AIBU to consider changing my son’s surname after I marry?

[su203456]

Just looking to see if anyone has any advice or has been in a similar situation.

I fell pregnant with my son at 18. Me and his dad weren’t together long and had ended things before I found out I was pregnant. My son has my surname, not his dad’s.

Fast forward 7 years and I’m due to get married in a few months to my fiancé. We’ve since had a child together who has his surname, and I’ll be changing mine when we marry.

My son’s dad sees him every other weekend and everything is perfectly amicable, but outside of those visits he doesn’t really check in. We don’t hear from him in between, and he’s not involved in the general day-to-day things like school, clubs, appointments etc.

What’s brought this up is that my son recently asked me about surnames and said he’ll be the only one in the house with a different name?

I’m now wondering whether I should look at changing his surname so we all match as a family. My fiancé has been in his life since he was one, so he won’t remember life without him there.

Part of me worries how his biological dad would react, but then equally my son doesn’t have his surname anyway. I did think about double barrelling, but honestly both surnames together are a bit of a mouthful. I also think it’s a huge deal changing a child’s name but that could just be my anxiety!

Would it be unreasonable to consider it?

Your ex is on the birth certificate so you can’t change your sons name without his fathers permission.

I don’t think it’s in his best interest to change his name, it’s a big deal. He will have to explain in to his friends ds and going forward he will always have to disclose that he had a different name at one point.

OP if his father won’t allow the name change, will you still change your name when you get married?

Because that would be an incredibly strange choice

Agree with several others that your DS's interests would be best served by you not taking your fiance's surname, not by having his changed or being left as the odd-one-out.

Your second child should have your surname and your new husband can take it as well. It’s 2026. Women and children don’t have to be branded with a man’s name.

I'm not actually sure I would get married to someone who put the thoughts of his parents above my own especially on something as personal as what you named your child.

Why didn't he tell them it was none of their business and support you in naming her your surname?

Are you changing your name because you’re scared of upsetting your in laws or because your fiance expects it?

changing names is a bit out of favour these days. I’m not sure I’d bother if I married now

Your in laws have got a nerve sticking their oar in! You weren’t even married then either. Did they not care that yoir children would have different surnames?

Tell your fiancé you felt pressured and you want to change the surname of your dd to your surname and that you would love it if he changed his when you got married but if he doesn’t want to that’s fine.

Your son has your name, you have your name. New DH and your other child change to your name? Less faff down the line should you seperate.

Fiance and DC2 should change their surnames to be your maiden name/DC1. Everyone's a winner!

Personally, I would not change his name. It's a lot of change for him anyway. If I were you, I'd keep my maiden name so you and ds are the same.

No. If his dad didn’t grant permission, i would not change my name.

Agreed. I just don’t think he will go for it. Egos and all that.

Changing your child's surname is not in their best interests.

Why do you all need to have the same name? You are a blended family; it was never all going to be the same?

Exactly!

I would have given the new LO your name and kept it. Personally I'm not a fan of mother's giving their children their new husbands name but I know many won't agree. Seen it too many times where it doesn't work out and then a child is stuck with an ex partners surname that is no relation to them that never would have seen it coming at the time.

I work with kids. You'd be shocked the amount of kids who have their step dads last name... To then never see him again when they split up.
It's sad.

Why don't you and DD change to Mrs/Miss Yourname-Fiancename after marriage. You need to re-register DD after marriage anyway.

@su203456 What would your fiancé say if you said you were keeping your family name? Are you also changing your title?

Your DS keeping his surname is as much about his own interests as his father's ego. It's the name he's established under and is on his birth certificate. He will lose a connection to his father that he currently has. He will have to get used to a new name as will friends (less of an issue at this age than later, but still potentially hampering relationships). For the rest of his life, when proving his identity history he will need to provide his birth certificate and his change of name deed poll (which is not as easily replaceable as his birth certificate). He'll have to provide two names on documents asking for previous identities and possibly explain why. It can be tedious, beauraucratic and increase scrutiny.

Re-register DD? I didn’t know this!

I'd see that as a red flag to be honest. He knows it's 2026 right?

That's irrelevant.

As he is on the birth certificate, then he gets a say.

You'll have to present it in a way that he will understand his son's worry about being the only one with that surname and wanting the same surname as everyone else who he lives with.

If he says no, then he says no. And perhaps he can explain why he said no to his son?

Same. I actually wouldn’t marry a man who thought this was his decision.

Why don't you all go by your name?