AIBU to consider changing my son’s surname after I marry?

[su203456]

Just looking to see if anyone has any advice or has been in a similar situation.

I fell pregnant with my son at 18. Me and his dad weren’t together long and had ended things before I found out I was pregnant. My son has my surname, not his dad’s.

Fast forward 7 years and I’m due to get married in a few months to my fiancé. We’ve since had a child together who has his surname, and I’ll be changing mine when we marry.

My son’s dad sees him every other weekend and everything is perfectly amicable, but outside of those visits he doesn’t really check in. We don’t hear from him in between, and he’s not involved in the general day-to-day things like school, clubs, appointments etc.

What’s brought this up is that my son recently asked me about surnames and said he’ll be the only one in the house with a different name?

I’m now wondering whether I should look at changing his surname so we all match as a family. My fiancé has been in his life since he was one, so he won’t remember life without him there.

Part of me worries how his biological dad would react, but then equally my son doesn’t have his surname anyway. I did think about double barrelling, but honestly both surnames together are a bit of a mouthful. I also think it’s a huge deal changing a child’s name but that could just be my anxiety!

Would it be unreasonable to consider it?

Nothing is permanent and he could end up with the surname of someone he isn’t related to who could very well not e
be in his life in years to come?

Waiting for “tradition”.

But he didn’t bother with tradition having a child whilst unmarried!!!

True😂

Yip. I've taught a child who took their mum's boyfriend's name so presumably had a different name from their mum (unless the mum changed her name by deed poll to her boyfriend's, which would be odd).!

I wouldn't agree it was in my child's best interest to change his surname, why can't you keep your name and keep that link with your son?

Neither would I. He is not considering your son in this. His own mammy and daddy are more important to him than his new family.

If your sons dad is in his life it is difficult, although if the son never had his dad's name, in some ways nothing will change. Ask his dad?

Appreciate the insight everyone.
So options are…

1. Keep mine and my sons name as is (good option but obviously feel a bit odd not having my daughters last name too)
2. double barrelling names - but this also adds to complications later on as some have mentioned having to submit previous names etc?
3. everyone takes my last name, this would be before my daughter is enrolled in school too which is a plus.

I don’t really think it’s fair to change your son’s name. I have been in your exact position and this is what I did.. My second child also has my surname, when I married (like you to second child’s dad) I double barrelled my name using my husband’s surname as a middle name.
I’ve never liked the idea of changing my surname due to marriage and I like the fact my kids have my name. My husband doesn’t mind.

I wouldn’t say new family! Step dad has raised him for 6 years. Sister is 3. Little involvement from bio dad - in fact my son doesn’t even like going to him!

But you already don't have the same name as your DD? You made the decision to have a different name to one of your children when she was born. If your partner wouldn't change his name (doubtful if he made a fuss about DD having his name) then double barrelling yours, and both kids, seems the way to go if both fathers would agree. If not, you could double barrel just yours and have both kids' surnames in yours.

My friend changed her DC name with school/doctors etc to her new partners/married name. It's a 'known as' so no parental permission needed.

She couldn't change passport until the DC was old enough to choose for themselves.

Option 3. Inlaw’s options completely irrelevant. DS is worried about feeling left out, he doesn’t need to be and he’s well aware of his surname while his sister probably isn’t.

She didn't mean new as in you hadn't been together long. Rather that he should be prioritising you, your son and your daughter than his parents opinions.

I’ve just re read - thanks.

I think this is the best solution. I feel you start identifying with your name once you start school which she hasn’t yet. Perhaps I should just put my foot down

What if you get divorced? Wost case scenario but it happens.

This is why I have my name, my kids have my name & if I was to marry I'd keep my name.

Keep your own surname so that your child and you have the same surname. Your child’s feelings about having the same surname as you are more important than you changing your name to your new husbands name in my opinion.

I come at this from a feminist angle (and against the vast majority as I am aware) but I can only comment on what I chose to do upon marriage.
Our daughter was born before we married and is Miss/Ms (whatever she chooses) His FamilyName - MyFamilyName.
When we married both DH and I both added on and we are the same as pur daughter (so we are Ms and Mr His FamilyName - MyFamilyName).
Had my DH not also been willing to add on then neither would I.
I retained my title.

This makes it sound like you are trying to rewrite history a bit and creating a new family with the hope your ds’s bio dad will just disappear tbh!!

to make everything easy only change one persons name - yours - double barrel. Then you have a link to dd and a link to ds.

i also wouldn’t go down the ‘known as’ route as that can be an admin nightmare!

YABU what if you got divored? Things change..

I don't think it's fair on your son to change his name. His name is his own and it's not fair to take it away. In your circs I would keep my own name, then you and your son will still share a surname. If you want to also share a name with your fiancé and other DC, then you could double barrell your own name if you want to share a name with everyone.

This!

Your children may also not like having different surnames to each other later on too. How would your fiance feel about changing his name to your name? Or blending the two names together rather than hyphenating.

Alternatively you could choose a new family name altogether. This may go down better with your ex as his child isn't having another man's name but a family name. I would tell him your son feels left out.

My friend chose a new name as her Dh's name had the word bottom in it and she refused point blank to have that, plus she didn't want to keep her Father's name, a criminal who was in prison.

The in-laws can fuck off with their opinions about names. They have the names they chose, you can choose yours.

Bear in mind if you do change his name he will have to produce the deed poll certificate every time he’s asked about previous names. Passport for example.

i am forever grateful I have never changed my name every time I fill in a form and can skip the “previously known as” section and that extra layer of paperwork and documentation.

so yes, I agree that the best solution is keep yours and your sons names, you dh can change his if he wants.