My son’s dad sees him every other weekend and everything is perfectly amicable, but outside of those visits he doesn’t really check in. We don’t hear from him in between, and he’s not involved in the general day-to-day things like school, clubs, appointments etc.

What’s brought this up is that my son recently asked me about surnames and said he’ll be the only one in the house with a different name?

I’m now wondering whether I should look at changing his surname so we all match as a family. My fiancé has been in his life since he was one, so he won’t remember life without him there.

Part of me worries how his biological dad would react, but then equally my son doesn’t have his surname anyway. I did think about double barrelling, but honestly both surnames together are a bit of a mouthful. I also think it’s a huge deal changing a child’s name but that could just be my anxiety!

Would it be unreasonable to consider it?

I doubt your son's Dad would agree to allow his child to carry another man's surname. If your son's Dad had never been in his life, then changing his surname wouldn't be an issue. The easiest solution is for you to keep your own name, so it's the same as your son and have your younger child double-barrell your soon-to-be husband's name with yours.

That’s brilliant!

But then people will know she has kids by different dads 😁

Children are already very well known in the school community. Daughter attends nursery within my son’s school. Secrets already out I’m afraid! I don’t think half siblings is uncommon anyway.

Definitely go with Mrs Yourname-DHName that way you link both kids and join the family together.

Great solution OP! I feel like it’s unusual for people to come on here and ask advice, and then actually take that advice

You are the link between everyone so you should keep your surname and your son should keep his name as it is! It’s his identity now. Don’t change it.

you really need to keep your own name.

The only person I know who had a similar situation did not change her name & younger child with new partner also has her name. Its a bit odd to give a child the name of an unrelated man, slightly smacks of trying to shoehorn a blended family into a traditional box.

Just keep your name and his.

Ideally you could have added your surname to your DD’s. Or could still do that.

No need for women and children to keep changing their label according to the man they are with.

This. Changing your name on marriage is a reactionary throwback to chattel days, and no child’s name should change because of his mother’s relationships.

Great idea! If we’re prioritising the best interests of children and not men’s egos why not all 4 of you have your name! 🥰

Yes Op! Love a happy ending. Sounds like you’ve got a good one there xxx

Have your husband and daughter take your name.

Double-barrel your name or keep your maiden name. You should have doubled the 2nd child’s name.
Yabu to change his name.
There is no guarantees that your marriage won’t divorce in the future. Or he can use his Father’s surname, then he’ll have someone with his surname.
Edit.. great update.

When I was younger it seemed quite common

The only one double barrelling should be your DS.

And this is unfortunately the downside to having multiple children by multiple different partners, they all have different identities and the whole family has different names.

But in truth the only viable solution is that everyone carries the name of their heritage. So you have your name, your fiance has his name, your eldest has your name, and your youngest has both their parents’ names.

If you go on to have more children with other people in the future then they have the names of their parents.

Sorry I was trying to have a (not very good) joke about some people trying to hide the fact that they have kids by different dads. Not aimed at you

WTF?!