Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

My husband has been acting strange/secretive with his phone for a couple of weeks now so I took it on myself to look at his phone. Yes I know it’s morally dodgy but we have each others log ins and I looked at it whilst he was feeding DS dinner (it was charging upstairs).

There is a woman who is obviously a co-worker. I only had time to look at messages from the past two days. He was in the office today. He messaged her to say please walk past my desk again so I can look at your arse. She said she’d be back up in an hour and she will walk slowly this time. He then messaged again (after about an hour) to say that was the highlight of his afternoon to which she replied she knew her trousers would get attention today and sent a peach symbol. That was the last message.

I confronted him straight away and he stormed off and hasn’t come home yet. Said how dare I look at his phone. I have tried to call him and he just declined the call. He sent a text to say I’ve betrayed his trust and he can’t believe I did that instead of speaking to him.

Am I wrong to have done this, I think that if you know something is up then it’s within your right to investigate?

He won’t leave that department because he thinks there will be a promotion opportunity within the next 12-18 months.

He did say that the woman is in her 6 month probationary period for that role, so he could try to engineer this being ‘unsuccessful’ so she returns to her prior role meaning he won’t need to manage her anymore, which I felt was unfair.

Assuming what he said is true (which is doubtful) he has already fucked his career

this will come out. She has nothing to lose.

the messages don’t give the whole story because she can claim he said or did things offline

he is the senior person and by not nipping the messages in the bud immediately he’s toast

Yep. This is spot on. As the more senior in the department he should have immediately shut this down and reported to HR. The fact he didn't is not a good situation for him now

You can also delete the message that says 'message deleted' in watts app.

If he tries to engineer a failed probation then his prior actions have left him wide open to disciplinary measures by her saving screenshots of their messages. He needs to realise what an idiot he’s been and exactly how far reaching the consequences might be.

I put it to him last night that she could try to make life difficult for him in the future. He isn’t concerned, says she is a bit of a bimbo and won’t have the awareness to play that sort of game.

"He said the messages were harmless and just making a dull work day go by."

He thinks making sexual comments to a younger work colleague are just a bit of a diversion to make his work day more interesting?

This situation is horrible for you but also his judgement is really dangerous.

No no. This is the last thing he should be doing. He needs to own his part in this and not try and make sure she fails probation. If he does that she could contest it and then the shit would hit the fan. When I was a manager there was only one person that failed her probation - I didn't make that decision. My bosses did. She was incompetent and she harassed me to the point I couldn't be in a room with her alone - no one should be engineering a probation failure, really unfair

sorry - see the thread has moved!

He gets worse with each post.

If he does fuck with her job, she'll likely file a SH complaint and he'll be the one who goes. She's got grounds and him even thinking about trying to fuck with her job makes it look like they were having a full blown physical affair.

Again, your husband is really stupid.

Oh dear, he is absolutely fucked. Time for him to start looking for a new job, this is going to get very messy.

You have a serious DH problem here

how can you not have the serious ick that your DH is a mysogynist and thinks it’s ok to behave like that with colleagues?

This man sounds worse and worse.

Apart from the fact it would be massively cuntish to engineer the failure of her probation, it would be very foolish of him. She is very likely to divulge the whole seedy affair to their employer and he will be disciplined or sacked.

Hmm well I hope this works out for you, I really do.
But I don’t think this lines up with his initial account:

• his first response was deflecting things on to you being the problem: He just kept shaking his head saying he didn’t think I was capable of doing that.
• He also tried to justify his actions and again make you the problem: Also said he has had some doubts for a while now, not feeling the love in our relationship and that the spark isn’t there
• He took no accountability: He said the messages were harmless and just making a dull work day go by.
• He sought to minimise what he did: He doesn’t see the issue because in his words it’s not like he told her he wants to bury his face in her arse.
• He said he found her attractive: Oh yeah I forgot to say I asked this and he just laughed and said do I really think he’d be able to pull someone who looks like that.

Now we have:

• Despite him being this woman’s manager, he is the victim so still no accountability taken just shifting blame for his actions to another woman: she has just taken advantage of him for her own kicks.
• Suddenly out of nowhere this woman has messaged him quite explicit things which seems highly unusual unless accompanied with other related interactions in person: she sent him an inappropriate message. He showed me this. She said that she thinks them meeting one to one in person is dangerous and all she was thinking about was her lying on top of the desk in the meeting room and my husband doing whatever he wanted to her.
• Despite being married and her manager he did not shut it down: He did reply but didn’t really shut it down, just a wishy washy ‘you probably shouldn’t have said that’ with a laughing face.
• He then was encouraging: Then two weeks ago she started inappropriate messages again and said the day before they had a virtual meeting that she might wear no knickers under her skirt. He was more encouraging which then led to other exchanges.
• He continues to expect someone else to carry the impact of his actions: He says he has to keep managing her for the time being but if they have a re-jig between the managers at his level then he’ll make an excuse why he she will need to be moved.
• He knows he has been found out and his job is on the line: He has messaged her to say that any messages between them must be work related from now on.
• He suddenly thinks your relationship can work now: He says he wants to work on our relationship
• He no longer her finds her attractive: that he has no feelings for her,

In short the storming off etc gave him time to create a new story. No. Highly manipulative and not a decent man.

Jesus he is a real piece of work, so not only is he manipulating you but now wants to engineer someone losing their job because he cant control himself at a time when the job market is so tough.

How can you honestly convince yourself to want to stay with such a weasel. Thats vile. The fact he sees nothing wrong with his actions.

And as others have said, with the WhatsApp messages you can delete the message that says you have deleted a message, try it.

This man is grim

Yep. He's her superior so he'll be in big trouble if she reports this to anyone and she might well do now he's turned her down/shut it down

He is utterly playing you for a fool here and you are going along with it. I do understand why, but you need to wake up.

He cannot engineer a failed probation while she has his messages on her phone. And at that point, he can forget any promotion. And after that, likely any further similar employment as soon as anyone asks for references.

He needs to move company. He is the one who shat his own bed. Now he needs to change it. If he won't do that, he is not serious about 'working on your relationship'. He can send any number of messages from his personal phone to her, but what about work phones? Teams chats? Corridor flirtation?

His comments seem to be getting worse and worse. He's trying to collude you into believing the fault lies with her and that she's dim. The idea of engineering an unsuccessful probation is morally bankrupt.

My god I really hope she does, im sorry but you are with an absolute scumbag. I hope you see that at some point

He really is spinning you the line isn't he?

A bit of a Bimbo? But he is willing to put her before loyalty and respect for his wife? She must have some qualities he admires even if it's not her brains.

Nope. He's betrayed your trust!
Don't let him turn this around on you.
I'm so sorry OP

He really thinks a lot of women doesn't he..... how can you stand him with his disgusting misogynistic language and attitude towards women?

Have you watched that film Disclosure? Think it's 80s / early 90s with Demi Moore and Michael Douglas? Isn't that about sexual harassment from her to him? Then she turns it on him.
If the sexes were reversed in this scenario the woman would be told to report him.

He should have shut it down immediately.

Oh poor dear, this "bimbo" he manages has taken advantage of him.

He sounds worse with every update OP. If it weren't for the impact on you I would hope she'd hang him out to dry. What a monumental prick.