AIBU to consider changing my son’s surname after I marry?

[su203456]

Just looking to see if anyone has any advice or has been in a similar situation.

I fell pregnant with my son at 18. Me and his dad weren’t together long and had ended things before I found out I was pregnant. My son has my surname, not his dad’s.

Fast forward 7 years and I’m due to get married in a few months to my fiancé. We’ve since had a child together who has his surname, and I’ll be changing mine when we marry.

My son’s dad sees him every other weekend and everything is perfectly amicable, but outside of those visits he doesn’t really check in. We don’t hear from him in between, and he’s not involved in the general day-to-day things like school, clubs, appointments etc.

What’s brought this up is that my son recently asked me about surnames and said he’ll be the only one in the house with a different name?

I’m now wondering whether I should look at changing his surname so we all match as a family. My fiancé has been in his life since he was one, so he won’t remember life without him there.

Part of me worries how his biological dad would react, but then equally my son doesn’t have his surname anyway. I did think about double barrelling, but honestly both surnames together are a bit of a mouthful. I also think it’s a huge deal changing a child’s name but that could just be my anxiety!

Would it be unreasonable to consider it?

Who I assume he would still though in that situation, as he has been in his life since he was a baby

At the moment there is no problem. You're looking for a solution to a problem which will arise IF you change your name. Just keep names as they are?

I would keep your name. Too much of a risk if you divorce and your son is stuck with that name. I think it’s important for his self of identity,

I just mean new family as in the family he has made. Rather than the family he was born in to.

So you feel like it's right to stand up against DS's father's ego and argue he should subsume that for your DS's sake, but not to your fiance's ego? And the ego you won't stand up to is with the man you intend to live with (and have bring up your DC)?

I'd say it's more likely a judge would say it's in your child's best interest to keep your name and that if you and your partner want the same surname you should both let go of the ego and take your name as the married name.

If your DP is going to kick off about you not changing your name (that would actually be a deal breaker for me, but if it's not for you) you could double barrel your name only when you marry, so you share part of a name with all of them

I feel Option 2 is best, but I would recommend that you (and preferably DP) double barrel your name and leave the kid’s names alone.

It is not in their best interests to change their names now. Getting married is your choice, but I think you should keep part of your own identity to support your son in accepting his.

Agreed @JLou08- I can’t believe you’re considering changing your name Op given how your son feels.

Your son shouldn’t have to change his name, nor should he have to feel left out. And as a PP mentioned, what if you’ll divorce one day? Your son would be left with a name he doesn’t really have a connection with. Tbh you should put your son before your own desire to take your partners name, and keep your current name with him,

I think you need to carefully consider this.
Your son is likely too emotionally immature to make this decision formally right now.
And I wouldn't consider it fair on his bio dad.
Whatever the decision, it has to be in the best interest of the child.

Congratulations on the upcoming wedding 😊

I can completely see how this has happened so I'm not saying you are awful or anything (!), but I think you created the problem really by NOT giving DC2 your surname. So now you have a choice. Either one of the children changes, or you live with having a different surname to at least one of them, which I would not do. So, which child is easier to change.... It's got to be the youngest right? If soon-to-be-DH won't agree to that, then I absolutely wouldn't be taking his name on marriage and leaving DC1 as the odd one out, as he's already identified bless him. Actually, you will have a lot of talking and thinking to do if he shuts this down after you have explained your reasoning.

Good.luck x

I agree 100% the baby should have mum and big brothers name don’t make your big boy an outsider and don’t change his name now that’s too weird

Yes. He should put children above ego

I disagree about rewriting history. If I didn’t care about his bio dad or wanted him to disappear he wouldn’t be named on the birth certificate in the first place? The assumption I’ve started a new family in the hope to make his bio dad disappear is a bit nuts tbh.

I have re read now thank you. And I agree

I agree with those saying best option is for YOU to double barrel. Won’t be an issue at all at school - oh look, it’s Mrs Smith-Brown, mum of Harry Smith in year 3, and Daisy Brown in reception. Fairest all round!

I mean...you created this issue by giving DD your fiancé's surname and looking to change your own. Utterly utterly bizarre choice in the circumstances. No I wouldn't be looking to change my son's surname but my daughter's.

if you’re that keen to change your name you can either double barrel with your DH, or at least keep your surname as a middle name so you’re still linked to your son.

UPDATE
I have spoken to my fiancé. He’s agreed to take my last name and change our daughters too. Once I explained some of the points written on the thread he realised it’s a good option. The other option we liked was double barrelling just my name so I’m connected to both children and partner. Thanks for all the replies and advice

I have a DS who has his dad's name and two Dd with my DP they have his name. When we get married I'm not changing my name I just wouldn't feel right my son being the 'odd one out' and it would be me his mother doing that to him- so yes our home has three diff surnames and it's noones business so long as all children feel
the same

I see where you’re coming from but I wouldn’t change your son’s name, and I wouldn’t change my own either (and didn’t, when I got married).

I see you’ve resolved it too - good solution!

Love this! An evolved man 🙏

Don’t be the only one double barrelling! What does that say to your son?

Only half way, but yes, it’s something. Till he speaks to his parents, of course.