Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

My husband has been acting strange/secretive with his phone for a couple of weeks now so I took it on myself to look at his phone. Yes I know it’s morally dodgy but we have each others log ins and I looked at it whilst he was feeding DS dinner (it was charging upstairs).

There is a woman who is obviously a co-worker. I only had time to look at messages from the past two days. He was in the office today. He messaged her to say please walk past my desk again so I can look at your arse. She said she’d be back up in an hour and she will walk slowly this time. He then messaged again (after about an hour) to say that was the highlight of his afternoon to which she replied she knew her trousers would get attention today and sent a peach symbol. That was the last message.

I confronted him straight away and he stormed off and hasn’t come home yet. Said how dare I look at his phone. I have tried to call him and he just declined the call. He sent a text to say I’ve betrayed his trust and he can’t believe I did that instead of speaking to him.

Am I wrong to have done this, I think that if you know something is up then it’s within your right to investigate?

Wow. 😮 pig. Good riddance.

At which point she turns around and says she was sexually harassed, or that she didn't get it due to bias because of the flirtation. HR nightmare for your DH.

Either way, he needs to show you he values you and your marriage enough to take the hit and change jobs. I'd require this myself to even consider trying further.

Sorry you're married to a dumbass dirt bag.

Get prepared for a shit show. Your husband fucked around at work and he's about to find out. Get your STI testing. Make sure you have some supportive friends or family around and aware that things are really bad for you right now. Get copies of all financials and get a lawyer consult. You need information as to what you could expect in a divorce. I don't think you're going to leave him but you need to prepare to navigate through this shit show and for him to lose his job and likely leave at some point. Start therapy. You need to minimize the fallout on you and your child. This is not a loyal man who respects you. He thinks women are dumb.

I think he is lying and is trying to make this easier for himself and look like she’s the one doing all the chasing.

It is most unusual for very attractive women to go around throwing themselves at any man unless they believe this is a relationship which they will benefit from.

After all, why do this to men at work when you could have anyone in the real world and have your pick of people?

I think there is more to this, sorry.

Calling her a bimbo is equally as disgusting as the text messages. He wouldn’t have to move department, the relationship would be over if he was my partner.
I have read about many men on here over the years, yours is one of the worst, you cannot trust the weird gas-lighting pervert.

Totally agree. your problem OP is your husband is disgusting. Can you not see this. He is flirting/sleeping/being totally inappropriate with a junior colleague. Now threatening to try and get rid of her to cover his back.

He's an utter disgrace.

Also WhatsApp isn’t the only place that you can have text conversations.

This gets worse. He thinks she is as stupid as he thinks you are. He is an arrogant misogynist who believes himself God's gift.

My experience of Gen Z in the workplace is that they are incredibly switched on to sexual harassment and IT literacy. So if today's pack of lies from him is anywhere nearer the truth than yesterday's, he is beyond fucked. She will be able to metaphorically screw him if she hasn't already physically. She has all the power here and he is too busy polishing his penis to even notice it happening around him.

He's terrible at his job isn't he as well? He's supposed to be managing this woman and he calls her names and doesn't nip in the bud comments about wearing no knickers and lying on the desk? Wouldn't happen here.

I love the audacity of this man to believe that he’s going to outsmart the “bimbo” who literally holds his family’s livelihood in her phone app.

Ah, to have the confidence of a mediocre man…

How can you respect a man who gets his kicks from a younger woman then blames her for it all and is happy to ruin her career to save his arse?

Oh it just gets better so he is going to be before HR soon. As that "bimbo" probably has some nice screen shots of her manager asking her to walk right past his desk......Really don't be stupid OP to believe anything that man says. He is a dead man walking

He’s turning it round on you to deflect from his own bad behaviour. I would tell him I would never have looked at your phone if you’d been honest about this flirtation instead of acting furtively.

I see. So his career and potential promotion is more important than his wife?

Weird that he didn’t think that before isn’t it? .

Listen, there are other jobs…there isn’t another you op. His job can’t be so niche and specialised that he can’t even think about working somewhere else. They hardly have a great filter for hiring people at least do they? If he is to be believed they’ve hired a scheming nymphomaniac in the woman involved here so clearly it’s not a discerning employer.

He’s thinking about himself a lot isn’t he? How this might affect him. Not much about how it’s going to affect you.

Of course it’s not easy to change jobs, change structure at work, or to break up a marriage for that matter. Only you can decide what to do, how much you will put up with, how much patronising sexist nonsense you will endure from him. I’m sure he has redeeming features that you like about him and that we aren’t party to.

Just please don’t let yourself be totally mugged off by him over and over again. Keep your eyes open as a minimum.

He really does!
He lies, flirts with junior staff, gaslights/blames you, calls the woman stupid, and then plans to sink her career to suit himself.
HE is too stupid to realise what he should have done at the start.
LTB, OP

@Welshie2 ah! So it’s the young women’s fault? Well then, problem solved for him then!

He’s a cheat OP. That first message he mentions, where she wants to be taken on his desk, may not have been the first inappropriate message between them. I would suggest they’ve been at it, to reach that level of sexting.

You’ll never be able to trust him again. He’s overstepped and taken your marriage for granted. He needs to be well and truly punished for it.

He’s changing his tune quite a bit from only jokey messages to now she’s after him and he’s a victim (probably so you don’t contact her for her truth). Coming up with all sorts of excuses why he has to continue working with her in his department. I wouldn’t be trusting anything he says.

OP. He’s getting worse with every update you send. He’s utter scum. I think he’s done a number on you and I sense you’re slowly coming around to it.
Kick this prick out. There’s so much more out there.

If I was doing that you’d be right.
But…I’m not. Where did I say it should be the driving force at work? lol.

You’re the one being an extremist here. Having a “I feel gooood today, I’m looking banging” moment doesn’t make a person vain or sex obsessed.

Heck even if it did, I’d rather work with Cat from red dwarf than Rimmer. Wouldn’t you? Would make the day more fun. But then, I love to see people feeling good about themselves and I’m not a total misery guts.

I think it sounds like you just don’t like yourself very much. There’s some mad internalised misogyny going on in your posts.

But only after he’s had a good chance to check out her arse as she walks past. This whole thing makes my teeth itch.

I think you need a trial separation. Give yourself time to reflect on everything and decide what you want to do. Your husband is weak and the gaslight is hard to forgive. I would still suspect they’ve slept together at this point.

And has he apologised to you for putting the roof over your head at risk?

None of this really changes how he treated you thought does it?

Plus he’s had time to delete messages to make her look like the instigator anyway.

And to cap it all off he’s been leading her on and now is considering getting her fired rather than one up to his own bs and pay for his own mess.

And he’s blaming her! Hahaha.

He’s such a loser op. Get rid.
He would tell you the sky was green and the grass was blue and you were mad for disagreeing with him if it suited his purpose.

So she's both a bimbo without awareness or guile, but is taking advantage of him?

To have her moved would be career suicide and risk the roof over your heads but to engage in those messages with someone he manages was harmless banter?

He says the sparks gone and he's not been feeling the love, yet wants to work on your relationship?

Putting it frankly, you are married to a deceitful, manipulative and misogynistic cunt who believes he can play both you and this younger women like fiddles. Not a single thing he has said makes sense.

And OP don't forget what he said to you before he "calmed down" that someone as attractive as her would never be into him.........