Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

My husband has been acting strange/secretive with his phone for a couple of weeks now so I took it on myself to look at his phone. Yes I know it’s morally dodgy but we have each others log ins and I looked at it whilst he was feeding DS dinner (it was charging upstairs).

There is a woman who is obviously a co-worker. I only had time to look at messages from the past two days. He was in the office today. He messaged her to say please walk past my desk again so I can look at your arse. She said she’d be back up in an hour and she will walk slowly this time. He then messaged again (after about an hour) to say that was the highlight of his afternoon to which she replied she knew her trousers would get attention today and sent a peach symbol. That was the last message.

I confronted him straight away and he stormed off and hasn’t come home yet. Said how dare I look at his phone. I have tried to call him and he just declined the call. He sent a text to say I’ve betrayed his trust and he can’t believe I did that instead of speaking to him.

Am I wrong to have done this, I think that if you know something is up then it’s within your right to investigate?

I really feel for you OP. I know MN can sometimes just be out for blood but I think in this case, most people have your back here. We can all see it from an outside perspective whereas you will desperately want things to go back to 'normal' so are vulnerable to his reasons and excuses.
A few thoughts:

• Like nearly everyone else thinks, it is extremely unlikely that the desk message was the first inappropriate comment/action. Something will have been discussed/happened during the previous 1:1 if not before
• '"You probably shouldn't have said that" is not a 'wishy-washy' comment. It could be seen as very suggestive, implying he was likely to follow up on the suggestion (such as 'you might regret you said that' or similar suggestive/flirty comments).
• Have you noticed any changes, other than the phone behaviour, that might suggest an affair, eg: 'working late', travelling, showering more, needing to 'pop out'?
• Don't assume the message he sent means he has really ended it. 'Don't worry, I had to send that as my wife saw my phone' we will just need to be more careful'.

Sadly, I know all these things. Take some time before you make a decision and surround yourself with those who will love and support you.

He called her a bimbo? Yet in another breath he couldn't pull her. He's a prince.

If your husband stops messaging this woman it’s only because he got caught.

Oh come on OP. He’s probably messaged her saying you probably shouldn’t have messaged me that because he meant you shouldn’t have left evidence like that.

There is absolutely no way she has just randomly messaged him that without any encouragement from him at all (or potentially an in person affair). Not buying that and I really hope you don’t either.

Where have I said I believe what he says - believe me, I am very sceptical and keeping my eyes wide open. I know things don’t add up. But that’s all I’ve got to go off of currently.

This man's first impulse was to try and blame @Welshie2. When she stood firm and was having none of it he shifted to trying to blame the woman at work, making her to be some kind of sex fiend who wouldn't leave him alone.
I wouldn't trust him any further than I could throw him.
Luckily he doesn't bother to think things through and he still is clinging to his belief that his wife will swallow whatever he tells her.

Is this a joke?! He being let go increases the personal risk for him exponentially. He needs to leave as soon as possible.

I understand. It’s a horrible situation you’re in. Does he have any form for cheating?

@Everintroverte he will learn a lesson from this..to cover his tracks better next time
And there will be a next time.

your h sounds a shit. She's a bimbo who out of nowhere sent a sexy pic.
and he's going to deny promotion ?

Also just be aware that he might have an in office way to chat that you dont have access to which might be where the majority of conversation occurs.

That’s not how WhatsApp works. If you delete a message then you can also delete the message that tells you the message has been deleted… hope that makes sense.

Agree he needs to get ahead and leave asap, if nothing else the stress of knowing this woman can throw a grenade into his career there at any time whether now or in 6 months time will really get to him eventually. Imagine being him going in to work every day wondering if today will be the day hes called in for an investigation....

Lord he sounds awful. Why would you want to stay with such a prick.

Good because despite what he claims, that does not sound like the first message a woman would send her boss that she fancied, he's her boss, she would definitely feel the situation out a bit more before that kind of message there must have been a bit more of a build up to it then straight into basically saying -I want you to fuck me-

I would be asking to see the teams messages also!

Of COURSE they've had sex

100% this! He has clearly made her feel comfortable enough to act this way!

This. So much this.

This is solid advice OP. I know you are going through a hellish situation. None of this is your fault

I can imagine you are feeling very overwhelmed, this post has gained so much traction in less than 2 days and overwhelmingly they say the same thing. I get that it's shit to realise what has happened and that the consensus is that your H has behaved appallingly. There's nothing wrong with you taking back some control and telling him to move out for a while whilst you have some time to digest, without his sorry excuses being spouted forth.

If he was any sort of professional he would have closed down the inappropriate messaging immediately and reported any reoccurrence to HR. Instead he has joined in and encouraged it. So now he can’t report it without endangering his own job. This woman has messages on her phone from him about her sexy arse. As he is her superior he will be judged more harshly than her. He should have had better judgement. He has been very stupid and put his job, professional reputation and marriage at risk. I can’t see myself staying with someone this immature. That’s assuming he’s not actually a cheat.

OP, one possible strategy would be to pretend that you believe him, act normal etc whilst doing lots of detective work in the background.
It's probably too late for that because he knows you're onto him. Also much easier said than done when something is devastating as this is happening.

If he ends up losing his job over this he will blame you OP.

I’m not entirely sure (other than for completeness maybe) why it matters if the story he has told is true or not. To be clear, I think he is clearly lying.

But isn’t sending inappropriate messages to a colleague, blaming you, saying he has been having concerns about your relationship and also that this women is way more attractive than you, enough? That would be enough for me, I couldn’t get back from that.

Why does it matter if he actually had sex with her or not?