Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

My husband has been acting strange/secretive with his phone for a couple of weeks now so I took it on myself to look at his phone. Yes I know it’s morally dodgy but we have each others log ins and I looked at it whilst he was feeding DS dinner (it was charging upstairs).

There is a woman who is obviously a co-worker. I only had time to look at messages from the past two days. He was in the office today. He messaged her to say please walk past my desk again so I can look at your arse. She said she’d be back up in an hour and she will walk slowly this time. He then messaged again (after about an hour) to say that was the highlight of his afternoon to which she replied she knew her trousers would get attention today and sent a peach symbol. That was the last message.

I confronted him straight away and he stormed off and hasn’t come home yet. Said how dare I look at his phone. I have tried to call him and he just declined the call. He sent a text to say I’ve betrayed his trust and he can’t believe I did that instead of speaking to him.

Am I wrong to have done this, I think that if you know something is up then it’s within your right to investigate?

No, it doesn't. You can just delete the message that says something has been deleted, the same as you would delete a normal message. There's no trace of it then.

There is a "delete for me option" which doesnt say the message has been deleted and it wouldnt delete it her end either so...

He's not telling you the truth. He told you a pack of lies initially. Now that he's had time to think he has come up with a slightly better pack of lies.

In your experience of the world which is more likely - the older more senior man is chasing the younger, new, female employee or vise versa? He is her manager. She is in her probationary period. The power dynamic is totally in his favour. His story is highly unlikely.

I'll say this - he's a terrible manager if he thinks it's OK to encourage her. Telling your boss you want to fuck them during work time would be gross misconduct in most places but he plays along

Don't rule out a parallel conversation happening on snapchat or similar. It's not that unusual to flip between apps to chat. I believe that you HAVE seen all the WhatsApp messages, but her opening gambit (lying on the desk bit) has not come out of the blue.

If you are on a probationary period in a job, you'd need to be confident as hell that a message like that would be 'well received'.

I think you should push this point and try and found out how things got to the point where she thought it would be ok to send her manager a message like that.

There will be lots of LTB on here - and that's exactly what he deserves - but it's not as easy to do as it is for a random to type. So in your shoes, I'd be making sure he understands that this is a real possibility and stressing the importance of 'full disclosure' at this point. A kind of "everything on the table now, because if it comes out down the line, any small chance of reconciliation is lost".

@Piknik "A kind of "everything on the table now" except this work woman, quite enough of that! 😲

I’m sorry OP but you’re wrong on that one, it only tells you if a message is deleted if you delete it for everyone. If you just delete it for yourself, it doesn’t show anything at all just removes the message, it was like it was never there.

I do hope they’re not stupid enough to do this on Teams. My entire team had our Teams chats investigated by our IT Dept due to bullying, and my DH’s team had their Teams and emails investigated due to a grievance.

I hope they ARE stupid enough!!

He says he wants to work on our relationship and that he has no feelings for her, he thinks she has just taken advantage of him for her own kicks.

And he of course got no kicks out of it whatever. Oh no siree, not me. It was all her fault leading poor little helpless me on. And I might do something about the working relationship. One day. When I run out of excuses.

“You made me call it off with the bimbo. And now the bimbo’s gone to HR. This is all your fault, OP. How could you do this to me?” (Whilst shaking his head disapprovingly.)

No one knows they are having an affair. They might be. But the only people who know is them. If the girl did go to HR they could let her go as she's on probation

My auntie did that to her ex husband. And she put itching powder in his undies. My parents bumped into him in a bar and he was twitching and twisting about 😂

She's enjoying it

She won't report him or she'll end up in shit too

Sorry been busy.

The reason is if my husband call a woman he is responsible for managing a ‘bimbo’, someone younger and someone he has a responsibility for her welfare for, I would be seriously considering my life choices. Let alone him sending the meaaages that he did.

It is irrelevant whether ‘women like that exist’ or not - it’s about how the MEN behave.

I’ll ask you @Welshie2 how do you feel about your ‘d’h describing a colleague as a bimbo?

I’d don’t think we have to make the Op responsible for her ‘D’H choice of language.

If she’s not leaving her husband fast enough for your liking you might need to try an alternative thread.

Also let’s say that the women initiated these messages, I don’t believe it but let’s go with that.

What would the correct and most professional response be?

In my workplace it would be to explain in an open and professional manner that you can’t accept such messages and that im letting my manager know it’s happened, to protect us both. Then I would ask her is she needs to access welfare support. Because sending those kind of messages to managers in the work place makes her vulnerable!

Fair point. (Though I will say - it’s a public forum etc…)

But I’m sick of women excusing men’s shitty behaviour.

@Welshie2 I hope it works well for you.

I don’t believe for one second she sent those messages out of the blue, with no encouragement in person what so ever, because she had to be pretty certain he wouldn’t go straight to HR and be totally offended/shocked.

Yeah this. Because she could end up sending them to a sleaze who won't take no for an answer. It's also reputationally damaging for the pair of them. Who wants to be known as someone who would lie on an office table with their boss shagging them - and him thinking that's ok - and he wants a fucking promotion?

By the way. I had a friend who did have an affair with her married boss - he was 15 years older. It happens but it did not end well at all

This man will make your life a misery for all time. I hope you can get your ducks in a row and get out as his mysogyny and disrespect is not only aimed at this unfortunate 22 year old employee but also at you, and in time your daughter if you have any.

Your 'D'H is sounding more and more vile with every post.

If she is a 'bimbo' he is taking advantage of her as a result of this.

I wouldn't be able to look at him let alone attempt a 'healing' conversation. Ick.

And if they haven't got documented evidence that she failed her probation for performance reasons, she could straight to an employment tribunal with all the messages showing that her line manager was sexually harassing her. It doesn't matter if it was mutual, he would be seen as having abused his position (because he is). HR are there to protect the company not the people and a man like this is not good for the company.

If it weren't for the impact this would have on OP, I would love for this to happen and him get a hefty dose of FAFO.

He messaged her to say please walk by my desk again so I can look at your arse? He should be shitting himself. Not calling her a bimbo

How thick is he? He's also clearly given her his personal phone number. I would be fuming at that. And he's trying to angle that she gets a move so he doesn't need to manage her again? He should go.