AIBU to consider changing my son’s surname after I marry?

[su203456]

Just looking to see if anyone has any advice or has been in a similar situation.

I fell pregnant with my son at 18. Me and his dad weren’t together long and had ended things before I found out I was pregnant. My son has my surname, not his dad’s.

Fast forward 7 years and I’m due to get married in a few months to my fiancé. We’ve since had a child together who has his surname, and I’ll be changing mine when we marry.

My son’s dad sees him every other weekend and everything is perfectly amicable, but outside of those visits he doesn’t really check in. We don’t hear from him in between, and he’s not involved in the general day-to-day things like school, clubs, appointments etc.

What’s brought this up is that my son recently asked me about surnames and said he’ll be the only one in the house with a different name?

I’m now wondering whether I should look at changing his surname so we all match as a family. My fiancé has been in his life since he was one, so he won’t remember life without him there.

Part of me worries how his biological dad would react, but then equally my son doesn’t have his surname anyway. I did think about double barrelling, but honestly both surnames together are a bit of a mouthful. I also think it’s a huge deal changing a child’s name but that could just be my anxiety!

Would it be unreasonable to consider it?

giving him your new fiancés name seems like whitewashing somehow? I don’t know why you seem so keen to change your name either tbh!!

I guess your name, and him having it, is a little nod to your shared past

also, he will forever be having to put his previous names on forms etc!

Your ds has your name. That has presumably worked fine for the last 7 years so I think its daft to change either name just because you are getting married. Imo changing your name on marriage is a ridiculous outdated practice but no doubt your new dh's name is much nicer that yours. There is also the possibility that you will divorce at some point, and even possibly remarry, it could all get very messy.

only because my son has voiced his opinion about his surname.

Yes but he doesn't want to change it, he just wants to not be the only one left out which seems pretty reasonable.

Only because he now feels left out because our are changing your name away from his name.

You should keep your name and double-barrell your other child's name.

Pp raises a valid point - you don’t k ow what the future holds. If you divorce and remarry what will you do!

it just seems really messy and I think the suggestion of you double barrelling gives the best of both worlds

So you'd try to change his name to a 3rd party unrelated man, rather than just keep your own? I find that rather strange and selfish. What happens if you divorce in 5 years time...

If you divorce he would be stuck with the surname of a man who he isn't related to though.

@su203456don’t change your name and double barrel your younger childs name.

Why do you need to change yours? I don’t think you should change his name to his stepdads name. He can change it himself when he’s old enough.
What if you split? He’s then got the name of a man his mum used to be married to.

I think the perfect solution is for you to keep your own name, rather than take on your new husband’s name. It won’t make you any less of a family or cause any confusion that couldn’t be cleared in .8 of a second. My DH has his mum’s name, which is different to his brothers and step dad, and he’s never experienced any problems or issues with it.

Seems like a no brainer that you should all just keep the names you have now. Taking your fiance's surname just creates an unnecessary issue. If you later divorce then your son will have a surname of someone he has no relation to at all.

Just keep your surname.

Wouldn't it be in your child's best interest if you don't change your surname? It's not compulsory to have the same surname as your husband.

Just keep your surname the same as his. That would be a really nice thing to do for him at a time of huge change for him

What name does he want, can't you just double barrel or you and he have the same name. Have you asked his biological dad and your fiance what they think.

If you change your surname you must change your sons as well.

To be honest I don't see how it would benefit your son to take your fiancé's surname. I don't think it's got anything to do with his dad but At 7 he is used to his name and probably identifies with it. If there is going to be a baby that's a big change anyway. Id try to keep as much constant as possible especially something as personal as a name. IHowever, I also think he definitely shouldn't be the only one with a different surname. In your case I would keep your surname and double barrel the baby's name or let the baby have just your surname if your fiance is ok with that.

In your position I wouldn’t change my name. Your son shouldn’t be the only one with a different surname, but nor should he be made to change his name to that of a man who he is not related to, which is a big deal.

In this situation, I would keep your name the same as your sons then he’s not the odd one out.

Sorry. I completely misread that. Ignore.

If you don’t change yours, his issue goes away. It’s you changing your name which is causing the issue.

The child isn't 18. He's 7.

edited as no longer relevant.

I think the son is . Op was 18 when she had him.

If I have misread and he is 18 then just do whatever your son wants (but if he decides not to change his name don't change yours either)

Thanks for all the replies so far. Think a fair few of you are on the same page! Some made a good point about divorce, hard to imagine but it’s a possibility. Years ago when we had our daughter, I wanted her to have my last name but it caused tensions with in laws. I think I was too pregnant and overwhelmed to think properly at that point.